Schlocktoberfest XV: Passports of Pain

Let‘s traverse the globe again!

In order from best to worst score:

Deep Red (9)
Don’t Torture a Duckling (8)
Strip Nude For Your Killer (7.5)
Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum (7.5)
Godzilla: Final Wars (7.5)
Tokyo Gore Police (7.25)
Blood and Black Lace (7)
Beast Must Die, The (7)
And Then There Were None (7)
Rogue (6.75)
When Evil Lurks (6.75)
Red Queen Kills Seven Times, The (6.5)
Space Amoeba (6)
Murder By Phone (5.5)
At Midnight I’ll Take Your Soul (5)
Grabbers (5)
Dog Soldiers (5)
Mahakaal (5)
Comeback, The (5)
House Of The Long Shadows (4.5)
Horror Hospital (4)
Rats: Night of Terror (4)
Prey (4)
Slugs (3.5)
Medusa (3)
Litan (3)
Cat And The Canary, The (3)
Cemetery of Terror (3)
Killer Condom (2)
Mystics in Bali (1.5)
Nekromantik (0)

Brad’s Thoughts

One of my favorite things on this lousy planet is traveling and visiting other countries. Taking in the culture, history and of course, the cuisine is one of the reasons worth living. Watching foreign made schlock however, is no bueno. First of all, searching and picking interesting B-grade foreign horror movies was taxing enough (I watched about 4 flicks that just weren’t worth reviewing) but watching some of these was probably the greatest challenge I’ve ever experienced for Schlocktoberfest. Obviously, most foreign filmmakers are influenced by American-made flicks and horror itself, as a genre, is ripe with cliché and bad taste and translating that to other countries is going to give us the same ol’ same ol’ trite horror schlock. Hell, I even watched an Indian Nightmare of Elm Street that practically copied elements of the Freddy series wholesale. But Brazilian vampires isn’t much different from any other vampire. French zombies? Same as any other…OK bad example there but you get my point. The most unique flick I reviewed was Nekromantik but that was so extreme in its bad taste an bad execution that it barely qualifies as a movie.

Did I enjoy this past month? I’d have to say yes. Despite the fact that only one movie I graded above 5 was Space Amoeba, which I think I was being overly generous with. However, I enjoyed the concept for this year and discovering new foreign horror flicks even if they were schlock. Well despite the feeling that we know it’s presently better to live in any of these other nations on Earth, we are patriots and it’s time for us to return home. There’s work to be done. And it ain’t gonna be easy. In time we here will have to watch AI made schlock. We need to be prepared for the worst.

Movie That I’d Gladly Watch Again: Even though I rated Space Amoeba the highest, I wouldn’t care if I ever saw it again. At Midnight I’ll Take Your Soul probably has the best Not-really-watching-as-it-plays-in-the-background-while-I’m-doing-something-else vibe going for it. Maybe around Halloween time anyway. For a good schlock watch night with friends, Cemetery of Terror could be fun. But all the other flicks I watched are not worth seeing again.

Movie I Already Forgot About: Medusa. And I’d love to scrub the memory of Nekromantik from my brain but that’s etched in there deep I’m afraid.

Best Villain: The Rats in Rats: Night of Terror! Just kidding. Even though Coffin Joe was too tame for my tastes he at least was diabolical and sinister and had a distinct look going for him. If I’m counting Godzilla’s menagerie of bad guys, then King Ghidorah is always a good choice.

Worst Villain: Too many to name. Seriously, I know I complain every year about decent villains but I really think this year gave me nothing. Indian Freddy—Shakaal—was goofy as hell. Devlon from Cemetery of Terror? Don’t make me laugh.

Best Kill: I’m having a tough time even remembering any decent death scenes other than that one dude getting shredded by a lion in Prey.

Worst Kill: Hands down, Rob’s suicide in Nekromantik. I’m not describing it again so either take my word for it or go and read my review again.

Best Character: Hard I know this is going to sound either pathetic or crazy but Canteen from Mahakaal was entertaining in all the best and worst ways. I hardly remember any other memorable character that fits in this category.

Worst Character: Jesse Eisenberg of course! So many characters that I wanted to drop-kick this month. Roid-Rage Tom Selleck—Capt. Gordon is up there. Dr. Cardan was as useless as tits on a bull and did basically nothing. I’m not even mentioning Rob and his girlfriend from Nekromantik because fuck them. Well don’t actually fuck them because they are riddled with gangrene on their genitals.

Favorite Review from the Other Fellas: Brian’s Slugs was fun to read (I don’t get why they just don’t blanket the whole town in salt) and reading his attitude constantly change for When Evil Lurks was great as well. Jim’s admiration and knowledge of the Giallo is always impressive to me but reading 5 in a row and they tend to blend together but all of his reviews were fun to read. I even watched Strip Nude For Your Killer, following along with his observations. And I loved his takes on The Comeback actually made me want to watch it. And yes, I clicked each and every “A CLUE!” that was in the post.

Brian’s Thoughts

Why didn’t we continue last year’s theme and just do international Bigfoot movies, you ask?

최우수 작품 (Best Picture): If I had to watch one of these movies again, it would be Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum. However, I will not watch it again. Godziller: Final Wars also goes without saying.

Runner-up: Tokyo Gore Police had all the gore, Tokyo, and police I could ask for and more!

Gambar Terburuk (Worst Picture): You know, despite some pretty low scores for some of these, there’s nothing I really outright despised. Sure, Mystics in Bali sucked but the wacky special effects kind of made up for it a bit. When other than most Thanksgivings will you see a floating head with entrails suck a baby out of a woman’s vagina? Pretty rarely.

“Ah Sure Look” (Biggest Disappointment): I have to give this a tie between Grabbers and Dog Soldiers, which both seemed like something I would really like and I had heard good things, especially about Dog Soldiers, but they were both just fine. I guess you could blame their respectively low budgets, but we also have a low budget, and we’re the 17th most entertaining movie blog for Northeastern U.S. unmarried Caucasian men ages 45-60 with no prior history of diabetes.

“Oh Geez, Eh” (Most Pleasant Surprise): I had figured that Murder by Phone would be about as fun as being murdered by a phone, but it was actually as fun as talking on a phone with a murderer, one of the semi-fun ones, like David Berkowitz.

Mejor Muerte (Best Kill): This is a tough one because Tokyo Gore Police was nothing but amazing kills so I can’t pick just one except for when our heroine’s dad gets his head blown apart, so I’ll give it to the pregnant woman who axes herself in the face in When Evil Lurks, closely followed by when the dog eats the girl, which was good clean fun. Man, there was a lot of kid trauma in that movie. Maybe that was the point? Eh, who cares.

Runner-up: Nearly all of the phone murders in Murder by Phone but especially the one with the lingerie lady. When Godzilla tail whips Zilla into the Sydney Opera House in Godzilla: Final Wars.

“Fuck Me Dead, Mate” (Worst Kill): Nothing that really stood out, but there were too many offscreen deaths in Rogue.

好きなキャラクター (Favorite Character): Aside from Godzilla of course, it has to be Ruka from Tokyo Gore Police, who is the only person in Japan capable of beating Godzilla in combat.

Runner-up: Jair from When Evil Lurks because the only spot in my heart softer than my admiration for Godzilla is for people with special needs, especially if they eat their grandmothers.

Karakter Terburuk (Worst Character): Hands down Corey from Halloween Ends. Yeah that was three years ago but I still hate him. This year nobody really bothered me with the extreme exception of that mothersucking witch laughing all the ratpuking time in Mystics in Bali.

The Definitive Country Rankings:

1. Most places.

2. Bali under a Witch Moon.

3. Current USA.

4. Country music.

Best Chest of the Rest: Brad’s Mahakaal tickled me right in my copyright-protected dream ribs, although Wes Craven will be suing him for mentioning it, but we can counter sue that we had to sit through some of his movies. Jim’s Strip Nude for Your Killer made me swell with Italian pride, and this AI pizza abomination made me mortadafam!

Mangia!

See you next year for Schlocktoberfest XVI: Christine

Jim’s Thoughts

Well, it’s been one whole year since the last Schlocktoberfest and some would argue that nothing of significance has happened since. Don’t know if I’d agree with any of them, but there it is. I can’t believe we’ve been doing this for fifteen years and two views. This must be what Nic Cage feels like when he makes ten movies every year.

And with that depressing as fuck comparison, let’s wish last year’s Bigfoot all the best as he enters the Haunted Mystery Murder Mansion for the final time.

But enough of this palaver, let’s get the show on the road!

…Hang on a second – you have to watch this clip, the scariest shit I’ve seen in years.

I know right?

 OK, the house lights are blinking. Please take your seats.

Best Giallo Villain: Rosemary from The Red Queen Kills Seven Times. The cape and the mask were a welcome addition to the typical black glove ensemble of Giallo killers.

Best Giallo Victim: Evelyn from The Red Queen Kills Seven Times. She technically gets killed twice, so for that alone I have to award legendary status. I guess I liked The Red Queen Kills Seven Times more than I thought I did.

Best Kill: Helga from Deep Red. It’s a tragedy to have to watch the senseless murder of a department store mannequin, unless it’s done with the panache of Argento of course.

Il più marcio succhiacazzi: Carlo from Strip Nude For Your Killer. This slicker than owl-shit mother fucker essentially oozed through he movie. He never got caught and no one really tried to stop him. Sounds familiar.

Best Whodunnit: And Then There Were None. When one of Agatha Christie’s books is adapted for the silver screen, she always wins whatever mystery category you throw at her. She was that damn good.

Best Soundtrack: Godzilla: Final Wars by Keith Emerson. In a world where I am losing my favorite musicians at quite the fucking clip, hearing the late great Keith again reminded me of that fact.

Miss Schlocktoberfest 2025: To quote Francis Albert, as far as this category goes – it was a very good year:

Left to Right and 1st to 3rd: The Gold Medal winner hands down glands up was the exquisite Barbara Bouchet. The extremely close Silver Medal gets to rest ‘twixt the breasts of the bodacious Femi Benussi. And the no way to be ashamed of Bronze Medal goes to the goddess that is Sybil Danning.

Due to popular demand, the stage had to be made bigger for the Red Ribbon fourth place which goes to the not at all shabby Edwige Fenech. With the final Green fifth place Ribbon being awarded to Elke Sommer for being such a good goddamn sport.

We had the $240, we had to have the puddin’.

Best Nude Scene: Aside from Elke Sommer, every contestant in the a fore-mentioned contest had a nude scene or 50 this year. So, gun-to-the-head-have-to-pick-one I’ll have to go with any scene involving a naked Barbara Bouchet.

A Quick Reminder To Show Why Peter Cushing Rules:

Best Gimmick: The Priest’s death set piece from Don’t Torture A Duckling. I compared it to Monty Python originally, but after watching it a few more times I noticed that it also looks like Waldorf (or Statler), stuffed with jars of tomato sauce; getting ripped open by the cliff side.

Best Costumed Killer: Mr. B’s killer Grandma outfit from The Comeback because it makes absolutely no sense within the narrative. If he wanted a killer old woman theme, his wife should have done all the killing. Secondly, if he wanted revenge for the suicide of his daughter, shouldn’t he have dressed up like her instead? You know, the Norman Bates paradox.

When Do I Get My Special Coin For The Fun Machine?:

Favorite Joke I Wrote – An Exercise in Self-Indulgence Part 6 (Vanity Lives): “This one model looks like Elvira swallowed Katie Sackoff while burping Joan Jett.” from Blood And Black Lace. It makes no sense, but is completely picture-able.

Honorable Mention: This one goes to House Of The Long Shadows solely because of the classic horror actors therein.

“I have spat into the bodiless eyes of the Crimson King and rejoice.”

The Movie With The Most Satisfying Ending: Easily, The Beast Must Die. After all of that research and development Tom did, he ends up becoming a werewolf himself thus losing that awesome mansion he had.

The Movie I Should Have Substituted For Another: I should have reviewed the 1927 or the 1978 version of The Cat And The Canary for sure. Said it before, will say it again: not a fan of Hope. The actor or the ideal.

We Have An Admirer In The Dabbleverse So It Seems:

Best “Imported” Cargo From My Fellow Pirati: Watching Brad get through the experience that is Nekromantik was a memory I shall treasure, and Brian’s service with the Tokyo Gore Police was worthy of an esteemed accommodation from the Department.

Fade To Black: ‘Round the world and back again, that’s the schlockers’ way. I’ve been sitting on some of those giallos for years – so it was nice to finally unload them in an appropriately themed Schlocktoberfest.

Fifteen years. We took our babies by the wrists, and in their mouths? Amethysts.

I advocate the addition of nudity every year in my Fade To Blacks, and am doing so once again for our Sweet Sixteen. Because Schlocktoberfest, like a new edition of Huckleberry Finn, is missing something. I bet we put more asses in the seats if there’s asses to look at. Then again, it might not help at all at this point.

Who knows.

So until my commitment to Sparkle Motion comes under scrutiny, see you next year for:

Stay gold Ponyboy, and sing me out Simmons…