10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)
New on home video today is 10 Cloverfield Lane which is a prequel/sequel/sidequel to the movie Cloverfield in which the parents of the Cloverfield monster Grover and Sally Cloverfield are concerned for their son’s well being since he hasn’t been home in days after a pretty nasty fight they had over him finally getting a job and moving out and possibly settling down with a nice girl but the Cloverfield monster who we find out is named Ronnie Cloverfield doesn’t need their shit and is tired of them nagging him all the time all he wants to do is drink and bag some easy tail and work on his motorcycle so he and his buddy Nick can ride through Canada because for one life is bullshit back in upstate New York but also he heard they have some premium weed up there I mean like really good smoke that bowls your brain over but you’re still pretty mellow it’s like the best high ever but it’s really all bullshit Canada is full of nothing but ditch weed that’s more skunked than a zombie fart but Ronnie isn’t the sharpest bulb on the tree so what the fuck does he know but anyway after that fight with his parents he goes to Jake Chubb’s Lakefront Pub you know the place it’s not even close to the fucking lake but that’s the joke it’s not the original Jake’s that actually was by the lake but that joint burned down in ’92 after Butch Willis & the Rocks blew threw and they brought pyro to a Thursday night pub gig how dumb is that but Jake didn’t press charges because they really rocked their set and the customers loved them plus that original place was a shithole anyway and had awful foundation problems due to the soft soil there so Jake would have had to eventually move out of there anyway so they really did him a favor and well the new place is a shithole too maybe even worse but hey it’s not sinking and the rules are pretty fast and loose in there so it’s a cool place but it attracts a pretty dank crowd including dirtbags like Ronnie who gets so shitfaced on Fireball and super pissed that some dude makes fun of him because that’s the drink a 19-year-old college girl would order he just goes nuts and starts beating up everyone which isn’t too hard for him because he’s at least four stories bigger than everyone else there and it doesn’t end at the bar he goes on a rampage eventually getting so heated he dives into the Hudson to cool off and finally emerges near the Statue of Liberty in New York City and he hasn’t cooled off a bit in fact he’s more pissed than ever before and you know what happens from there but back home at 10 Cloverfield Lane Grover and Sally watch everything on the news horrified at what their son is doing and holding each other tight and Sally is crying her eyes out and Grover is like “I knew it! I knew it!” and eventually the media shows up on their lawn hoping for an interview but they’re definitely in no state to talk to the press and all they can do is watch their disappointing shitfaced kid on the news and Sally can’t bear to look when the army commences its final bombing operation on Ronnie but it turns out even that didn’t stop him because he always was a tough son of a bitch especially when he drank and so eventually he just kind of passes out on Yankee Stadium and no one can move him obviously so he sleeps it off but man is he in trouble so when he wakes up the judge is like right there already and throws the book at Ronnie giving him 90 days in county and 3 years probation man what a ballbuster and Grover refuses to bail him out even though Sally wants to because it’s her baby boy and all but Grover’s like hey you act like a bastard you do your time and you do it like a man but you know when Ronnie gets out he just goes right back home to 10 Cloverfield Lane because Grover is tired of Sally nagging him and he’s probably drinking a bit too much himself these days and Ronnie acts like he’s sorry but you just know he’s gonna go back to the same old bullshit that’s just the kind of kid he is.
London Has Fallen (2016)
Oh look who it is in this sequel to 10 Cloverfield Lane surprise surprise it’s that fucking Ronnie again he’s made it to London because he thinks he’s going over there to ride his motorcycle with his friend Nick but Nick bails on him so of course Ronnie gets shitfaced on the cheapest whiskey in England and tears the shit out of London and you know what forget it he’s not even worth talking about what a loser straighten your life out asshole.