Spy (2015)

New on home video today is Spy which tells the story of two British spy agents who are also lovers but can’t express their love publicly because this portly woman from human resources in the spy agency keeps telling them that she doesn’t believe in gay marriage and says if they get married they’re out of the spy business and they’re like “What the fuck what’s wrong with you” and she doesn’t really give a shit and keeps popping up in their missions and fucking them over because she just can’t stand for gay people to be happy so she ends up getting shot in both knees and while she’s in the hospital the agents come to visit her and bring her flowers and she’s touched and thinks she may be wrong about them but she sees the card in the flowers and it says “Fuck you hateful bitch” and there’s also a picture of them at their wedding and she’s like “NOOOOOOOOOO” and nerve gas sprays out of the flowers and that’s kind of it.

Own it today!

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Poltergeist (2015)

New on home video today is Poltergeist the story of a family whose house is haunted and it’s pretty scary but the dad is like “Shiiiiit we can’t move because we’re upside down in the mortgage fuckin’ economy” so they just have to deal with it but the ghosts don’t give a fuck about the state of the economy so they take their little girl through the TV and that’s not as fun as it sounds and now the family really can’t sell the house because no home buyer wants to deal with that shit and it was like supposed to just be a starter house but the housing bubble burst and now they’re fucked and on top of that the ghost shit isn’t helping any and eventually they get the girl back but the dad’s like “Well that’s good but we still can’t afford to move” and they try to refinance but it doesn’t work and it could be because the ghosts are blocking it somehow it’s not really clear and anyway they just keep living there there’s nothing they can do about it.

Own it today!

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Entourage (2015)

New on home video today is Entourage which is the story of four brothers who are the world’s first conjoined quintuplets and they’re joined at the elbow which makes taking a piss and other things really awkward but you know they just get used to it over the years because they have to and in high school they loved to play football but quarterback was out of the question because you just can’t get velocity on your passes when your elbows are connected to other people but together they made the best flying wedge on special teams in the history of the sport but before they can go pro the NFL bans the flying wedge so they’re like “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck” and decide to try acting instead but despite appearing in a few Guillermo del Toro films nobody wants to cast them not because of the conjoined thing but because they’re a bunch of whiny douchebags so they decide to end it all by jumping out of a plane and for a minute they do the world’s sweetest tandem skydive but since they aren’t wearing parachutes they hit the ground at a state fair at 300 miles per hour.

Own it today!