Doing this site on WordPress is great. We love the usability of everything and we’ve connected to some great people who also use WordPress. Like any good blog writer who is desperate for views and acceptance, I check the stats a couple times a day. What I love the most about the stats page is the ability to see the search engine terms people use to find stuff on the site, which never cease to make me laugh. Our number one search term ever is “pesci casino vise” which for some reason happened all in one day and set our record for highest number of hits in a day, making it some kind of weird aberration that I’ll never understand. That one aside, our top actual search term is, oddly enough, “susan backlinie” who was briefly mentioned in a Day of the Animals review.

However, our real number one search term is a term with many variations, and that term is “ass massage.” We made an offhand remark about an ass massage scene in our “What Were We Thinking?” review of The Sword and the Sorcerer, but apparently it has become the top landing page for the ass massage needs of the entire World Wide Web. It’s gotten so out of control that we’re thinking of either making an ass massage reference in every article from now on or just changing the name of the site to Ass Massage Lover’s Forum. Here are some of the very funny and slightly disturbing variations of the search term “ass massage”:

• oil ass massage
• massage ass
• massage bare ass
• assmassage
• hot massage ass

and, my personal favorite search term ever:

• how can you give yourself the best anus massage

To those who searched for those terms, thank you for visiting, and I hope you found what you were looking for.

Here’s what all the ass-massaging fuss is about.

I also have to mention the overwhelming volume of searches we’ve gotten for some variation of the term “Sam Elliott biker mustache” which leads to one of our early “You Dumb Kid” posts called The Legend of the Moustache Riders (and could also lead to a mustache-less Sam Elliott in our review of Frogs). Here are some of those award-winning search terms:

• sam elliott mustache rides
• movie mask gar mustache
• biker mustache
• mustache rides
• mask gar mustache ride
• gar mustache rides
• mask mustache riders gang
• sam elliott as gar mustache rides shirt
• biker mustaches
• sam elliot mustache mask images
• mustache ride shirt sam elliot
• sam elliott on a motorcycle
• picture of sam elliott in the moustache ride t-shirt in mask
• sam elliott moustache rides
• sam elliott moustache rides t-shirt
• moustache riders
• sam elliott moustache
• birthday moustache
• moustache rides sam elliott
• picture of sam elliott in the moustache ride t-shirt in mask
• gay bikers with mustashes videos

and the search term that would make one of the best movie titles of all time:

• hard moustache

Sam Elliott is Jack Mustache in “Hard Mustache”!

And some of my other random favorites:

• “teens fornicating”
• horror scalpings
• goat and’ tuna baby your cat
• the.kidnaping.of.hulk.hogan
• how to get pleasure from when leaning on the washer during the spin cycle
• unitards
• people who wear white sacks on their head
• rudolph movie where hermie castrates the abominable snowman
• barboobs

So what are some hilarious or weird searches that you’ve gotten? Are you inundated with ass massages by bikers with hard mustaches in unitards too? Do you wish you were? Let us know!