Schlocktoberfest II – Day 4: Dreamaniac

Dreamaniac (1986)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: We all make mistakes. When scouring Netflix Instant for Schlocktoberfest movies to watch and review, I’m suckered in by odd titles, words like “heavy metal,” short run times and the year 1986. The description for Dreamaniac is “A heavy-metal musician makes a deal with a satanic succubus to make him successful with women, in return for the succubus being able to feed on the girls.” Sounded pretty good to me. But as I would soon find out, Dreamaniac had very little to do with any of that. Even the VHS cover totally misrepresents the movie by making it seem like it’s about some crazy bald chick killing people in their dreams, even going so far as to reference A Nightmare on Elm Street. It is NOTHING like A Nightmare on Elm Street. But it’s hilarious that they put a graphic that says, “TOO GORY FOR THE SILVER SCREEN.” Because “TOO AWFUL AND STUPID FOR THE SILVER SCREEN” would have been a bad marketing move.

The opening credits are a cross between heavy metal, synth pop and going to the dentist. We start with a guy (Adam) walking out of a foggy room in a house butt naked, so we’re off to a bad start. He finds a broad in the bathtub covered in blood and he couldn’t be happier about it. They make out and she scratches the hell out of his back, but it’s all a dream, and it’s pretty much the only dream in Dreamaniac.

Adam’s real girlfriend (Pat) comes over and bangs him, and 7 minutes in and we’ve seen this dude’s ass twice. You sort of see one of Pat’s legs. Horrific love scene. Apparently Adam is renting the house from Pat’s sister, Jodi, I think?

Let’s check my notes: “Oh my god this is going to be the slowest 82 minutes of my life.”

There’s an extremely long scene where Adam is all alone watching Godzilla while composing nothing on a guitar. He’s bored and frustrated, so naturally it’s time for some witchcraft. As near as I can figure it (and from looking it up on the internet) Adam conjures a succubus (the dream girl from before) to help him write better metal lyrics and have better luck with girls………… even though he already has an attractive girlfriend.

After the ritual, he hears jaguar noises for some reason. He goes in the attic and there’s the dream girl (for some reason named Lily, but we’ll call her Dreamaniac) in a bloody wedding dress, holding a random severed head. This jolts me because it’s eerily similar to my wedding.

“Did you request some head?”

Suddenly she’s downstairs and dressed like Tangerine from The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. Still not clear why he conjured her. She’s uglier than his actual girlfriend. She brings his realm of pleasure full circle by… uh… biting his wiener off? There’s no indication whether this is a dream or not.

There’s a big sorority party being planned at this house (which is the only location used in the movie, by the way) so Jodi can pledge. As I pointed out very recently, this is a huge mistake. But Jodi goes the extra mile down Cool Street by hanging up streamers, like the guests are 6 years old instead of 20.

In the search for more streamers, Pat finds a dead cat in the attic, which must have been the source of the jaguar sounds we heard earlier, but we have no clue where this cat came from or who killed it. I guess Dreamaniac? Where did the severed head go? Why are there no metal songs on the soundtrack? Oh right, money.

So our honored guests arrive: cliched sorority girls and dorky fraternity guys. Why are the heads of sororities always flaming bitches? One of them asks Jodi if she can use the phone, but Jodi, in setting up why they can’t just call the police later when all hell breaks loose, explains that there’s no phone in this house. Why??

Voted ‘Gnarliest Party of the Year’ by Spaz Magazine.

A guy named Ace comes to the party with a hitchhiker, who happens to be Dreamaniac. Makes no sense. Wasn’t she just in the house? I think she’s wearing an unused costume from Clue.

With the arrival of Dreamaniac there are like 10 people at this totally tubular party. The party is already dead, but soon we finally get our first kill, not including the cat and maybe Adam’s wiener, when Dreamaniac stabs a random sorority girl nobody ever loved.

Let’s check my notes: “Yet another dude’s ass.” “Unless this whole movie is a dream, this movie has practically nothing to do with dreams.” “Not as good as the original Maniac.”

Jodi’s boyfriend is surprised to be caught having sex with his ex, the head sorority bitch, in Jodi’s house. This really has nothing to do with anything since we don’t care about any of these idiots.

Dreamaniac seduces the guy who I think is Ace by tying him up with an extension cord. It’s possibly the least-sexy thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a hippopotamus puke on a rotting crocodile carcass. Ace gets electrocuted somehow and the camera angle is of the very clear outline of his package through his tighty whiteys. I refuse to do a screengrab of this. I have no doubt the director of Dreamaniac was arrested for something at some point.

The movie then drags out with about 10 minutes of making out scenes.There seems to be more male nudity than female in this. Dreamaniac keeps the party moving when she kills a dude who’s drinking punch straight out of the bowl (the most disgusting thing in the movie) by stabbing him in the back of the neck. Then she stabs a girl with a fireplace poker. Dreamaniac really has to use some mundane killing tools even though she’s supposed to be a demon.

Talk about spiking the punch…

Dreamaniac then goes back to her wheelhouse by biting Jodi’s boyfriend’s wiener off, and Adam watches and is really into it for some reason. Pat watches Adam watching this and enjoying it and decides Adam is nuts and she’s going to split. Then, for no real reason, the head sorority bitch tries to make it with Adam. He cuts her throat. That should shut her up.

Soon, the people Dreamaniac killed are coming back as zombies somehow. I’ve stopped caring.

Why can’t they just leave?

Dreamaniac says she’s given Adam a great gift, which is supposed to be the gift of writing middling metal lyrics at the cost of several lives. This must be based on the true story of Great White.

Dreamaniac then strangles one of the other party guys in his car. IN HIS CAR, meaning everyone can totally just go outside and leave. What’s Dreamaniac’s end game here? Did she just materialize out of nothing to kill these random college kids for no reason?

Let’s check my notes: “Every time I look at how much time is left I’m horrified.” “I did not know zombies could be suffocated with pillows.”

Adam just kind of hangs out with Jodi for a while, even though he’s supposed to be killing her, for some reason. I guess he has a change of heart, and he unnecessarily cuts himself across the chest instead of killing Jodi. The sisters still aren’t leaving the house, because they feel that they have to get rid of Dreamaniac. Pat remembers that earlier one of the nerds said you kill demons by chopping their heads off or driving a stake through their heart, possibly reading an early draft of Twilight instead of the Necronomicon. The sisters do some black magick, while Adam runs around spitting up blood for some reason.

Adam has a reverse change of heart and tries to kill the sisters again. There’s about 142 minutes of walking around the house, interrupted by Pat drilling a hole through Adam’s hand with the biggest drill in the county. Then there’s some more slow stalking, then Pat DRILLS ADAM’S F-ING HEAD OFF. AWESOME.

This is why I’m afraid to go to the dentist.

Well I’m glad that’s over. But wait, Dreamaniac is still in the house! How are the girls gonna get out of this one?? Naturally, a doctor guy walks in and takes Dreamaniac away, making her say she’s sorry and explaining to the girls that she only gets out every once in a while. He doesn’t notice all the blood. What’s happening here?

Twist. Turns out Adam is an author and this has all been a book he’s writing? Who the hell would read this garbage? Fortunately, as he’s talking to his publisher on the phone he opens a door and Dreamaniac jumps out and kills him with a knife, splattering blood all over his crappy novel, “Succubus.” And thus ends the worst metal video of all time.

Yes, this does suck.

Is It Actually Scary: I suppose if you’re claustrophobic the one-house setting may be unsettling. But other than that, no.

Scariest Moment: The very last scene where Dreamaniac lunges through the doorway and stabs Adam is a decent jump scare, and for some reason it’s the only one in the movie. But you should probably see it coming. Especially if you’re reading this first.

How Much Gore: Major. All of Dreamaniac’s killings/penis bitings are extra bloody, but the scene where Pat drills Adam’s head off is excellently gory. I’m pretty sure they blew half their $60,000 budget on that scene.

Dumbest Moment: Pat kills the head sorority bitch zombie by suffocating it with a pillow, even though she was already dead by a sliced throat. It makes less sense than the zombies in The Video Dead not being able to open the door of the basement even though they would have had to been able to open doors for anything in the movie to happen.

Best Line: Pat: “Why you’d want to join a sorority is anybody’s guess.” Jodi: “Same reason you have a taco tattooed on your ass.”

Any Nudity: A very quick look at Dreamaniac topless, then about 47 different shots of male buttocks.

Overall: I guess the director did the best he could with such a low budget and brain cell count. But just because you’re using a low-limit Discover Card to finance your movie doesn’t mean the movie shouldn’t make sense. There’s the basic structure of a plot here but it’s like having the basic idea for a sweater then throwing a bunch of mismatched yarn at a dirty mannequin. Maybe the director dreamed about making a better movie.

Score: 2.5 Dreamaniacs (out of 10)

10 thoughts on “Schlocktoberfest II – Day 4: Dreamaniac

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