The Keep (1983)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: When Nazis occupy a small Romanian village and its citadel (or keep) to fortify a mountain pass, they get more than they bargained for when an ancient golem is awakened within the keep. While the Germans enlist the aid of a Jewish historian and his daughter to stop the golem, another supernatural warrior arrives to also fight the evil entity.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• This should be awesome considering its directed by Michael Mann and has a soundtrack composed by Tangerine Dream. What could possibly go wrong?
• Omigawd this is so slooooow. Just spent 4 minutes watching an incredibly slow truck drive through a mountain town as villagers looked on.
• Wait a minute…are the Nazis the main characters? That can’t be right. Has there ever been a movie not about high ranking Nazi officials like Goebbels, Himmler or Hitler that had Nazis as the protagonists?
• The foreman in this Keep talks like a drunk Optimus Prime.
• Man, I wish all 80s movies were scored by Tangerine Dream. Mind you, the music doesn’t fit for a film set in 1941 featuring Nazis but its a good score nonetheless. Man, I should’ve watched Legend.
• I’m a tad confused. Two greedy nazi officers looking for silver open up a hatch in the keep and somehow opened up a portal or doorway letting out some light and heavy wind. Then it cuts to Scott Glenn waking up in bed in some room with a lot of light in his eyes. He gets up, packs something and gets on a boat to go to the Keep.
• Weird. Ian McKellen, who famously plays Magneto is again in a concentration camp. I have never seen Ian McKellen young looking. This is probably the earliest movie he’s starred in and he looks just as he did in the recent X-Men movies. And after seeing and hearing him in this film he’s playing even older than he is in 2013! His old wizened voice is very distracting.
• Ian McKellen and his daughter have been in the Keep for less than an hour and she’s already getting raped?! But she’s saved by the same ghost effect as the Ark of the Covenant ghost in Raiders (Nazis’ eyes glow and then explodes) Then a dark cloud carries the girl, Ava back to Ian McKellen and has a chat with him. The cloud asks Ian to be his ally, Ian refuses and the cloud kills him.
• Or not. He actually made him younger. So there ya go, now I’ve seen a young Ian McKellen. And its weird. There’s something off about him. Stranger still, the Nazis don’t even notice he’s younger now.
• Ava meets Scott Glenn’s character and within 3 minutes they’re already screwing. Glenn has some powerful magic!!
• The entity of the Keep is slowly over time manifesting into an anthropomorphic being. He’s now a skinless Incredible Hulk-like being with red glowing eyes and mouth. It’s somewhat ridiculous and poorly executed for 1983.
• For some unknown reason Ian McKellen is still using his wheelchair even though the entity de-aged him and cured him. The Nazis are fully aware of the fantastic and mystical going-ons of the Keep so him now being able to walk shouldn’t surprise them.
• Oh so NOW Gabriel Byrne finally notices that Ian is younger?!
• There’s less than a half hour left and nothing much as happened in this movie. Literally nothing has happened to further the plot yet.
• I totally forgot to ask why are the Nazis in this Keep anyway? Why are they here exactly?
• It’s hard not to root for the entity or Golem of the Keep when he’s only killing Nazis. Are we supposed to root for him? What is his motivation or objective? Is he planning on killing a huge amount of other non-Nazi people once he leaves the keep?
• The talisman that Ian found looks so fucking cheap and like modern plastic. It looks like a small flashlight with a piece of model plastic glued to it.
• Ian seems surprised that the huge black hulking red glowing eyes monster deceived and lied to him.
• Scott Glenn is shooting lasers at the golem with a stick with that talisman on it. The effects and sound are just like the lightning sounds in Time Bandits, which is a comedy so they are exaggeratedly silly.  Here they sound and look cheap and amateurish.
• Wait that’s it? Well, I just wasted an hour and 35 minutes.

Is It Actually Scary: This is more of a science-fiction/action adventure movie more than thriller. The Golem is not remotely scary.

Now you can’t tell me Mark McGwire didn’t take any enhancements!

How Much Gore: There’s more blood in Steel Magnolias than this movie.

Best Scene: I’d hate to admit it but since this movie is so dull, the sex scene is the best scene. But not in a lewd way. Its because of the music. Any sex scene scored by Tangerine Dream is just great (see: Risky Business) even without the gratuitous nudity. The scene is totally out of place, context and does nothing to really further the plot but because its a montage with Tangerine Dream its worth a watch.

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!

Worst Scene: The whole movie is a task to sit through. Its just a mess and there’s really nothing to take from it (save for the score). The final confrontation/fight between Scott Glenn and the Golem of the Keep could’ve been well done or at least interesting but it had zero weight of tenseness or emotion. We know virtually nothing of Scott Glenn’s character to root for him and he’s basically invincible to the Golem. He comes in with his Power-rod and shoots the Golem a few times and thats it. Its as exciting as watching someone step on a cockroach.

This is my BOOM STICK!!

Any Nudity: The sex scene surprisingly doesn’t feature any T&A but strangely enough when the camera pans right we see a glimpse of the lady’s pubic hair for a few seconds.

Overall: I love Michael Mann flicks. I even enjoyed his Miami Vice with Colin Farrell. However, I suppose he’s allowed to make a few duds for every great movie and The Keep is definitely a major dud. I really struggled through it and was hoping it would be a great thriller but there’s nothing interesting about this movie at all. The cast of Gabriel Byrne, Ian McKellen & Jürgen Prochnow usually do a bang-up job but even they were terrible in this. Our hero, Scott Glenn’s mystical stranger comes out of nowhere with virtually zero background and gets the girl and saves the day and I couldn’t care less. The movie also has Nazi’s as the main characters who need help battling a monster in a stronghold that they commandeered from a hapless village and again, who are we supposed to root for? Do yourself a favor and avoid this one completely.

The ultimate male vs. the ultimate meatball!

Score: 2 Talismans made out of plastic (out of 10)