Godzilla: Final Wars (2004)

Country of Origin/Production: Japan

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Godzilla kicking monster ass!

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Jim: Filmed in “Toho Scope” for the discerning Kaiju fan.
• Brad: This was the 50th anniversary of Gojira and like the title says, this is the absolute, definitive, undeniable final Godzilla movie. They saved the best for last!
• Brian: There’s a south pole now???
• Jim: Does anything plan on moving in this moving picture?
• Brad: This action sequence looks like how I used to play with my toys growing up. OK, a few years ago. OK FINE, a few weeks ago gosh!
• Jim: Christ, 30 seconds in and Godzilla’s fucking shit up.
• Brad: Why did the 90s-00 Godzilla look like something the Henson creature shop would create?
• Jim: Godzilla looks like he’s fighting the now elderly cast of Star Blazers.
• Brad: This flick just cold opens in the cold of Antartica while some high-tech Japanese sub tries to destroy the mean ol’ lizard. After a rough 20 seconds, they overcome Godzilla and bury him in a shit-ton of ice.
• Brian: Well this submarine finally defeats Godzilla so I guess that’s it. See you next year for Schlocktoberfest Sweet 16: all horror movies about horrible teenagers.
• Jim: Godzilla’s defeated. That was a great flick, see you guys next year. Had no idea why its listed at 2 hours.
• Brian: Earth: Mankind’s greatest achievement.
• Jim: Oh. Right. here comes the backstory.
• Brad: SPACE AMOEBA Cameo!!
• Brad: The Earth Defense Force? Eeech. This is giving me Power Ranger vibes.
• Brian: Exactly how are kung fu maneuvers going to help the Earth Defense Force defeat giant monsters?
• Brad: How is it possible that they never made a Voltron vs. Godzilla flick? Missed opportunity if you ask me.
• Brian: That’s basically what M.O.G.U.E.R.A. is (Mobile Operations Godzilla Universal Expert Robot Aero-type). See: Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla.
• Brad: So the film opens with this EDF attacking and possible taking down Godzilla yet, now it’s explaining what the EDF is and their sole mission? I feel like these scenes are in reverse order.
• Brian: The M Organization clearly stands for Measles.
• Brad: Nice. Godzilla’s home movies and greatest smashes and hits!
• Jim: These opening credits are fucking awesome.
• Jim: Music by Keith Emerson, well that explains it. Fucking-a.
  
• Brad: Keith Emerson?! Sweet ass sweet! I’m sure Blue Oyster Cult was pissed they were passed over.
• Brian: The title said something about Sum 41 but you legitimately couldn’t make out what it said. I assumed they play the monsters.
• Jim:  Sum 41?
• Brad: Yeah maybe not have the credits shrouded by flame and destruction behind the name. Did Toho really hire an obscure late 90s American punk band to craft a song specifically for this flick?
• Brad: Hell, still better than that abomination that was Puff Daddy’s Come With Me with Jimmy Page for the American Godzilla flick. (Second Jimmy Page reference this month!)
• Brian: Kane Kosugi! He was a Ninja Warrior!
• Jim: Is there a remote chance we can hang out with Jet Jaguar?
• Brad: Is this submarine off the coast of Normandy now in the inner core of the earth?
• Jim: So how long before we thaw out that Godzilla-sicle?
• Brian: I know this dude is an MMA fighter but he looks exactly like a cross between Zangief and M. Bison from Street Fighter TWO, who I guess were also technically MMA fighters, so it all makes sense. Maybe that’s what the M stands for.
• Jim: Why is that cunt Travis Kelce in the Captain’s chair? I hope they both die the night before their wedding by the way.
• Brad: I dunno. He’s like a cross between Super Mario or a ‘Roided-up Tom Selleck.
• Brian: He also acts like he’s taking a monster shit all the time.
• Brad: So these subs front cones are really drills that can cut through solid matter underground. But here underwater it can also shoot giant Death Star-like lasers.
• Brian: Is “Maser” a monster laser?
• Jim: Is that Ghidorah?
• Brian: Manda seemed like a bit of a pussy if you ask me.
• Brad: That apparently freezes the Kaiju solid. And it rams it pulverizing the beast into millions of pieces!
• Jim: Manual targeting always makes that gunnery fella take his helmet off with some slow-motion sexy stares at the camera.
• Brad: Apparently, them destroying that Kaiju was illegal? Roid-Rage Tom Selleck was just disciplined by a superior commander. A Commander that looks like she works part time at a nail salon.
• Jim: I already hate Major Bison Kelce and hope that he perishes the night before the nuptials as well.
• Brian: I guess Japan was still not done with Matrix stuff in 2004.
• Brad: Two bros are martial art training and like Brian said earlier, how does this benefit fighting Kaiju? How does it benefit us as viewers who only came here to see Kaiju fighting?
• Jim: I thought kung-fu wasn’t allowed in the Holodeck.
• Brad: Maybe it’s foreplay.
• Brad: They jumped at their same time and caught each other mid-way and supposedly stopped time for a few seconds.
• Brian: That’s when they kissed.
• Jim: These two are bitter rivals, but I bet they become friends and one of them dies valiantly.
• Brad: So these two dudes (Kazama & Ozaki) fighting is also a big no-no and when one of them asked his superior what was the point of the exercise since it’s not about defeating ones’ opponent, the superior says its to become stronger than one was yesterday. Couldn’t they just lift weights alone then?
• Jim: Is this The House of M? Where’s Wanda and Magneto?
• Brad: Did Kazama refer to both of them as mutants? Like the X-Men or like Gunther from The Funhouse?
• Jim: They are mutants. I knew it was the House Of M.
  
