Friday the 13th – Nine Lives

Full Movie: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: More murder and mayhem from our favorite movie slasher! But this time, it’s Halloween and Jason’s trick or treating.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• This one opens with Jason slowly taking a leisurely stroll in the woods near suburban homes while the same old Manfredini score plays. At least it looks like NJ and its set during autumn.
• This is actually filmed in Blairstown, NJ. Same as the original F13! Nice.
• Two kids are walking around town wearing Halloween III masks (pumpkin and witch) and Jason just waltzes up to them and kills them in broad daylight. Okie dokie.
• Kill count: 2
• Even though this was made in 2020, they are calling this “Friday the 13th Part IX” ignoring Jason Goes to Hell, Jason X and Freddy vs. Jason. Fine by me. Oh but then the 13 swaps to say “Friday the 31st: Nine Lives”. So this is set on Halloween. Cool.
• Special appearance by Lauren-Marie Taylor as Vickie who was killed in Part II in her underwear looking for the wheelchair guy. She was always a favorite of mine. However, how is she playing Vickie when Vickie died in Part II? Hmmmmm. Maybe she’s a ghost.
• Recognize that cemetery.

The tags are still on the masks you dopes!

• Nice. There’s a Myers gravestone in the F13 cemetery.
• So far that’s 2 Halloween movie franchise Easter eggs. Is this movie going to be wall to wall horror movie Easter eggs and call backs? It’s like Kevin Smith is directing this.
• I don’t mind it that much that this was clearly filmed with iPhones but could they have tried to use filters to make it less so?
• Jason is just lurking around and following these kids who were at the cemetery.
• Higgins Haven!
• Ha! Here’s Vickie, reading the paper about the recent Jason killings and she says that “You didn’t kill me in that lodge! And you’re not going to find me now! You bastard!” So there you go, they retconned Vickie to be a survivor and is now a Laurie Strode-type heroine. Sure, why not?
• How is it that these low-budget, fan-made you-tube F13 flicks all have one old F13 franchise actor in them? Like I get that they have nothing better to do than do the fanfests and conventions but they have to be getting some dough reprising their roles or making cameos, no? Thank Crom for Kickstarter I suppose.
• Some random pixie (I think it’s a girl) is walking around a lake and spots Jason. Not in the woods but up in a tree! What?!

Me Tarzan…You Jane!

• The girl then yells for her mother and runs away towards a garage but is then cornered because the garage doesn’t have a back entrance. Dope.
• But when Jason attacks the garage (we see him through the window) she says it’s just a dream and the scene ends.
• Next scene, the pixie girl is in bed and Jason’s at the foot of her bed and again she yells for her mom and again, it was another dream. So was that a dream within a dream?
• Sack-head Jason makes an appearance while Pixie girl’s mother tells her tale. Too bad they couldn’t get a proper 1981 era vehicle. That KIA ain’t working guys.
• Jason hacks off this victim’s forearm off and it’s clearly a fake hand that one can buy at any local Spirit of Halloween. Sheesh.
• So the mother just sat in her car watching Jason chase down this guy and kill him without trying to help in any way? What the fuck?
• The mother kept this a secret to her family and especially this guy (son?) in a goatee who is furious he wasn’t told sooner. He says 5 years they didn’t say anything. 5 years? But it was sack-head Jason from Part II which was set in 1981 so now I’m confused.
• Maybe it’s like Jason had a throwback murder spree, like when football teams use their old uniforms from 20 years back or something.
• Hahahaha. He then suggests that they all get drunk. I’m way ahead of them.
• I thought that one other young-ish dude was another brother but the other is sitting on his lap so I guess it’s a dad or boyfriend. In fact everyone in this family is practically the same age. Guess the filmmakers had a hard time getting older actors or something.
• Oh look, Halloween playing on the TV. And a Jason Lives poster on the wall. META!
• C’mon now they’re nitpicking the fact that Michael Myers can drive a car. Yeah yeah yeah, we’ve heard it all before chuckleheads.
• The “dad” is drinking Duff Beer, which is really just soda in reality.
• Right? Why Jason?
• Is that a Trick or Treat (the one with Skippy) T-Shirt?
• This is not a good F13 fan flick in all honesty. It’s poorly written and the acting is atrocious. Sure it’s only 65 minutes long but it’s dragging its ass as slow as possible.
• Alright, these driving to nowhere shots and random leaves falling shots are going on way too long now. Let’s go!!
• Random Pamela Voorhees grave. The headstone is the size of a cereal box!
• You couldn’t get more North-west Jersey than these folks. These are the same folks that hang out smoking outside your local Applebees parking lot when they have the old car shows.
• Obligatory Jason legend exposition. DRINK!
• Can’t believe I’ve lived in NJ all my life and as a big horror/F13 fan I never made it up to Blairstown to check out the filming locations.
• Hahahaha. The protagonists walk into a cabin of Camp Crstyal Lake and in the foreground is a hilariously fake Pamela Voorhees severed head with sweater on the floor. Again, if this was filmed in dim lighting and not on a crystal clear resolution iPhone camera in broad daylight it might have been passable but I’ve literally seen better set decorations at a Spirit Halloween. Hell, I’ve seen more convincing props trick or treating in my neighborhood growing up.

Sandy Duncan has seen better days

• Hahahaha, they are touching the head and casually expressing dismay that it’s real. Man, this is so lame. Now the main guy is convinced Jason is back and killing again.
• Yeah don’t call the cops, they won’t do shit. Let’s just go.
• I’m also glossing over the fact that Pamela’s severed head looks just like it did back in 1981. Jason really knew how to preserve that noggin’!
• He said the events of Jason Take Manhattan take place in the year 2000. And doing the math of the entire Paramount series timeline, he’s 100% correct. However, the filmmakers of the F13 series are not quite that bright and someone states in Part VIII that Jason drowned 30 years back. It’s canon that Jason drowned in 1957 which would make the events of Part VIII in 1988/89 and that’s when the movie was actually made. I dunno, I’m too drunk for math right now.
• It would be hilarious if that scene with Vickie was the only thing they filmed with Lauren-Marie Taylor. It wouldn’t surprise me.
• Hey, now’s a good time for the chap who always bring the madcap…Crazy Ralph! Hey Ralph, what’s your predictions for this flick?

• Wait, isn’t this day in the movie supposed to be Halloween? Sure as hell don’t look like it.
• Pixie girl is back dreaming or fantasizing about seeing Jason at the camp cabin.
• Hahahahahaha. The camp cabin is completely covered with random graffiti. Sometimes a word pops out if I’m scrutinizing the background well enough. Saw the word CUNT earlier. Now when Jason is about to grab Pixie girl over his shoulder it either reads JEWS R BAD or JEWS R RAD. At any rate they could’ve filmed that shot from another angle to leave out the graffiti. Or I don’t know, cover it up. I can’t help but think this was a conscious decision to have that phrase included though.
• “No drinking. No drugs!” My mom always used to give me that warning too when I went to hang with my friends.
• In case you didn’t already realize that these guys are horror movie fans, they decided to linger on a shot of H2O and the original Halloween posters on the wall. But Footloose too!?

Two horror classics. One spooky night at the drive-in

• This must be a real drive-in. According to imdb this movie was filmed mostly in upstate Western NJ where there is no drive-ins. One location was in Toms River, NJ but the next closest drive-in to there is about 90 minutes away. There’s a bunch over to the NY and PA borders though.
• This drive-in looks awesome though, decorated for Halloween with merch. The film basically is doing a walkthrough commercial for the drive-in, even lingering shots on the snack bar for some weird reason. Guess that was the deal for filming there or something.
• The drive-in is showing Creepshow. Dude, I need to go to this Drive-in pronto.
• Without fanfare, Pixie chick is attacked by Jason and he plunges his thumbs into her eye sockets. I really thought she’d be the final girl. Oh well. Kill Count: 3
• Jesus, now they’re nitpicking Creepshow? Is this what we sound like? I mean, we only watch and nitpick shitty movies usually in our defense.
• The dad says that he’s not worried about Jason since Jason is 74 years old. Ageist much? I mean, sure he’s not as young as Michael Myers who would’ve been 63 in 2020 but really, the media doesn’t criticize his mass-murder skills?! 
• The guy says they’re at the Lost River Drive-In. A quick google search says that that drive-in is in Idaho. There’s one by that name in Bowling Green, Kentucky as well. However, there’s also a Lost River Drive-in Youtube channel devoted to horror movie reviews so maybe its a dumb nod to that. The writer/director of this flick had a horror movie themed podcast so maybe there’s a connection there. Point is, I did too much research already.
• Now we’re hearing the fine points between Creepshow one and Creepshow TWO. The wife seems nonplussed.
• Yeah, that’s one awesome cat costume! It didn’t even take me more than 45 seconds to figure out what she was.
• Hahahaha. Why did they film this scene at the front door behind cat lady with the neighbor’s house behind her obviously displaying xmas lights! Did you think we wouldn’t notice? Does this film think we’re all fart-heads?!
• Oh yeah, Jason Voorhees is in this picture.
• This could be the most pathetic Halloween party ever put in a movie.
• And of course, we watch them dancing at said party for way too long.
• No one calls the bathroom a “Powder Room.” No one.
• Oh no! Jason just killed that chick we never met before in the powder room! Kill Count: 4

Is that a machete in my back or are you just happy to see me?

