I Don’t Get It: Drive

BRAD: I’m so torn about how I feel about that movie. I don’t think I liked it at all. Seriously what was that movie? And who thinks Ryan Gosling is an action/macho movie star. I’ve seen him in about 4-5 movies and he’s always a cocky prick. He looks like Ricky Schroeder for crissakes. But anyway the ending was so dull. The pre-title sequence was fucking awesome and it was all down-hill from there. The music was at first funny and an interesting choice but then got satirical by the mid-way point. I just wish for a movie called Drive there would be more than two driving sequences.

BRIAN: Yeah, I see what they were trying to do… I thought it would be about a getaway driver, which it sort of was, but only for about 15% of the picture. Why did he get so deeply involved? Why didn’t the mom and son just leave town? How can you have Christina Hendricks in a movie and not have a shower scene?

“Ewww! Let’s cover this girl up!” – Drive people

BRAD: The cast was probably the worst in terms of miscasting. Everyone has been saying how great Albert Brooks was in this film and frankly I don’t agree. He was fine because, yeah sure he didn’t play a second-rate Woody Allen neurotic Jew as he typically does. I thought he was more edgy on the few scenes he did in Weeds a few years back. Seriously he was just basically a toned-down typical Albert Brooks character who stabbed a guy in the eye with a fork. OSCAR!! I’m really getting sick of Ron Perlman. And yes let’s cast Hendricks in this movie for 15 minutes and have her wear 13 layers of clothing.

The violence was awesome, especially the head-stomping scene. It was over-the-top which is awesome for a B-movie but this movie was teetering on the fence between arty and schlocky, which is why I’ll forget about this movie in the near-future.

BRIAN: They should have put Bryan Cranston in the Driver role. Yeah I really don’t see what was so special about Albert Brooks. Any older actor could have pulled that off. Replace him with Robert DeNiro it’s the same shit, probably better. George C. Scott would have been the best. They should have put Bryan Cranston in that role.

Yeah the violence made the movie. Otherwise it’s just some quiet guy driving around and banging someone else’s wife.

BRAD: And why did Gosling have like 5 jobs if he was a criminal? Did the getaway drive gig not pay well? He was a mechanic and was also going to be a stock-car driver. Why did he even risk his freedom being a getaway driver then? And it was cool at first how little and slow he spoke but after 45 minutes it was getting downright socially retarded. It took him literally 10 seconds to answer someone’s question.

BRIAN: It didn’t seem like he really needed the money. I’m sure being a stunt driver pays pretty decently. And they were basically building the stock car in the garage, so it’s not like he needed more money to buy one. So yeah, he really didn’t have any motivation for risking his life to be a getaway driver. I’m still on the fence on whether his jacket was awesome or a little gay.

Cool look, or should it have stayed in the closet?

BRAD: The jacket. Yeah I kept wavering about its coolness or gayness as well throughout the film. And why did the hitman in the elevator wait until they arrived at the garage level to shoot them? If he was going to their floor obviously he was going to kill them in their apartments so when the elevator doors opened and he saw his marks why didn’t he draw then but instead wait until the whole ride down and I would think them embracing and kissing would be an even more opportune time to shoot people.

BRIAN: Because the kissing was better stylistically. I think any jacket with a scorpion on it is pretty sweet by default, but making it shiny silver was a little too third-stall-in-the-men’s-room-at-Studio-54 for me. Also, I was pretty confused as to the exact reason why Bryan Cranston was killed. Like he didn’t know these guys were into shady stuff already?

BRAD: It’s like Albert Brooks said: Bad Luck. I mentioned earlier that at first the retro-like music was great because I thought this movie was going for a mid-’80s style but the songs were just fucking terrible. If they had used real ’80s music I think it would’ve been different anyway, maybe not better but at least different. They don’t have to be the same ‘ol top 40 hits that every retro movie uses but anything other than that stupid “Human Being” song.

BRIAN: Oh well that explains everything. You know what’s bad luck? Ron Perlman’s face. He used to have kind of a cool look, very unique, but now that he’s getting older he looks like somebody tried to make a Mr. Potato Head out of a bratwurst and put it in a microwave. Totally agree about the music. Seemed kind of cool for a bit but then got really grating. They should have just used the Flash Gordon soundtrack re-recorded by a reunited Bauhaus.