  
• Brian: Apparently the mutant body has five bases, but I’ve only gotten as far as third base.
• Jim: I wonder what “these old farts” sounds like in its original Japanese dialogue.
• Brad: Ozaki has been tasked to body guard some UN scientists who are examining the mummified remains of a kaiju. How much you wanna bet this UN scientist is hot?
• Brad: YAHTZEE! I literally finished typing my last note when Ozaki turns around to meet the extremely attractive Dr. Miyuki Otonashi.
• Jim: Is this the only hot chick in the movie?
• Brad: They don’t need to make a big deal about how hot she is though. Cause now it’s making me uncomfortable.
• Jim: Ming-na Wen wasn’t around in ’04?
• Brian: Ming-na Wen is of Chinese ancestry, though. Godzilla wouldn’t allow it.
• Brad: That’s mummified? Maybe they unwrapped it before Ozaki and Miyuki arrived.
• Jim: I hope the live action Gundam movie won’t be as cheesy as this.
• Brad: A cyborg monster?! A cyborg monster from outer space?!?!
• Brad: Hey I know this cyborg monster! It’s a classic! I saw it on a re-run.
• Jim: That was a crusty Gigan.
• Brian: Is this Francis Ford Coppola?
• Brad: Did this UN secretary mention his dog for any particular reason? Is this dog going to fight Godzilla?!
• Brian: We really shouldn’t be going more than 2½ minutes without a monster fight.
• Jim: This is the last movie from the Millennium era. That is all.
• Brad: Infant island! Miyuki shows the other scientist fella and Ozaki a photo of the twin fairies of Mothra who telepathically tell them that yes, that cyborg monster was Gigan. 
• Brad: And now they are teleported to Infant island. Major convenience.
• Jim: Oh shit, the mini Mothra twins are here.
• Jim: Welcome to Infant Island Mr. Epstein. We are pretty much certain you’ll enjoy your stay.
• Brian: Release the Godzillastein files!!!
• Brad: The twins tell them at Gigan came to earth 12,000 years ago and fought Mothra. Gigan is pure evil and the human mutants share the same DNA. However as long as the human mutants stay good and fight evil then Mothra will be on their side. Mothra ain’t playing!
• Brian: The mutant people have evil monster essence in their blood cells? Sure. Let’s get this show on the road. Has anyone ever tried squishing these tiny twins?
• Brad: And they teleported back so soon? That could’ve been an email.

• Jim: No talisman = no powers. Do you not remember the sage-like advice bestowed upon us mere mortals by The Starchild Paul Stanley?
• Brad: RIP Ace
• Brian: ACK!
• Brad: Talisman! My second movie featuring a Magical talisman. Our American-made flicks never have talismans. Strange right?
• Brad: Welp, it looks like the dog owned by that UN Secretary is going to be sheltered indefinitely now.
• Brad: NEW YORK! So of course the first character we meet is an African American pimp. Getting his sweet ride towed.
• Brian: I guess the Japanese believe that all Americans are fur-clad pimps? You know what? Fair enough.
• Brad: Normally NYPD do not actually tow cars away themselves but minor nitpick. However, it’s more absurd that the pimp just pulled his piece out and threatened the cop. Then we have a pointless Mexican standoff while they realize a flying Kaiju is approaching.
• Brad: Cartoon sound effects? Really?
• Jim: Rodan attacks NYC mercifully ending a horrible scene involving a pimp and a cop. Did Japan think pimps still dressed like it was 1974 in 2004?
• Brian: Rodan is doing a thousand times more damage to NYC than terrorists could ever dream. It’s 911,000!
• Jim: At least the Empire State building was lit up in the Italian flag colors. Don’t know why.
• Brad: Hey it’s Rodan visiting the big apple!
• Brian: Anguirus in Shanghai! King Caesar in Okinawa! He should take care of that coward Miyagi while he’s there.
• Brad: And Wayne Newton is in Vegas!
• Jim: Of course Hedorah attacked Los Angeles. He’s the smog monster. Get it?
• Brian: Zilla!! From the very finest Godzilla movie ever made, the 1998 U.S. version.
• Jim: Ha! Ha! Australia got attacked by the dogshit 1998 Hollywood version of Godzilla.
• Brad: Zilla is embarrassing itself in Sydney. And Toho didn’t even bother polishing up Zilla’s mediocre CGI effects.
• Brian: Love that all of the monsters are practical suits while Zilla is shitty CGI. Brilliant.
• Brian: He does kind of look like a crocodile, so the Australians running from him shouldn’t be all that surprised.
• Brad: Two seemingly gay dudes are going to die because one cosplaying as a 70s punk rocker tripped and fell.
• Brian: I admit I don’t really know this Paris monster. He’s like a shittier Mothra but a praying mantis.
• Jim: Of course Paris was attacked by a giant fly.
• Brad: The most unluckiest trailer home in Arizona just got pulverized by Kumonga.

• Jim: Japanese Jason Momoa has a firm grasp of the obvious.
• Brad: Man, Anguirus is quite nimble for a giant armadillo monster.
• Brian: Minilla! Or Godzuki, whichever you prefer. 
• Brad: Minilla?! Godzilla’s son is in this? And he hasn’t aged much since his 1967 debut.
• Jim: Son of Godzilla! Rock & Roll.
• Brad: A grandpa and his grandson encounter Minilla and the grandson convinces his grandfather with his rifle to spare its life.
• Jim: Christ, everybody’s in this movie. I’m sure Pedro Pascal is in one of the monster suits.
• Brad: It’s pandemonium Gene!!!
• Brad: I thought that Ozaki was supposed to body guard Dr. Miyuki and that was going to play out throughout the whole movie but here he is with the other mutants ready to battle Ebirah. 
• Brian: I haven’t seen a crustacean cause this much trouble since Red Lobster closed down.
• Brad: I still think the best way to stop Ebirah is simply two very large rubber bands.
• Jim: You hate to see these monsters destroying so many toy tanks.
• Jim: Enough with the Kamen Rider gearing-up moves, we get it.
• Brad: I’m still not 100% sure what powers or super-abilities these mutants have? Like how are they mutants? What makes them different? Are they just better fighters and athletes? The film isn’t displaying anything special about them other than parkour moves.
• Brian: Is all this pussyfooting around by the mutants really more helpful than just standing there and shooting the monster?
• Brad: It is kinda cool seeing normal-sized humans fight enormous Kaiju for a change.
• Jim: I think every Japanese child must have to learn how to flip in the air before they turn 10.
• Brad: Kazama and Ozaki double-team Ebirah (not like that!) and totally take him down. Those two are totally great at battling crabs.
• Brian: If only I were so lucky battling crabs…
• Jim: Some of these fight moves against the giant lobster we’re ripped off by the GI Joe movies.
• Jim: Those giant lobster claws could feed Kyoto for a week.
• Brad: Just as Kazama was one-linering before the death blow, Ebirah just disappears! Then all the other kaiju also disappear. Thanos’ snap?!
• Jim: Cheese-dick-end-of-the-fight one liners are always welcome.
• Brad: Nope, just aliens sucking them up (not like that!).
• Brad: The CGI EFX are totally giving me Power Ranger vibes.
• Jim: All of the monsters disappeared. That wasn’t such a chore now was it? But we get a giant alien mothership in their stead.
• Brian: This UFO looks like a trophy a Klingon would win.

• Brad: So the alien vessel is more or less a giant Phantasm death ball. Or the most largest, most dangerous anal bead!
• Jim: This looks like “V.”
• Brad: Did Japan’s atmosphere just get totally pissed on? Did the whole planet just get jaundice? Why is the sky so bright yellow.
• Brad: “Everywhere is dangerous at the moment.” The moment?! And is the whole world covered in piss then?
• Jim: These aliens have certainly perfected the beaming process.
• Brian: Oh good Francis Ford Coppola is still alive.
• Brad: Hey it’s that UN Secretary General from scene 24!
• Brad: He’s been anally probed so much he’s now playing for their alien’s team.
• Brad: Who wants to bet that the aliens all look like Asian humans? Another YAHTZEE!
• Jim: Aliens are Japanese? That’s odd.
• Brian: Why is Yul Brynner wearing a Green Goblin dress?
• Brad: Another planet is going to collide with Earth?! How is this possible!
• Brad: And that planet look more like a star to me. And a 1/3 of the size of Earth. I’m thinking that the Xilian’s science doesn’t match up entirely with Earth science.
• Jim: I bet the aliens didn’t get rid of the monsters with the best of intentions.
• Brad: The Xilian’s advice for us is to put all our weapons on one spot on the Earth, fire them all simultaneously to change the course of our orbit. Easy-Peasey, lemon-squeezey.
• Jim: These aliens are quite bossy for a bunch of folks who just landed on the planet a few minutes ago.
• Brad: Space nations? You mean Planets?
• Brian: Shouldn’t it be The United Space?
• Jim: They had to call it “The Space Nations” because The Federation of Planets I believe was already taken.
• Brad: Well that speech rallied me to the cause. How about you fellas?
• Jim: Didn’t these cheering crowds watch Independence Day?
• Brad: How long before it’s revealed that the UN Secretary General is really a Xilian in disguise and this is all a ruse to destroy or take-over the Earth? I give it til the half-way point.
• Jim: That woman could not act without her hands spazzing out like that.
• Jim: Japanese assassins dress like Kylo Ren.
• Brad: So the whole planet (or maybe just Japan) are trusting these Xilians and welcoming them to our planet. First real sign that we trust them completely is one Xilian is on a morning radio talk show. He says his name is X. And I think he’s, well, gay.
• Jim: Space aliens have androgynous glam rock stars too, in case you were wondering.
• Brad: “Lay into them”? This is one wacky talk show.
• Jim: This guys is quite a know-all.
• Jim: I think these aliens just might possibly double-cross us.
• Brad: The sister of Dr. Miyuki (Anna) shows Ozaki and Miyuki a video of the UN Secretary General giving a lecture. Within a moment Miyuki notices that there’s something amiss about the secretary. He’s not blinking! Clearly he must be an Xilian! There’s no other possible explanation for the non-blinking!
• Jim: The aliens have replaced our leaders like they were Skrulls. Well, that explains everything except the fucking gold ballroom.
• Jim: Isn’t the point of poking around to find things you didn’t know?
• Brad: As Miyuki, Ozaki and Anna (who’s a reporter) confront the UN Secretary he’s attacked by an assassin wearing a black cape. 
• Brad: Obviously he’s an anti-Xilian.
• Brad: This altercation works out former heroes since the assassin did manage to cut the UN Secretary and now they are analyzing his blood. Yup. His cholesterol is through the roof alright!
• Brad: Correct me if I’m wrong but weren’t the Xilians first introduced back in Invasion of Astro-Monster? Toho just decided to recycle them for this? 

• Jim: Whatever happened to that Asian time-traveling dude from Heroes?
• Brad: Hate to bring this up but why are the EDF soldiers, like Ozaki, wearing black leather dusters with dark red armbands? It’s a tad too SS for my tastes.
• Brian: The only time you should call in the SS is when you have to fight a giant monster snake.
• Brad: So is Ozaki an Xilian too? Instead of warning his superior about the UN Secretary being an Xilian in disguise, he tells her that they should ramp up security and guard him better. Either he’s an Xilian or the Qatari’s gifted him an airliner.
• Brian: Oh no Japanese Nancy Reagan is an alien, too!
• Brad: The second-in-command Xilian (possibly X from earlier) is totally confused as to why they unleashed all the monsters to attack at once and then they eliminated and saved humanity. I’m guessing he’s not a member of Xilian MENSA.
• Brad: There’s no fast traveling planet careening towards Earth?! No! You don’t say!!
• Brian: “Well I can think of one person who I am pretty certain is still trustworthy. Our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ.”
• Brian: Yep, I was right, it is Jesus.
• Brian: Captain Gordon? Like Flesh Gordon?
• Brad: Since the heroes discovered that the Xilian’s all have pants on fire and have infiltrated our world leaders, we humans need all the help we can get. So naturally Ozaki calls in ‘Roid Rage Tom Selleck, er, I mean, Capt. Gordon. Now the Xilian’s are in real trouble!
• Brad: Oh man, the sexual tension in this room when Ozaki introduced Gordon to the ladies is off the charts. Gordon and Ozaki will be hooking up any minute now.
• Jim: Major Bison Kelce David Harbour is back and fucking shit up at the EDF.
• Brad: Well at least they found out relatively easy that Xilian’s are not bullet-proof.
• Brian: I was told there was going to be Godzilla in this Godzilla movie?
• Brad: Anna is attempting to trick the UN General Secretary on live TV by showing him his dog (who he obviously forgot all about since he’s been an Xilian)
• Jim: It’s obvious everyone knows the Prime minister dude is an imposter, just confess already.
• Brad: Why is Clint the Pug snorting like a pot-belly pig? Is he also a Xilian?!
• Jim: These aliens are cunts.
• Brad: Oh snap! Clint the pug isn’t even the secretary’s dog but Anna’s dog!

• Brian: I know these movies don’t have the highest budgets but man all the costumes in this look like deep-fried dog shit.
• Brad: This stunt is mostly moot now as the good guys with Captain Gordon barge in and show the people as well as the televised world the corpse of what the Xilian’s really look like. If you ever watched Charlie Sheen’s The Wraith then you can get an idea of what they look like.
• Brian: How far did Flesh Gordon just shotput that alien corpse, like 50 feet?
• Jim: The aliens’ true forms were exposed the same way Dee Wallace let the world know that werewolves were real on the nightly news. That was from The Howling. You’re welcome.
• Brad: Gordon then shoots the UN Secretary to also show the world how he’s really been an Xilian this whole time. Someone should try this tactic with Caroline Leavitt because I know 100% that she is not a human being.
• Brad: The plot thickens as X shoots his Xilian leader in the head. It’s a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma!
• Brian: Man, first Francis Ford Coppola, now Yul Brynner, all the greats are going down.
• Jim: I feel like I’m playing a 2-hour side quest in Final Fantasy XIII.
• Brian: So the aliens want to eat humans, and refer to them as cattle, but why can’t they just eat regular cattle? Or, anything else?
• Brad: I’m confused. Gordon calls in more EDF reinforcements to apprehend the Xilians but X, now the leader, does some mind-control thing making every EDF agent cower in pain except for Gordon, Anna, Ozaki and Miyuki. 
• Brian: Why aren’t the mutants attacking during this heart-to-heart?
• Brad: X shows his strength as Ozaki tries to attack him, he also guesses that he’s a mutant and tells the other Xilian cenobites to take care of the rest of the humans but those Xilian minions disappeared after X.
• Jim: Bison-Kelce-Harbour is armed with with a Katana why exactly?
• Brad: Oh so somehow that kind control thing wasn’t just for pain but to actually mind control the other EDF agents and now they are attacking our heroes. That was a tad confusing.
• Brian: Now why are they only attacking him? Are they stupid?
• Brad: One of the high-ranking EDF generals is single-handedly taking on all the evil EDF against while our main heroes flee.
• Jim: Godzilla’s in this movie right?
  
  
• Brad: Well that was quick. They are only out of the garage for like 10 seconds before some EDF agent on a motorcycle shoots the van’s tires and cap-sizing the vehicle. 
• Jim: It is Kamen Rider! I knew it.
• Brad: It’s Kazama of course and now he and Ozaki are both on motorcycles and jousting on them with guns. Also an extended chase scene.
• Jim: I think that’s Sho Kosugi’s son idin’t it? He ruled.
  
• Brad: Not for nothing but I was told this is a Godzilla movie? Any chance of digging up that old dinosaur for some good ol’ carnage?
• Jim: Bison-Kelce-Harbour is armed with with a Katana why exactly?
• Jim: Only in Godzilla: Final Wars can you see someone get punched with a motorcycle.
• Brad: This motorcycle fight scene has defied all laws of nature and physics like 7 times already.
• Brian: I hope this motorcycle chase is abruptly ended by Godzilla’s foot.
• Brian: I wasn’t paying attention to the motorcycle fight, but I caught the tail end of it.
• Jim: Hey everybody! Gigan’s back!
• Brad: So all it takes for Gigan to wake up from its mummified state is to yell really loud for it to wake up? Well anyway, it’s more responsive to waking up than my teenaged daughters.
• Brian: I also want you to release all the monsters, great idea!
• Brad: More monster mayhem!!
• Jim: Is Godzilla even going to be enough if he chooses to show up to his own fucking movie?
• Brian: Anguirus definitely has Shakma Syndrome, the scamp.
• Brad: The Statue of Liberty is destroyed! Allegedly, King Caesar tried to hump it.
• Brian: Nice quick homage to Planet of the Apes, but makes me wish they could’ve gotten Kong in here.
• Jim: Son of GZ in the back of that truck made me laugh.
• Brad: I hate to bring this up but Minilla is human sized compared to the skyscraper-sized Godzilla. Did Godzilla knock up a human female and Minilla received all the recessive genes when it came to size?
• Brian: Milla? Jovovich? You know, she’d fit right into this picture.
• Brad: The rag-tag group of surviving EDF agents with our main heroes are in the lone underground EDF base with one ship left remaining—The Gotengo. It’s all they need!
• Jim: We’re gonna get the USS Gotengo speech aren’t we?
• Jim: So 1100 Xilians went to Earth. 316 come out, Smog Monster took the rest, October the 31st, 2025. Anyway, we froze Godzilla.
• Brad: Ozaki spared Kozama’s life after the motorcycle duel. Apparently getting your ass handed to you can revert the Xilian mind control. Gotcha!
• Brian: We’re officially halfway through and they’re just now mentioning Godzilla’s name.
• Brad: Gordon’s grand plan is to release Godzilla from his frozen slumber to help the EDF defend Earth from the other monsters and the Xilians. Oh so now, you wan this help, you bunch of assholes?!
• Brian: He said the title! Drink!
• Brad: And then after Godzilla takes care of the other monsters and the Xilians, they plan on returning Godzilla back to Antarctica to freeze him up again? It’s almost too easy.
• Brian: I wasn’t expecting much from the guy playing Flesh Gordon but they shouldn’t have let him talk. And if he’s dubbed over by another actor that’s even worse.
• Brad: Gordon gifts a 2004-era digital camera to Miyuki. To use it for the events for historical record. But it’s only 2 megapixels!

• Jim: That’s the only camera in Japan? 
• Brad: If we don’t see the Gotengo’s drill cone attack and kill a Kaiju then what are we even doing here?
• Jim: Ya gotta admit, the spaceship control deck is really fucking cool.
• Brad: OK, this music is definitely inspired by the Power Rangers. So Crom-damned cheesy!
• Jim: Why does Bison-Kelce-Harbour always take a long pause…
• Brad: Antartica. The Sunshine State. Land O’Lakes. The City of Lights.
• Jim: Good to know there’s a Starbucks even on the South fucking Pole.
• Brian: What’s with all these beefcakes?
• Brad: Samoans? In Antartica?!
• Jim: Holy fuck is this acting shitty.
• Brad: Can either of you explain to me what weapon Gigan just used against the Gotengo?
• Brian: They’re like chainsaw hands. Tokyo Gore Police ripped that off from Gigan.
• Brad: I thought the whole point of them flying the Gotengo down to Antartica was it was the only vessel/tool that can free Godzilla from his icy tomb. But nope, Antarctica station has a special silo that can open or close exposing the frozen monster. Not sure why the Gotengo flew all thew way down there for.
• Brian: Gigan always looked like the filmmakers just took whatever spare shit they had laying around and glued it on an old Godzilla suit.
• Jim: …between words.
• Brad: In a remarkable display of firepower, each and every missile the Gotengo just deployed against Gigan (like 3 dozen) all missed the giant Kaiju.

• Brad: However, all those missiles happened to hit the next best kaiju, Godzilla, thus freeing him. So…good work team!
• Brian: Well that woke Godzilla up awfully fast, and he couldn’t be more pissed. It’s like when I wake up and realize I’m still alive.
• Jim: Godzilla is in this movie. Right on.
• Brad: And in his first action being awake again is breath a large amount of atomic morning breath right in Gigan’s face!
• Jim: Whoa! Big GZ is not fucking around this time.
• Brad: The big one’s just as strong as Godzilla!
• Brian: How could these aliens never have even heard of Godzilla? Are they stupid?
• Brad: So Gigan shoots Godzilla with his electrical taser cables but somehow Godzilla gives Gigan a taste of his own medicine and returns some atomic heat thru those cables making Gigan’s head explode!

• Jim: Now Bison-Kelce-Harbour talks like the manager from Major League.
• Brad: “Listen kid. There are two things you don’t know about the Earth. One is me. [Capt. Gordon] the other is Godzilla.” You may not also know about Gonorrhea. But that’s neither here nor there.
• Jim: This head alien guy has to be a J-Pop star when he’s not acting silly in Kaiju films.
• Brad: In some shots, X looks like he should be the frontman for an early aughts emo-pop band.
• Brad: X summons something from lightyears away just by reaching above his head. I keep forgetting that these flicks are mainly made for kids.
• Brad: Lemme guess, King Ghidorah is en route.
• Brad: Speaking of, are Rodan and Mothra going to make an appearance in this flick?
• Brad: And where in hell is that deadbeat Jet Jaguar?! 
• Brad: So 99% of Sydney is in absolute ruins. Except for the Opera House!
• Brian: If it wasn’t for the Opera House you would mistake Sydney for Cleveland.
• Brad: X also summons another champion to do battle with the mighty Godzilla and that monster is….Zilla?! Christ on crutches. He’s new around here ain’t he?
• Jim: Toho Godzilla vs. Roland Emmerich Godzilla. Place your bets.
  
• Brad: This must be that Sum 41 hit single we heard so many times back in 2004. Hell, at least it wasn’t Good Charlotte, Limp Bizkit or Nickelback. 
• Brad: Was it the intent to mock Zilla even more so by making it the only CGI monster in this flick? And when I mean CGI, I mean half-assed CGI.
• Brian: OH SHIT this Zilla battle is going to be so epic! Oh…
• Brad: Forget what I said about the Opera House by the way. It’s now the permanent resting place for Zilla. Who by the way lasted only slightly longer than Liz Truss as UK Prime Minister.
• Jim: Toho Godzilla kicks Rollie’s Godzilla into the Sydney opera house, then destroys him with the atomic breath in a mere 30 seconds or so. Sheer. Bloody. Poetry.
• Brian: New Guinea, Italy.
• Jim: 
• Brad: A spider-like Kaiju (Kumonga) on New Guinea (hey, where’s there old Guinea anyway?) just shot some silk into the air that becomes a perfect spider web net on its way down to net Godzilla in the head.
• Jim: Even the giant spider shoots webs that look like Todd McFarlane’s.
• Brian: Come on, Kumonga!
• Brian: Godzilla just hammerthrew his ass. He could probably kumonga back from that though.
• Jim: A fucking Liz Truss joke – well done.
• Brad: This flick should have a scoreboard or a bracket to keep track of all the defeated monsters. Especially if the majority of this second half of the film is just battle after battle in a different part of the globe. 
• Brian: Is all this taking place over the course of a week, or is Godzilla teleporting to all these countries?
• Brad: Back in Japan (Godzilla’s home turf!), X summons Kamacuras, the praying mantis-like kaiju. X learned his managerial skills from Aaron Boone apparently.
• Brad: Godzilla throws the bug onto an electrical power line but not to electrocute it, no, somehow the insect lands perfectly onto the sharp end impaling it. The Orkin Man couldn’t have done a better job.
• Brian: There should have been a deluge of green blood from Kamacuras’ chest that flooded the neighboring town killing dozens.
• Brad: “This Godzilla guy is one tough dude.” There’s no way that was translated perfectly from Japanese to English.

• Brad: The old man with the grandson and Minilla is trying to explain the whole Hiroshima/Nagasaki events to his grandson but he sugarcoats it by saying man built a great fire and burned everything in existence. “The big bang — took and shook the world. Shot down the rising sun.”
• Jim: If that Doctor is gonna develop feelings for her mutant bodyguard, we need to get the rights to the Whitney Houston song PDQ.
• Brad: No time for love Dr. Jones.
• Brad: Minilla is now Toonces the driving kaiju!

• Brad: X finally had the grand idea to not have one monster fight Godzilla but THREE monsters! Enter into the ring: Rodan, Anguirus and King Caesar. 
• Jim: BTW, where the hell is Mothra when you need her? Fucking bitches, man.
• Brad: My money’s still on Godzilla.
• Brad: In a clever move, Godzilla jumps out of the way while the other three monsters bolt toward him thus making them all collide with each other. He isn’t called King of the Monsters for nothing folks!
• Jim: Godzilla’s skid stop was fucking hysterically awesome.
• Brian: NO! Godzilla and Anguirus are buddies!

• Jim: Are these people playing quidditch or soccer?
• Brian: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAALLL!!
• Brad: Great shot of a triumphant Godzilla with Mt. Fuji behind him.

• Jim: Son of Godzilla can still only mange to blow smoke rings, but he did grow 200 feet—so that’s something.
• Brad: Minilla just Apache Chief’d. Or he just hit puberty.
• Brian: God Milla you’re such a pussy.
• Brad: I kind wish that the flick would explain why Capt. Gordon an American is this high-ranking military leader for a Japanese defense force. I suppose the Earth Defense Force its open to every ethnic group on the planet but so far, he’s the only non-asian in this flick.
• Jim: Fuck I wish I had that Apache Chief joke.
• Brian: Did they even ask a competent actor to do the Flesh Gordon role?
• Brad: Kozama manages to fly a jet into the Xilian’s mother ship. Now all he’s got to do is fire on the main reactor and get out of there before it explodes!
• Jim: The Battleship Yamato would have kicked these alien’s asses for sure.
• Jim: That shot was lifted right from ID4.
• Brian: Godzilla does not have time to fuck around with these B-tier adversaries.

• Jim: Now we’re inside the second Death Star from Return Of The Jedi.
• Brad: Dude! I was kidding but this movie just ripped off Return of the Jedi wholesale!
• Jim: He even kamikazes the main reactor.
• Jim: What a mensch, but I did call it an hour ago if you remember.
• Brad: So just as the Gotengo enters the mother ship as is about to fire its fatal laser blast, X’s cenobites beam onto the ship and kill every crew member except the main heroes. Not sure why X would want them kept alive but let’s let the dude cook.
• Jim: “Be ready to fire the mazer?” Did he mean Richard Masur from It and Scavenger Hunt? Why is he losing his job?
• Brad: Oh hai Mothra!
• Jim: Mothra! Finalmente, brava.
• Brian: I’ve always thought Mothra just kind of annoyed monsters to death. But hey, it works for her.
• Brad: Is that Hedorah? Man, he’s fallen on some hard times hasn’t he?
• Jim: Worst alien lead commander ever.
• Brad: Oh, I stand corrected. This was the last moments of an ongoing battle between Godzilla, Hedorah and Ebirah. I guess it wasn’t worth watching that match-up. Maybe that battle was only available on PPV.
• Brad: Morgan asks X why he spared their lives and X explains that Xilian’s need human mitochondria to survive. They were surviving this long without human mitochondria so what changed?
• Jim: The aliens need human mitochondria to survive. That bullshit premise didn’t work in the Phantom Menace either hotshot.
• Brian: I guess that explains why they don’t just eat cows. Or Godzilla.
• Brad: I’m starting to see the Xilian’s point about how awful our human race is to the Earth.
• Jim: Worst alien lead commander evil laugh ever. His one-liners leave something to be desired as well.
• Brad: So is this Gorath, the planet/white dwarf racing towards Earth, real? Because in an earlier scene Dr. Miyuki was explaining that Gorath was a fabrication when she did enough scientific research on the subject. 
• Brad: Godzilla is so powerful that he fires his atomic breath so hard into the air that it reaches outer space and also manages to get a direct hit on Gorath making it explode and when I say explode I mean, no living creature save for cockroaches should be able to survive this level of blast.
• Brad: But anyway the event we’ve all been waiting for: King Ghidorah. In battle armor? With arms?! I am unfamiliar with this version of Ghidorah. Is this like when Cobra Commander wore that battle suit for a while?
• Jim: Monster X, as Arsenio once exclaimed, is in the house.
• Brian: I was hoping Godzilla’s final opponent would be an enlarged Macho Man Randy Savage, but close enough.
• Brad: Here ya go:

• Brad: Mothra to the rescue!
• Brad: Another Gigan?! Aren’t there like a dozen other Godzilla enemies to choose from, why are they dipping back in the Gigan pool? And the Xilians rebuilt him? In less than a day?
• Jim: Gigan vs. Mothra in one fall.
• Brad: Not gonna lie, this Mothra vs. Gigan fight is kinda bad-ass. Looks great too.
• Brad: Gigan got lucky and clipped one of Mothra’s wings and Mothra takes a break. Well maybe, when she landed there was an explosion. I’m sure she’s fine.
• Jim: Well, touch a moth’s wings once…
• Brad: I’m sorry but “M-base” sounds so fucking stupid.
• Brad: Hello Gentlemen. All your M-Base are belong to us.
• Brian: The mutants are inbred?
• Brad: X just basically said that Ozaki’s mutant powers haven’t developed yet. He hasn’t gone through mutant puberty yet apparently. (2 puberty jokes in the same post? Weird)
• Brian: Kaiser Wilhelm?

• Jim: I’m a Keizer, you’re a Keizer. Do I have to sing the rest of the goddamn song?
• Brad: X tells Ozaki that he too is a Keizer and potentially has awesome powers. He then force lightnings Ozaki from his hand.
• Brad: Now it’s Godzilla vs. Gigan AND Ghidorah! Godzilla better start unlocking special moves, like this: 

• Brad: Wait. X is shooting force lightning at Ozaki to activate his Keizer powers?! Is this guaranteed to make him side with X?
• Jim: Mothra with the Coup de Grace.
• Brad: Mothra’s back! And Hell hath no fury like a giant moth scorned!
• Brian: I’m glad getting stabbed in the neck woke him up.
• Brad: I thought I was paying good enough attention but do you two recall when Dr. Miyuki acquired that Xilian dagger type thing that she just stabbed Ozaki with to turn him back to being a good guy?
• Brad: I like how there’s like 4-5 cenobites just standing around doing absolutely jack shit.
• Brad: So instead of using Mechagodzilla, we basically get a suped up more mechanical Gigan. 
• Brad: Ummm. What exactly chopped off Gigan’s head?
• Brian: Now Gigan will never be the head monster.
• Brad: Great visual of Mothra completely engulfed in flames charging towards Gigan and finishing him off.
• Brian: That was also a kamikaze move. Too soon, Japan.
• Jim: Now this guy’s Neo-Matrixing the laser bullets.
• Brad: The Matrix called and it wants its bullet stopping powers back.
• Brad: Ozaki halted all the 5 dozen bullets fired upon them and then returns the volley back to the Xilians and every bullet misses. Even Stormtroopers had a better shooting average.
• Brad: Despite there being a couple of EDF agents alongside Ozaki as well as X’s cenobites, yet the film is going to have them sit on the sidelines while only Ozaki and X fight by themselves.

• Brad: There’s very little doubt the impact The Matrix had on this flick. 
• Jim: This movie’s fighting banter is…lacking.
• Brad: Oh I was wrong in a good way and now everyone is kung-fu fighting. Even the ladies!
• Jim: I can almost hear the Rocky theme at this point.
• Brad: Sword fights, kung-fu, monster battles, motorcycle chases, this flick has everything! No apes though. Could use an ape if I’m being honest.
• Jim: That duel fight shot was in Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom.
• Jim: This was 2004 – long before the MCU made the “hero-landing” de rigueur.
• Brad: In case anyone cared, The UN Secretary and the chief of the EDF are alive and well now.
• Brian: Oh good Francis Ford Coppola is still alive.
• Brad: Godzilla giving Ghidorah a couple of haymakers. Ghidorah is getting so many rights, it’s begging for a left!
• Brad: So all the other nations of the world are content just letting the EDF take care of all of this. No armies or navies coming to lend a hand or two? Are they busy fighting off other monsters that Godzilla didn’t kill yet?
• Brian: I understand the leather dusters are meant to look cool, and dear god they are so cool, but it seems like it would be a big hindrance to martial arts movement.
• Brad: I get the gag but why would a Xilian female say “you would hit a woman?” before Gordon lands the final blow? They have the same gender rules on Planet X?
• Brian: Shouldn’t Flesh Gordon cut the aliens’ heads off to be sure? Gigan’s already been decapitated, lets keep it going.
• Brad: More dumb Matrix tropes. This was passé even in 2002.
• Jim: This is like watching two male models having a catfight who just happen to know kung-fu.
• Brad: The film won’t bother explaining how all the other mind controlled EDF soldiers just exploded when they were moments away from killing the good guys. Less for me to explain.
• Jim: Fucking Hell, there’s still 18 and a half minutes to go in this movie.
• Brad: I think most of these sets were rented out from Charles Band.
• Brian: Or the Charlie Daniels Band.
• Jim: Take the Commander to sick bay. Make it so Number One.
• Brad: More explosions!
• Jim: And boom goes the mothership. Hooray.
• Brad: Fuck it, one more explosion!

• Jim: No more nodding!
  
• Brian: King Ghidorah you asshole!
• Brad: King Ghidorah is shedding its Mecha-suit. Shit’s about to go down.
• Jim: The real King Ghidorah has apparently just stood up.
• Brian: Oh he’s a vampire now.
• Brad: Elbows up Godzilla!
• Brad: Godzilla could use a hand.
• Jim: King Ghidorah always kicks Godzilla’s ass.

• Brad: Something that probably shouldn’t occur but makes sense to a 12-year-old is happening. Godzilla needs energy so Ozaki activates his Keizer power and somehow loads that Keizer energy into the Gotengo’s laser beam weapon that shoots Godzilla, giving him more power to continue to fight Ghidorah. It’s the equivalent to when Hulk Hogan would be near defeat and the little Hulkamaniacs rally him back up.
• Brian: They have to give Godzilla more energy, but how could they possibly gather that much cocaine in time?
• Jim: Godzilla shoots down the Gotengo. Well that’s a fine how-do-you-do for recharging your power, you fucking lizard by-product of the atomic era motherfucker.
• Brad: There can be only one!
• Brian: King Ghidorah can’t handle his liquor.
• Brad: Now Godzilla is kicking ass, one Ghidorah head at a time.
• Brian: More decapitations! Did Al Qaeda fund this?
• Brad: Was that a suplex?
• Brian: Get him a body bag! Yeah! Hahahahaha!

• Brad: That nuclear blast that killed Ghidorah will surely be safe for all mankind. Domo arigato Godzilla!
• Brad: Christ! I totally forgot all about Minilla. What was his fucking point!
• Brian: I hope Godzilla eats Milla in one quick gulp.
• Brad: Grandpa tells Godzilla (yeah really) that he needs to move on from all the destruction mankind has wrought on the Earth.
• Brad: Then he proceeds to curse the “Damn Lizard” and aims his rifle at him but his grandson steps in front between Godzilla and his grandfather. Yeah it’s as stupid as it sounds. Plus, these characters had less than zero involvement in this whole flick and now they add some moral quandary to the mix. Fuck off!
• Brian: Did that old guy really think he was going to kill this 40-foot monster with his rifle?
• Brad: No seriously, who did Godzilla bang? Who laid the egg of his son?

• Brian: Well all the monsters have to come from somewhere, but Godzilla is more Minilla’s adoptive dad, and Minilla is his crazed stalker fan.
• Brad: Minilla now has atomic blast breath! Wunderbar!
• Brad: Anna says to Capt. Gordon: “So you came back.” Do you guys know what she means by this? Also the subtitles display: “Welcome back.” Which actually makes more sense in this context so maybe the translation for the dubbing is wrong.
• Jim: GZ Jr. says, “No Dad, they’re cool.” and they walk into the ocean together.
• Brian: Godzilla doesn’t want to talk to Milla, so he just splits the scene. Smart.
• Brad: Closing shot of Godzilla riding off into the sunset with his son is the ending we all were craving. Surprised the little grandson didn’t call for them like Shane.
• Brad: Dr. Miyuki says to Ozaki: “Thank Goodness. It’s all over at last.” And Ozaki replies: “No. It’s not over. It’s just a new beginning.” Which if you see their faces makes it seem like he shit in her cereal but I think he meant new beginning in a good way.
• Jim: Decent enough ending I suppose. It leaves ya thinking that’s for sure.
• Brian: Well, the Earth is destroyed, but all’s well that ends well.
• Jim: Did I find it entertaining?
  
  

 

Final Thoughts: Jim: I really can’t shit on Godzilla movies that much, they’re just too much fun no matter what era. This one had a cheese factor to it that was very 70’s or Showa Era for you aficionados. We’ve had worse.

Brian: This movie is obviously a dumb mess, but the fun kind. I wish that there was more focus on Godzilla, who is barely in the first half of the movie, and less focus on the mutant thing which basically goes nowhere, and makes the movie about 15 minutes too long. Still, I have a soft part in my heart that resembles a scaly cyst for Godzilla and all his buddies, so I enjoyed myself. Recommended for rubber enthusiasts, model collectors, people who thought The Matrix could’ve been better, aficionados of decapitation, plastic armor fetishists, and mustache riders.

Brad: I believe this was my first Millennium Godzilla flick and it was pretty much what I expected. late 90s, early aught cheese with sub-par over-the-top acting and dialogue as well as cheap CGI effects. But you know what, it’s still good cheese and makes me hungry for more Godzilla flicks of that era. I mainly watched the Showa era of flicks growing up and there really isn’t much difference between these eras except the new technological advances of the times. Hell it’s still better than the Roland Emmerich debacle but then again so is chlamydia. 

How Multi-Ethnic is it: Jim: You can’t get more Japanese than this, no matter what The Vapors tell you. Tariff rate: 100%

Brian: All nations and space are united and represented beautifully. 200% Tariff

Brad: They even somehow shoe-horned Vancouver in the mix of places that experienced Kaiju action! 1000% Tariff!

Jim’s Score: 7.5 Xilien Haircuts (out of 10)

Brian’s Score: 7.5 Minutes of Godzilla Screentime (out of 10)

Brad’s Score: 7.5 Sums (out of 41)