• Another nameless idiot dead. Kill Count: 5
• Nameless bastard gets his whiny complaining throat slashed. Kill Count: 6
• Nice dummy. No really, looks so lifelike.
• Remember NBA Jam? Well, I hope you liked it enough to watch this dude play it for a few minutes. Seriously, it’s weird that the game is in close-up for an extended amount of time. Why?!
• To add to the weirdness, the NBA Jam game cabinet has Garbage Pail Kid cards all over it.
• Strange that this flick is set during Halloween and there’s zero trick or treaters for Jason to slaughter. Just these imbeciles at this Halloween-ish party.
• Oh good, we get to watch them play pool now. Why the fuck is “Sweat (A La La La La La Long)” the reggae song from 1992 playing now?!
• So the fine folks who obviously have a great eye for detail have the hockey mask with a gash from when Chris whacked him at the end of Part III with an axe but the mask the fella who’s playing Jason is wearing has no wound at the same location so it looks really dumb. However, when there’s a close-up of his hand holding the knife, there’s the same bruise on his thumbnail like how he had it in Part II. How do you pay attention to detail this inconsistent?
• I’m assuming that chick is dead. Kill Count: 7
• Why did this guy change his shirt to take a dump?
• And is he going to die on the crapper like Demon in Part V? It was those damn enchiladas!
• That stunt of Jason throwing Steve over the couch was so nice they showed it twice.
• Why the fuck is Jason listening to Steve go on and on about death and not coming back? Just die already Steve. Kill Count: 8
• Wait, wasn’t Steve the main protagonist in this? Don’t tell me the remaining 13 minutes is footage of movie posters and Halloween decor or someone playing NBA Jam.
• “You can’t die. There’s senoritas and margaritas waiting for us man. We still have music to record.” Eat your heart out future screenwriters!

I can’t believe you got killed by Jason Voorhees. How could you have done this? How could you have been killed by Jason Voorhees?

• I think Steve’s friend just high fives Steve as he’s slowly dying.
• Kill Count: 9
• I love how they conceived this movie that Jason’s in the suburbs BUT only attacks this one house on Halloween.
• That’s one well lit forest!
• If I was Harry Manfredini I would sue each and every one of these fan made movies for copyright. He’d make a small fortune.
• Jason threw an ax into Steve’s friend’s (or was that his dad—I went away for a few days and didn’t finish the movie in one sitting and my memory don’t give a shit enough to remember these characters) chest. Kill Count: 10
• The girl dressed as a cat wakes from a nap. Guess she slept off all that Halloween hooch. Anyway, Jason’s back.
• She somehow threw the knife she took out of one of her dead friend’s chest and got Jason in the shoulder. Impressive!
• Of course she just watches Jason slowly remove said knife.
• She then takes the world’s smallest meat cleaver and plunges it right in the place that already had the gash in his mask. What are the odds?!
• OK, that is kinda funny. Cat girl is frantically looking for a weapon in the kitchen and she opens up a pizza box and almost chooses the pizza cutter but then changes her mind.
• This is supposed to be Jersey (it is New Jersey) yet, there’s a Chicago Bulls poster on the wall and a Chicago Bears cup on the counter.
• Is cat woman our final girl? I don’t even remember her being a prominent character.
• OH look, Steve is still alive! And saves the final girl for a moment before hilariously killed (again) with a small gardening claw.
• And word to the wise, if you can’t afford special effects try to hide the fact that someone is getting stabbed a little better. I can see the gardening claw hitting the couch and not Steve’s chest. A little fake blood on the claw would’ve helped also.
• Truly riveting and suspenseful this flick is.

I’m so sick and tired of this.

• Hahaha, Jason gets stabbed in the throat with something and when he hits the ground his mask falls off. Great unmasking movie. Top Notch.
• Final girl casually takes the mask with her (why?) as she strolls to her car and starts to drive off.
• Just waiting for the final jump scare.
• Still waiting.
• Any day now.
• Nothing? But they are playing the music from end of the original when she’s drifting in the lake before he jumps out. Why would they do this if there was no jump scare.
• Fucking hell.
• AND I was right in that we never saw or heard from Vickie ever again.
• Credits state they filmed that Drive-In at the Mahoning Drive-In. Which is in Lehighton, Pennsylvania. Why did they say it was Lost River then? Maybe my theory about the YouTube Horror channel holds some water after all. Regardless it doesn’t fucking matter.
• Hahahaha. Now the title is Friday the 13th Part IX: Nine Lives. “Part Nine Nine Lives.” Not “Part Nine Lives.” Actually both sounds ridiculous, never mind.
• Why is this called “Nine Lives” anyway? Does that mean Jason has nine lives? They killed over 9 in the movie so it can’t mean the nine lives taken. The poster shows an unlucky black cat in the moon and the final girl was a black cat for Halloween…does that mean anything? Does anything mean anything?!

Kill Count: 10-ish (I’m not sure if I should count the flashback kills)

T&A Count: 0.0

Best Kill: A head crushed on the top of some stairs. 

Final Thoughts: This one not only looks bad and is executed bad, it leaves a bad feeling with you after your watch it. I get that a lot of love and dedication went into this fan-made production but the end result leaves very little to be desired. The balance between fan-service and easter eggs and love for the franchise wasn’t equal to the acting, story and interesting kills. It’s not the worst F13 fan-made flick but it’s not worthy of recommendation either. Sorry!

Score: 3 Boom-Shoka-Lockas! (out of 10)

Crazy Ralph’s Opinion: