Friday the 13th – No Man’s Land

Full Movie: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Camp Crystal Lake is terrorized by Hockey-masked killer Jason Voorhees. Again.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Yeah, we know you don’t own the rights and that you made zero money from this infringement on an existing IP. No shit.
• Lake. Check.
• Ominous Manfredini music. Check.
• We are now introduced to some lady that the subtitles said was a victim of an unidentified assailant. She’s being interviewed in an asylum by no-one.
• Wait, is she British? Sounds like an accent to me.
• 1982? Must’ve missed the British chick messing around Camp Crystal Lake in F13 Part 3.
• More Brits?! This is a British Friday the 13th flick? Hmm. It will still be better than Funnyman.
• And just like Funnyman, I can’t think up any good jokes or puns regarding the fact that the Brits made a Friday the 13th fan made flick. 
• I’m just not sure if these are Brits vacationing or camping in New Jersey or if this is a whole new Jason set in the UK. Hell, I’m not even sure if the girl in the tent is supposed to be the girl in the mental ward. The subtitles only said it was Thursday the 12th. No year.
• Taking a piss alone in the woods. Instant death!
• Kill Count: 1
• By the way the guy, Chris, died off screen like any great Friday the 13th film. Gotta leave the fear to the imagination was Sean Cunningham’s motto.
• Girl alone in a tent. Instant Death!
• Kill Count: 2
• At least her death was more akin to a normal albeit lame F13 flick.
• Ha, both this and To Hell & Back used the same opening music from Part 7.

• There’s an actor by the name of Mark Bytheway. That’s literally the best professional surname I ever heard since Cumberbatch.
• British license plate. Yup this is set in the UK. Jason is a worldwide phenomenon!
• This bloke is American! It’s an international cast!
• Lance?! STARGROVE!!
• Annoying teens/20-somethings. Check!
• I think I can count on one hand the number of F13 teens from any of the flicks I would be happy to hang out with for more than 2 hours.
• I’d say its wrong of me taking notes without really paying close attention to what these kids have to say but let’s face it, it barely matters in the Paramount/New Line F13 flicks, so there’s no way these fan-made flicks have anything remotely important to say.
• So on the one hand I’m going into this year’s Schlocktoberfest with maybe the easiest note-taking task but with possibly the worst crop of movies I could possibly review. Cue Crazy Ralph!

• These older folks who apparently picked up the kids as hitchhikers are most definitely swingers.
• And why are these kids hitchhiking anyway?
• This American that I mentioned earlier now has a very thick southern hillbilly accent. He didn’t have that before.
• Is that “He’s Back (The Man Behind the Mask)” playing faintly in the background? You bet your sweet bippy it is!
• This is only my second of 10 or so F13 fan-made flicks and so far I can most definitely invent a drinking game based on the many similarities. Problem is I wouldn’t survive the night.
• Who’s this dude in the day-go vest wandering around the woods? Anyway, he’s a goner.
• Why did Jason have the Hockey mask off? Was he in a contemplative state like Darth Vader’s chamber?
• Kill Count: 3 (Broken neck? C’mon!)
• Wait. Is the husband to the older British lady (Barb) the same American guy with the fake southern accent or do they just look the same? I ask knowing it doesn’t mean fuck-all.
• OK, they are two very similar looking dudes.
• Girl walking by herself to find a spot to squat. Instant Death!
• Hold up, not yet because it’s a Crazy Ralph type doomsayer character creeping on her taking a dump. He’s also inexplicably American & warning the group about the legend of Jason.

• The kids are only vaguely aware of the legend. “The hockey mask guy!”
• They just mentioned Jason’s short vacay to Manhattan.
• So this is supposed to be set in the US since one of them mentioned it. Good to know.
• I guess this akin to American’s being obsessed with Jack the Ripper and making White Chapel a tourist destination. The Brits come to Crystal Lake, New Jersey.
• This is a lot of exposition for a 52-minute movie.
• Actual F13 footage while this bloke tells the legend of Jason. I wouldn’t worry about Jason, you better watch your back from Paramount’s legal team.
• There’s 20+ minutes left and about 8 more people. This is going to be another quick kill rampage like To Hell and Back ain’t it?
• Crazy Ralph (pronounced “Rayff”) is no more. Kill Count: 4
• Husband guy complaining that they have to leave because of Jason meets the ugly end of a large rock courtesy of Jason. 
• Kill Count: 5
• One bloke is telling another bloke that he has a gift for him but the timing isn’t right. It’s giving the impression that it’s a gay thing but it’s probably something that will help defeat Jason later on. *This never gets brought up again. And if I did happen to miss it, it really meant nothing to the plot.

You got a little something on your face there. No the other side.

• Girl walks into the dark woods to listen to music. Instant Death!
• Kill Count: 6 (Rammed her head into a tree. Zzz Zzz)
• Random guy randomly looks for the last victim alone. You know that’s an instant death.
• Kill Count: 7 (Jason ripped out his liver, kinda decent FX)
• “You’ll be sipping your favourite Starbucks tomorrow.”
• Jason saves us all some time and just goes to where the remaining people are at the camp site. Good move since we’re less than 15 minutes to go.
• They all scatter though and now Jason has to chase each one individually now. Where’s the common courtesy these days?!
• The older Brit lady is now telling Jason that she was a friend of his mom. Not sure if she’s lying to save herself and trick Jason or if this is actually true. Kinda funny either way. 
• “I’m gonna go now. So there’s no need to hurt me. And there’s no need to hurt those kids neither.” Solid argument.
• More classic footage and VO from the original F13.
• He just killed that lady by shoving a branch into her guts.
• Kill Count: 8
• Hahahaha, these 3 imbeciles are arguing about splitting up while Jason is a mere few yards away just waiting.

• Yes, try to hide in that large blue sleeping bag numb-nuts.
• Recreation of the sleeping bag death from Part 7 imminent?
• Nope, Jason just stomps his boot into the guy’s face.
• Kill Count: 9
• Jason just magically shows up to where the other 2 are running and dispatches the female. Kill Count: 10
• The lone dude somehow plunged a large stick into Jason’s heart and unbelievably impaled him into a tree.

Sharp branch!

• Obviously coming jump scare arrives fast.
• But final dude stabs Jason in the neck a few times with something until Jason again goes limp against the tree.
• Final dude rests on the ground for a few moments to catch his breath and then remembers that his girlfriend was killed a few minutes ago and tries to revive her with words before giving up.
• Why is this called No Man’s Land?
• Oh yeah, the mental ward chick. What does this have to do with her again?
• The movie’s subtitles just told us that the mental ward patient’s name is Ginny Field. As in Amy Steel’s character from Part 2. Last I watched Part 2, Ginny didn’t have a British accent but thanks all the same.
• Who didn’t see the final dude get attacked one last time by Jason? Kill Count: 11

Kill Count: 11

T&A Count: 0

Best Kill: Guy getting his guts torn out

Final Thoughts: This one is as mediocre as mediocre can be. Hell, Friday the 13th Part VII: A New Blood is mediocre so you can only imagine how dull and unimaginative this fan-made flick is. It’s basically, people go into woods, Jason’s in the woods, Jason attacks people, Jason kills 97% of the people before one last person manages to stop Jason. No good dialogue, no good FX, kills and gore not worth remembering, yada yada yada. I wouldn’t waste your time on this one folks.

Score: 2 Old Friends of Pamela Voorhees (out of 10)

Crazy Ralph’s Opinion: