Schlocktoberfest XIII – Day 9: Satan’s Blade

Satan’s Blade (1984)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: A kick ass poster wasted on a shit movie. The recurring tale of the old eighties video store.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

With SFX like this red tint over the opening shot – I think we’re in for a masterpiece here.
Great opening theme, very 80’s synth and it sounds exactly like a Stranger Things piece.
Did they forget to foley that bank teller or is she deaf?
In one of the dumbest bank robberies ever put to film, the two bank tellers give us fair warning as to how bad the acting is gonna be in this. Their death by gunshots is an absolute ballet of shit acting.
I guess the bank robbers are going to hide out in the mountains. The editing looks like it’s gonna be as bad as the acting.
The bank robbers were two girls! Holy EOE Batman!
First topless scene at only 8:45 in – this director must know the formula.
Scary shadow of a scary stalker outside. Oh shit.
Damn, Ruth is cold-blooded. She shoots her topless accomplice three times in the bathroom, while planning to kill her other accomplice once he arrives.
In true coming of uppence, Ruth is stabbed in the back with what I’m guessing to be Satan’s Blade while trying to drag her partner’s body to the lake.
This one cop is wearing the exact same white shoes Eddie gave Clark in the first National Lampoon’s Vacation. Must have been all the rage in those crazy early 80’s.
The girls are stacked on the stairs and there’s a strange symbol painted on the wall with blood. Isn’t that always the way.
Swell, here come two more cars full of shitty actors.
These two douchebag cops need to have that shitty circus music that accompanied the two douchebag cops from Halloween 5.
Introducing all 9 future victims at once? What is this “And Then There Were None?”
Holy fuck is this acting terrible no matter who the camera cuts to.
So it turns out we have two couples celebrating a passing of the bar, and five college girls who just wanted to be murdered in a cabin.
The director apparently has no concern for the price of film ‘cause he just lets those takes reeeeaaaaalllllyyyy stretch.
Research shows that his was filmed entirely in California, even though this slasher absolutely screams Canadian tax shelter.
The sound editing gets a sympathy “D.” Christ every VO sounded like it was recorded in a different country.
One word keeps running through my mind watching this acting: chemistry.
Then the next four are: Why isn’t there any?
The innkeepers didn’t even bother getting the blood stain out of the wall, or even painting over it. Well, Yelp is certainly gonna get an earful from me boy howdy!
This is beginning to look like a Don Dohler film, except without the charm. I don’t mean that sarcastically either – our one reader knows my thoughts on the Baltimore legend.
This Paul Snider looking motherfucker thinks every shitty joke or pun he makes is gold. He even does that annoying elbow nudge as if to say, “Am I right?”
Was that bad aging makeup on a young actor, or Belker from Hill Street Blues after being melted on a grill?
Wow, these guys had to wait for their wives to go to bed to bring out the bottle of Jack Daniels. Their toxic masculinity is staggering.
These college girls make the ones in the House on Sorority Row look like Oscar contenders. Holy shit, how can you fuck up a yawn?
It’s a good thing that this scene with the two guys drunk isn’t homoerotic at all.
Can these people all get killed now please?
The drunker these two guys get, the worse the acting gets.
One of the college girls has a very specific nightmare about everyone in the cabin being murdered by a guy who looks like an amalgam of Gene Simmons, Michael Ironside, Lou Ferrigno, and Anthony James.
These college girls freak out that bad when the two drunk assholes try to scare them with a gorilla mask and an Amish quilt? None of them are final girl material.
An awkward evening leads to a hung over awkward morning with this couple. Bogey and Bacall they are not.
This guy Tony doesn’t really grasp the concept of fishing.
Tony banishes Stephanie to the Friend-Zone after rejecting her advances. It’s sluts like him that give us all a bad name.
This is another one of those slashers where you are almost outright cheering for the characters to all get violently murdered.
Well Stephanie, the reason Master Fisherman Tony hasn’t caught anything is because he is not using any fucking bait. He’s just throwing a bobber in the water and hoping for the best like an f-tard.
All three Lord of the Rings movies combined didn’t have as much walking as this scene with Stephanie going through the woods.
I can see why Tony won’t stray, his wishy-washy wife must really turn him on with her limp dialogue.
Tony and his wife start screwing and Stephanie is still out walking in the woods. Where is Cygnus the God of Balance when he’s needed?
“Fuck me dead, I don’t think I’ll walk for days.” I have just met the mother of my children.
Is Stephanie trying to commit suicide by hypothermia? Go the fuck back to the cabin already you silly bitch.
In complete honesty, I love this soundtrack synth score and wish I could buy it. That is all.
Why is the killer barefoot? Is Tarantino directing this scene?
The killer walks into the girls’ cabin and Richard Speck’s the fuck out of them. Almost half the cast gone in 2 1/2 minutes.
It’s a good thing Stephanie took so long walking in the woods or she’d have been killed too, and the droids would now be in the hands of the Empire
Tony is no Laurie Strode, she handled discovering the dead bodies of her friends infinitely better.
The Paul Snider looking motherfucker and his wife try to get help, but are killed in the woods.
Mother of all that is fuck, the wife crawled the entire fucking forest with Satan’s Blade in her back to pad the run time of this movie.
It’s down to Tony, his wife, and Stephanie.
Tony build fire. Tony man now.
The director really tried to get artsy and failed by filming Tony and the killer’s melee against the dimpled light from the fireplace all in shadow.
Tony and his wife are killed and we have our final girl. Congrats Steph, now just stay hidden under the bed and you should be fine.
Oh yeah, the stolen money the two bank robber women is now being stolen by the killer. I forgot about those two.
That stupid “Satanic” symbol is painted on the wall again, a killer hasn’t been this obsessed with a place since the Myers’ house.
It was Sheriff Ben, Douchebag cop #2 all along.
Is it demonic possession or just plain greed motivating you Ben? Pick one.
It’s possession, Ben’s voice is being processed through a flange and an echoplex – so, you know.
Damn Sam! Ben stabs Stephanie in the stomach, she makes it back to the cabin only to have Ben catch up to her and hack her to bits. Some final girl!
Ben throws the Satanic blade into the river somewhat ceremoniously and walks away. Yep, that’s it for him.
This scene with Ben and the other cop is so bad – the audio is incorrect and not synced properly, the dialogue is beyond moronic, and the acting…well it’s just not up to par.
With some dry ice in the river, an arm comes outta the water and throws the Satan’s Blade into a tree. Whose arm? No clues to be had in this insult to Arthurian legend.
Some hiker pulls the blade out of the tree and before we can say it, a title card reading, “The Legend Continues!” promises us a sequel that thankfully never came to be.

Final Thoughts: I once read a description of this movie saying something along the lines that if Halloween (1978) never existed; this would be the movie that would occupy its presence in the universe. The one we would all be die-hard fans of. I’m paraphrasing my ass off here, and am surely remembering the quote with far more romanticism – but nevertheless, the quote is still an insult. This flick couldn’t carry Halloween 78’s jock. It is however an alternate reality I would gladly choose over the one that’s coming when the tangerine anus gets re-elected.

Score: 2 Women Tearing Down The Gender Barriers Of Grand Theft (out of 10)

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