“You’re wanted on set, Mr. Perlman.”

BRAD: Perlman was better looking when he wore all the Beast makeup for Beauty & the Beast.
Drive also made me think of something I always forget to research and that’s the legality of driving in those empty LA water ducts or whatever those wide beige trenches with over passes. Can anyone simply drive in those? There’s a ton of films (Grease, Terminator 2, Buckaroo Banzai) that show chases or joy rides in those water ducts and I’m wondering if it is legal. And if it is legal why don’t people drive in there all the time for short cuts. And if it is illegal then how is it so easy to get in there?

BRIAN: The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension, Chinatown, Them!, Blue Thunder, Escape from L.A., Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Last Action Hero, Stand and Deliver, Grease, Volcano, Point Blank, Freaky Friday, Roadblock, Hot Rod Girl, Southland, Blood in Blood Out, Boomtown, This Christmas, Rize, The Core, Repo Man, The Italian Job, One Eight Seven, Point Break, Gone in 60 Seconds, Transformers, 24, Emergency!, The Gumball Rally, To Live and Die in L.A., The First Power, Purple Rain, L.A. Zombie, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Drive, and High School High.

BRAD: Such a unique and underused location for film.

BRIAN: Another thing, what the hell was the point of him wearing that mask? Did he think it was less conspicuous than his real face?

BRAD: OH YEAH! That dumb mask. And I’m pretty sure Ron Perlman still knew who was killing him.There were so many unnecessary stuff in this film to try to make it “stylized” or “memorable” which just don’t work. The mask is one of those times as well as the music and the violence. They made him so mysterious that we never even know his name yet alone his past. I’m assuming he was an ex-con due to the fact that he feels no remorse about stomping some dude’s face a dozen times until it’s broken like a coconut. That goes a tad beyond self-defense. And do you think he was timing his getaway and escape to the Clippers game ending or did he really like basketball and wanted to know the outcome? At first I thought he really liked basketball and he was so good at driving and evading police that he can still concentrate on hearing the game at the same time. But most likely he was trying to time his escape right? I don’t know what was cooler. Another thing that bugged me was when they were waiting for the wife’s ex-con husband in the pawn shop and he’s getting shot and killed Driver gets out of his car for a few moments… to do what exactly? One of his rules is that he never carries a gun. And if that other car that chases them after Driver flees was going to kill them or him why didn’t they kill him when he was more exposed… like when he’s standing outside his car watching someone else get shot. It may have been the late hour I watched this film but I’m still a bit fuzzy on the whole plot with the money and Hendricks. Maybe I just didn’t care either.


BRIAN: Anonymity is pretty pointless when you’re murdering someone where nobody can see.
Yeah there’s no reason to really give a crap about the Driver or anything he does. He just seems like a boring guy who makes some awful decisions.

The whole point of the basketball game thing was so he could time it so they blend in with the crowd as they leave the arena. But maybe, in addition to that, he was also a basketball fan.

Christina Hendricks’ character didn’t seem to have any point at all. Why did she tag along on the robbery? Especially if the point was to kill that guy?

BRAD: I guess he’s lucky there was no traffic from people leaving the game early or that the game didn’t go into overtime. However, that was the best part of the whole movie and it would’ve been so much better if there were more tense and interesting scenes like that.

BRIAN: Great point, what if it went into overtime? He’d be totally screwed. And it seemed like traffic in downtown LA at night was incredibly light. But yeah that’s what I was expecting the entire picture to be like. Then he falls for the slightly attractive neighbor and her obnoxious son. Again, why did he take it upon himself to fix the husband’s problems? It made no sense. If you get the crap beat out of you, and some guys give your kid a bullet, maybe it’s time to call the cops?

BRAD: And I know the game was practically over but how did he get in the garage without paying? And I love how he just leaves the robbers in the backseat to fend for themselves. I’m sure they had a tough time blending in the crowd with the all black outfits and duffel bags filled with cash. Keep the car assholes I’m outta here!

BRIAN: I wondered both those things myself. I’m pretty sure you can’t just wheel into the Staples Center parking garage at 50 mph. And I guess those guys just chilled out in the car until the heat died down then left?

And maybe the worst part of the whole thing: WHY THE F*CK DID HE LEAVE THE BAG OF MONEY AT THE END? He could have at least given it to the mom and kid. So they could leave their rat’s nest apartment. Was it more stylistic to leave it behind?

*SPOILER* Ending of Drive.

BRAD: I wondered that too and leaving it with a dead gangster isn’t going to give the authorities indication that he was killed by other criminals because other criminals wouldn’t have left the cash just sitting there. Plus I’m sure he left Brooks there with the knife that has his DNA all over it when Brooks stabbed him in the gut.

BRIAN: Yes, totally pointless. And his blood would definitely be on the scene, so the cops would be looking for him. So he could have taken the money, the girl and her kid and lived out their days in tropical Mexico. But that wouldn’t have been stylistic enough. Maybe he was thinking that if the money was found with the corpse that the mafia wouldn’t have to go after the mom and son because they didn’t have the money, but chances are when someone discovers that body they’re going to take the giant bag of cash, rendering that whole point moot, and then the mafia would definitely think that the mom has the money. Or the Driver could have taken the money and given it to the mafia so there would be no misunderstandings.

And check this out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Driver

“The film is also notable for its impressive car chases, its no-frills style of filmmaking, and its rarely speaking, unnamed titular character.” Hmmmmmmmm……..

Nothing to see here!

BRAD: Just leaving the money is just so cool looking though. I’m willing to bet $100 that The Driver is a way better movie.

BRIAN: Well Bruce Dern is in it, so it wins by default. But I’ve never liked Ryan O’Neal.

Another thing that got my scrotum in a twist about Drive: The name of the convict husband is Standard. STANDARD??!?!! Seriously, Standard??????????????

BRAD: I’ve only seen 2 movies with O’Neal and he wasn’t the highlight for me in either film. Yeah they even made fun of the fact his name was Standard in the movie. It’s as if they had this terrible joke that only they thought was funny and just had to work it in the movie somehow. A-holes.

I guess we really didn’t care much for the film huh?

BRIAN: Right after it was over I thought, “Eh, pretty good I guess.” But the more I think about it the more it falls apart.

BRAD: I also hate I was right in that it was over-hyped by the movie geek sites. It got a standing ovation at some stupid festival. Why? WHY?!?!?!?!

BRIAN: Everyone thought it was so “original and daring,” even though it’s essentially a ripoff of The Driver with more violence.

BRAD: It had some nice shots which set it apart from other movies of today but I will forget about this movie in a few years guaranteed. But basically it was cinematic masturbation.

BRIAN: There were some good scenes, like the whole beginning, and a lot of it looked nice, but overall it was just a mess.


20 thoughts on “I Don’t Get It: Drive

  1. I Did A “The Driver” Is Superior To “Drive” Blog Post Earlier This Year, Actually hahaha
    We’re Totally On The Same Page With Those One, Gents! hahaha
    I’ll Take Bruce Dern Any Way I Can Get Him, Honestly. Mainly Because You Always Know He’ll Be Edgy And Creepy hehehe
    Nifty Post, Fo SHO!


  2. GOD BLESS YOU FOR WRITING THIS!! I just did a Face Off thing over at Head in a Vice and I was part of the “we hate Drive” team, lol and we were definitely in the minority! EXCELLENT post!!!


  3. “he looks like somebody tried to make a Mr. Potato Head out of a bratwurst and put it in a microwave”
    this is both the funniest thing I’ve ever read on the internet and surely the meanest thing that’s ever been said about Ron Perlman. That poor Mr. Potato-Bratwurst Headed bastard…


  4. I’m hugely obsessed with Sons of Anarchy right now, and every time I see Perlman I think about how grateful he must be for costume makeup. Without it he’d probably be doing a surly as hell job managing an Arby’s somewhere.
    And I just hope that all of my lavish praises don’t make you lazy. The next funniest comment is out there, waiting for you to dream it up.


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