Friday the 13th – Vengeance

Full Movie: 

 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: C’mon, YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S ABOUT!

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Mysterious Man in black rudely tells a groundskeeper to take him to the gravesite and it was literally a 30 second walk forward.
• Of course it’s the graves of both Pamela and Jason, but the groundskeeper states that Jason’s grave is empty. Oooooooooooooeoooeooeoeoeo. He also calls the mysterious man in black Mr. Voorhees so there goes the mystery.
• Cut to dumb, stoner horny teens at a campsite.
• BOOBS!! Actual bare breasts in a F13 fan flick. I should just stop now.
• But it’s the 21st century F13 film so the stoner kid is watching pornhub before Jason come out the lake and crushes his head with a boulder.
• Kill Count: 1
• The two kids fucking in the tent are next. In fact he grabs them both in the tent and somehow has the strength to whip them hard enough onto the ground to kill them.
• Kill Count: 3
• He left one lone survivor girl for some reason.
• And we can erase any doubt that Mr. Voorhees is behind the Jason killings since we see him shortly afterwards witnessing the deaths. C’mon movie, you can give us some mystery.
• Ashley Jarvis? Tommy’s kid or niece I’m assuming.
• Her and her mom were playing hide and seek. That seems sweet until you see that Ashley Jarvis is 14 years old.
• Oh it’s not her mom but her aunt. And Ashley is whining she can’t see her mom.
• Not sure how I feel about Paul Verhoeven style commercials playing between scenes.

• Sheriff Jason Realoti is one tough dude. He does not take kindly to Jason Voorhees questions.
• The news report says that 3 teens have been killed by bear attack. Oh man, my wish to see Jason fight a bear could actually happen if this foreshadowing actually happens.
• Shit! Angelica’s dad is missing!
• This hillbilly is trying to pick up chicks by saying: “I have to piss like a racehorse, hey baby, wanna see the horse part?”
• He then accosts another lady by slapping her ass and saying: “You bring the tail to tailgate.”
• He’s full of colorful zingers. “Damn. She’s a tough bitch. Bet you put your tampon in with a Nerf gun.”
• This lush has more one-liners than all of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour combined. A cop asks him if it’s a little early to be this drunk and he replies, “Shit! You’re right, guess I need another beer!”

• Wessex county, NJ is chock full of diverse folk.
• There’s this writer dude that Angelica called earlier who apparently is friends with him. (Angelica is Ashley’s aunt I think) But when she called him earlier he didn’t know her phone number. Yet she’s calling him for help with her dad. I don’t understand how their relationship works.
• The commercial I mentioned earlier was for a Jason Voorhees haunted tour of the woods. And this one, Legend 57, isn’t the only one in the area. I mean, I guess this makes sense to have tours of Camp Crystal Lake. It doesn’t shock me. However, besides some dilapidated cabins what else can they possibly see? It’s not like his mom’s decapitated head shrine is till intact for people to take selfies with.
• The Maniac Mile is the other tour group.
• The 3-person tour group is annoyed that one of the tour members dressed in a hockey mask and scared them. The fucking nerve of that guy.
• The real Jason enters the chat and starts maiming the tour group.
• Kill Count: 8
• One of the Lengend57 group members has a wooden baseball bat and he says it’s to protect him from bears. Good luck with that Ted Willams.
• So the writer guy, Robert, has called some people to help find Angelica’s dad and they are all relatives of people killed by Jason. Heather Field (related to Ginny Field, Part II’s final girl), Jeff Dier (related to both Sandra from Part II or Rob from Part IV) and Joey Higgins (related to final girl Chris Higgins from Part III).
• While the fan service is commendable, I don’t see how these folks are going to help but they just want to help to destroy Jason. This is called Vengeance after all.
• Man, before I start these fan-made F13 flicks I need to research them on imdb first. The groundskeeper in the beginning of the movie was played by Tom McLoughlin, the writer/director of Jason Lives. And the hot Legend57 tour guide is none other than Darcy the Mail Girl!

• And Sheriff Realotti is played by the original Jason from Part II (the sack head one)
• Angelica’s dad is Tommy Jarvis of course.
• Jeff Dier says this is the opportunity to clear their families’ names. But it’s not like their family members were wrongfully accused of killing those other people in the earlier F13 flicks. What does he mean by clearing their names?
• I love how so many of these F13 fan fiction stuff center around Tommy Jarvis. Sure, he was in 3 of the Paramount film effectively making him the Laurie Strode/Dr. Loomis of the series but then again, Paramount stopped using him and every F13 movie since Part VI has sucked worse than the last. Funny how the fans wished Jarvis was more important to the franchise.
• These hunters didn’t notice Papa Voorhees walk behind them? How drunk are they?
• Anyway they’re dead now. Kill Count: 10
• Ashley Jarvis isn’t invited to the Jason victims vengeance party.
• This movie doesn’t even let the auxiliary characters live long enough before Jason (or his dad) comes ut of nowhere to dispatch them. This scene has 2 ladies with a stalled car and while one is under the hood, Jason rams her head into the fan belt as it starts and then awesomely decapitates the driver with the half-opened car window. We just met them 30 seconds ago!

• Kill Count: 12
• Darcy’s nipples should have their own imdb page.
• Some great tent erecting double entreat gags. Top notch joke writing team!
• Well at least this film is trying to have comic relief.
• The Scooby gang goes to a shrink and the female psychiatrist is named Dr. Crews. That was Terry Kiser’s name in Part VII!
• Is everyone in this flick related to someone from the F13 series?
• At some point I should probably care about at least a few of these humans in this movie but I know it’s not going to amount to a hill of beans.

• Hahahaha. Jeff Dier comes right out and asks Dr. Crews: “Alright how do we kill Jason?” Dude, she’s a shrink, how/why would she know how to kill him?
• So is this Dr. Crews related to the other Dr. Crews or what?
• Now we’re watching a scene with prison inmates with cleaning up the forest detail. That’s about a dozen new victims in about a minute I’m sure.
• Another great idea for a new F13 movie is having Jason’s victims be recently escaped prison inmates running through the forest. Or better yet, Jason in prison!
• Cunningham Road! I found out long ago. Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. It’s a long way down Cunningham Road. Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. Cunningham Ro-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ad. Jason kill nimble. Jason kill quick. Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. Take a ride on a Wessex County kick…
• Man, Sheriff Realotti is one tough prick.
• These inmates can’t defend themselves for shit. They must all be pedophiles.

• Kill Count: Not sure how many inmates there were so let’s just say 24.
• Yeah Robert that bird you think you heard sounds just like a large man’s anguished screams of death.
• Angelica of course runs into the woods thinking it’s her dad.
• That hillbilly drunk is back! And he’s stealing the Scooby gang’s Jeep. There’s a lot of activity in these woods today.
• Shit! All their guns were in that Jeep! Now they have to fight Jason with handheld cutting weapons.
• The hillbilly calls Jason Mickey Myers before attempting to hurt Jason by smashing a beer bottle across his face. Jason didn’t like that. Not. One. Bit.
• The ripping off the Hillbilly’s head with his spine still attached FX wasn’t half bad. It would’ve been better if they didn’t film it in broad daylight. Also I know you want to darken out Jason’s eyes while he’s wearing the hockey mask but again, in daylight it’s obviously covered up with black cloth.

• Kill Count: 25
• Robert stole Dr. Crews Jason research stuff. He reads that there was a Jason sighting in Manhattan. But no one likes to talk about that.
• A Death CURSE! Where’s my boy?!

• Who in their right mind would camp with a tour group that specializes in a Jason Voorhees haunted tour? I can see walking the grounds and seeing the murder sights but actually staying overnight with these bozos? Ain’t no way.
• Oh I forgot to mention that Ashley and her friend have defied her aunt’s orders (or older sister I’m still not sure) and are also roaming the woods. They’re probably filming TikTok’s.
• Legend57 tour director. Dead.
• Kill Count: 26
• Jesus, we’re only halfway through and there’s already 26 deaths? Pump the brakes movie. Ever hear of Less is More?
• Robert the writer is giving me major Jeremy Davies from Lost vibes. I couldn’t stand Lost and I absolutely loathed Dr. Faraday on that show. Get lost Lost! Fuck off Lost!
• Are we or are we not going to see Darcy’s ta-tas?
• Yes horny dude, why don’t you and your female companion take a nice leisurely stroll by the lake. Feel free.
• Sheriff Realotti is giving me Cameron Mitchell vibes as the only time we see him is sitting behind his desk.

• Now the Sheriff is having a flashback to the time he worked at Camp Crystal Lake. Two other counselors accost him and some other lifeguard chick for fucking behind a shed in broad daylight while on duty telling them about a drowning kid. Hilarious.
• Robert is reading more Jason stuff and he says that Jason’s body was never found in the lake. But what time is he talking about? When he died back in the 50s? After the events of Part VI? Part VII? You have to be more specific!
• Oh first time (in the 50s) they meant, because according to this movie, Elias Voorhees, his father, found his body in the lake (I guess he didn’t bother telling Pamela) and did some occult ritual on him resurrecting him. But Pamela killed in the 80s when Jason was older and this flashback of him saving Jason was when Jason was a kid. Makes little sense despite me liking the idea.
• Yes Robert we all know Pamela Voorhees was the original killer in the F13 series.
• This must be a recreation of the opening of the original Friday the 13th when Pamela kills the 2 counselors making out in the 50s. Guess they couldn’t obtain the rights.
• And if Realotti was one of the lifeguards on duty at the time Jason drowned why isn’t he targeting for death? Why pick a random counselor necking in the attic?
• Oh wait, it’s Elias who killed them not Pamela! Plot Twist!
• Kill Count: 27
• This flick has the time to give us a lesbian sex scene with Darcy and some other chick. NICE!
• “Galavancing?” Idiot meant galavanting!
• Yes! Darcy boobs!

• Random Legend57 guy dead while watching the lesbians make out!
• Kill Count: 28
• Aw man, Darcy deserved a better send-off than that! Kill Count: 30
• Jeff is still watching that one couple make out naked in the lake and hilariously he’s getting impatient for the heavy petting session to speed up to full on fucking.
• Anyway, the dude making out with the chick is now dead. Kill Count: 31
• Another random fella gets himself perished. Kill Count: 32. Bear in mind all these kills happened in less than 2 minutes.
• Naked chick waiting for her beau to return gets drowned by Killer Jay. Kill Count: 33
• Why even bother showing us the drunk dude that has the bear-killing baseball bat death scene? At this point, all these kills are lame. Anyway, the baseball bat did jack shit. Kill Count: 34
• I almost forgot about old Man Elias still lurking around. It’s still a shame this film didn’t try to create the red herring/mystery angle but anyway he kills old lady Jarvis. Kill Count: 35
• Funny thing is, both Angelica and Ashley are out in the woods looking for their dad Tommy and not once has this flick even had him appear or even give us the inkling that he’s even in this movie.
• The Paramount flicks would’ve had a few shots of someone lurking in the woods that could or could not be Jason looking at other people. Nope. If Jason’s on screen you definitely know. If Elias Voorhees is on screen, we definitely know.

• Elias is now going to attack and kill Sheriff Realotti. The only character who deserves to die in this flick. Kill Count: 36
• Eech. One of the chicks (probably Ginny’s kid) is confronted by Jason and she basically does the same thing to Jason by pretend too be his mother, “Jason! Mother is talking to you!” But without the sweater or anything that would make Jason give a shit and she’s dead within seconds. Kill Count: 37
• There was a random female police officer that had maybe a few lines earlier in the film. Anyway, she’s gone bye-bye now. Kill Count: 64
• OK. Random T&A scene. One of the girls is erotically undressing in a tent. Is she trying to lure Jason or is she waiting for her boyfriend. I dunno. I can’t keep up anymore. Kill Count: 435
• And before you ask, no. None of these kills are that memorable or inventive or even interesting. They look great since it’s an amateur made F13 flick but it’s no Tom Savini.
• Another random deputy that won’t see another Christmas or birthday. Kill Count: 1267
• By this point Jason has to be bored by all this senseless killing. I would be.

• Wait. So Robert and what’s left of the Scooby gang makes it to Camp Crystal Lake and Robert says something like: I’m here. Never thought I’d come here. He’s writing a book on the legend of Jason and he apparently lives in the area and he never once tried to trespass onto the campsite? What was he waiting for?! 
• And not one of them is filming or taking pics!
• Really Robert? Screaming if they see something at Camp Crystal Lake is a good suggestion? You don’t say?
• One of the girls decides to wait outside ALONE because she’s too scared to go in the cabins. I’m assuming her SAT score was incredibly low.
• Anyway she’s dead now. Kill Count: 4097
• One could say that Jason has a plethora of killings in this movie.
• Again, what was the point in these Jason victim relatives coming to help find Tommy Jarvis? It’s not like they are in the military, know martial arts or any skill that would be beneficial.
• Robert is hiding under a canoe while Jason attempts to pin cushion his ass. And since we don’t see his actual death and we’re lead to believe Jason killed him, I’m sure he’ll be back to possible save the day in a few minutes.
• Angelica attacks Jason but Jason is saved by Elias who mortally wounds Angelica.
• Ashley and her friend try to help Angelica while Elias is yelling at Jason to kill them. But Jason kills Elias instead. Kids! Amiright?
• After unmasking Jason, Elias mutters to him “You’re not my boy!” before he dies. Not sure if that’s literal or just the disappointment talking. I mean, my dad said the same thing to me various times too. Kill Count: 8,675,309

• Jason’s face is almost completely zombiefied, which makes sense in the time frame of this film. Make up was decent.
• One deputy is still alive (or was it the same deputy I thought was killed earlier—doesn’t matter) and helps Ashley and her friend and takes them to safety.
• It’s now 2 weeks later and the deputy is talking to the coroner and the coroner says that there has been three death certificates for Elias Voorhees in 3 separate counties. It was a Death Curse!
• The coroner tells Angelica that Tommy Jarvis is not on his list of deceased from 2 weeks back. You mean the list of over 45+ from that one fateful night? Maybe that’s why this is now 2 weeks later, because it took that long to clean up and identify all those bodies.
• Tommy calls Ashley on her cell phone but the signal was weak and nothing intelligible was spoken.
• So Elias isn’t dead? And Jason is with him. Cliff Hanger!

Kill Count: Too fucking high! imdb has the final count at 44. 37 kills by Jason and 7 by his father, Elias.

T&A Count: 3 pairs of boobs. Not too shabby for a fan made flick.

Best Kill: The ripping out the spine from the town wino.

Final Thoughts: Not too bad. Not too bad. Not too good either though. It’s a mid-level F13 feature that gets a lot right and does a decent job with continuing the Jason myth. I liked the idea of having his father enter the picture but wished having the relatives of past victims something better to do but just be victims themselves. If you can find this on YouTube I would recommend checking it out. It’s not as good as the Never Hike Alone flicks but it’s better than Parts VIII—X for sure.

Score: 7 Hundred Deaths (out of 10)

Crazy Ralph’s Opinion: