Dear Cameron,

If I had a nickel for every Lando Calrissian inquiry, I’d have about 20¢. 

However, I have yet to publish my answers because Penthouse won’t print them along with the homoerotic fan fiction involving Lando and his trusty android, Lobot, even though they promised me years ago that they would. 

But anyway, here’s the answer to why Lando Calrissian who is seemingly portrayed as a hustler and scoundrel, yet an old friend of Han Solo, made as a high ranking officer of general in the Battle of Endor. The short answer is that the Alliance is completely fucked with the odds against them and they needed all the help they can get. But to make things more interesting, I’ll let you know a little secret about Lando—He’s a telepath. 

Yes, he can read and control minds! And when you think about it, it all makes perfect sense. Before he was administrator of Cloud City he was just a charlatan smuggler friend of Han Solo’s. But after he lost the Millennium Falcon to Solo he became so enraged that he got so pissing drunk one night and stumbled into a nearby (for a lack of a better word) space farm. On this space farm there was plenty of “live stock” and Lando decided to try out his new blaster on some space chickens. Being so sloppy drunk, he missed one of the chickens and slipped in some space manure knocking himself out when he landed on a trough. When he awoke he quickly realized he had the newfound power of telepathy. And shortly thereafter he easily influenced anyone to get what he wanted—like become administrator of Cloud City. This also further explains how he so easily not only gained entrance into Jabba’s Palace but was still fooling Jabba’s minions with that shitty disguise of his. And of course, it was no effort to convince Mon Mothma to become a general and lead the assault on the Death Star.

It’s a shame that Return of the Jedi was the last adventure that we see of Lando. And so far there’s no plans to include him in the upcoming sequels made by Disney. But I’m sure if Billy Dee Williams does reprise his role of Lando in a further episode it wouldn’t highlight his mind control powers. 

Your picture pal,
Professor Popcorn

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