Zombie Death House (1987 or possibly 1988 or maybe also just Death House or even Zombie Death Squad)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: John Saxon tests some kind of super soldier serum on prisoners that turns them into zombies and it really doesn’t have anything to do with a pandemic but I’ve come this far.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• A blonde grabs her rich older boyfriend’s dick and he says, “Hurry up baby there’s more.” More what, more dick? Where?
  
• A Vietnam flashback. This movie Zombie Death House is really going to say something about the war, man!
  
• There has been like a year’s passage of time before the credits start. 
• So far I’m hoping this was John Saxon’s only directing gig. 
• It’s a fucking setup!!
• Unnecessary car explosions are like my favorite thing. 
• I really have no idea what’s happening so far. This guy Derek is a driver for a mobster named Moretti and he was in ‘Nam and he stopped a jewel heist for some reason?
• This movie is more all over the place than angel dust thrown in a helicopter blade.
  
• Moretti drowned the blonde and set up Derek to make it look like he killed her. He made his goons take her back to Derek’s motel room. He should’ve had them smear shit and semen all over the walls to make him seem really crazy. 
• Derek is sentenced to what I assume is the zombie death house. But it could just be one of those nice white collar places where you mostly play tennis and paint all day.
  
• Hey look it’s John Saxon starring in this John Saxon movie!!
• Saxon must’ve read a book about filmmaking and the part about transitions between scenes had rectal blood all over it. 
• Moretti’s brother is in the death house wearing a crop top. He’s the same guy who played Drago’s handler in Rocky IV. That’s the only interesting thing that has happened.
  

The fact that he has Dolph Lundgren beefcake poster on the wall makes me happy for about 2.7 seconds during this dreck.

• A stereotype Jamaican guy tells Derek about a voluntary experiment in the prison where you have to swallow some thick salty liquid to get special privileges like pussy. So maybe finally we’re finally ramping up to some semblance of a horror movie?
• They just injected Randy West with the semen serum. 
• Randy West got super strength then cut to him in a straitjacket. How many regular strong men does it take to hold down a super strength strong man?
  
• They say this injection is worse than the bubonic plague, so at least it’s got the virus thing going for it, even though it’s not horror at all. 
• I think the prison priest got the plague and he dripped nose blood into the communion wine?
• The priest must have fucked Randy West to get the virus. 
• The evil guard rapes the prison twink, who has the plague, but catching the plague from this twink is probably the least of his concerns. 
• So the Jamaican stereotype goes to the chair but uses his plague strength to bust out of the chair and kill some guards. Then Derek gets freed and he releases everyone else. I imagine the next 30 minutes is just going to be random chaos. 

“Hey mon, we be bleedin’!”

• The Jamaican rips the evil guard’s head off. Then the army shoots him dead. That’s all it takes?
• There’s really nothing to write about here. And I am very tired, and in the middle of moving to a new house, and I just don’t want to.
  
• There’s a blonde scientist woman who is also a reporter or something?
• I think they just figured out that pussy is the cure for the virus. Well of course. 
• I’m sorry but really nothing interesting of note has been happening whatsoever. Consider the extreme brevity of this review as my parting gift to you.
  
• Derek escapes with one of the blondes and the dead warden’s two kids and John Saxon blows up the prison and himself. 

“Please do not mention this film in my obituary.”

Was it Entertaining:

Any Good Gore: I think I recall some eyeball gouging and limbs being ripped off, but that could have just been at my house.

Any Nudity: Some boobies from the blonde woman who played three different parts.

Best Quote Trivia: According to John Saxon, he enthusiastically offered to direct the film if he agreed to also star in it after the initially hired director withdrew from the project at the last minute. Unfortunately, the producers imposed more car chases and gore than the script asked for and Saxon later admitted he did not really get the chance to make the film according to his own vision.

HAHAHAHA!!!

Best Scene: “Chemical Warfare” by Dead Kennedys plays over the end credits and it’s by far the best part of the whole movie.

Worst Part: John Saxon’s real life death just months ago. RIP.

How Pandemicky Was It?: Like four dudes get it. I don’t know why I even watched this for Pandemic Week. It was listed under pandemic movies somewhere and I wanted to pay tribute to the late John Saxon, which I clearly accomplished beautifully.

Final Thoughts: I can’t be bothered with this one. It’s so dull it makes doing actual prison time seem like a nonstop party rager. There’s a reason John Saxon never directed again, and also a reason none of these actors acted again and I’ll never write another Schlocktoberfest post again.

Score: 1.25 Randy West Semen Serum Injections (out of 10)