Dog Soldiers (2002)

Country of Origin: U.K.

 

 

 

 

 

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: U.K. dogs run afoul of soldiers, and vice-versa..

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• This sounds like it will be adorable, little bulldogs and dachshunds running around with little guns!
• A lady gives her guy a solid silver letter opener out in the woods. I wonder if that will come into play later. Absolutely no chance.
• They get attacked by some kind of howling hairy beast in their tent. Now would be a good time for that silver letter opener or your BARE HANDS, you pussy!
• So Tommy from Trainspotting (Cooper) is also in the woods doing like a special forces test where Ser Davos Seaworth from Game of Thrones wants him to shoot a dog, but Cooper refuses, because I believe the dog is his girlfriend.
• Then a month later Cooper is with a squad led by the guy who played Alfred in that teen Batman show (Sarge). They’re doing a training exercise but all they’re talking about is some game where people kick a ball around, I don’t understand a word of it.
• It’s nice that Cooper is giving his fellow soldiers complete exposition on the previous camping couple who were murdered by some kind of nighttime caninus creature.

• I don’t know if there’s a remastered version of this not-that-old picture out there but the one on Prime is grainier than homemade cannoli cream.
• So the Sarge is telling a story about a guy getting blown up to the group and a dead cow just falls from the sky in front of them. One guy laughs at another guy for firing the training blanks at it, while the Sarge orders the men to keep watch until morning, but not one of them mentions that it’s unusual that a fucking cow just fell from the sky in the middle of the forest.
• Oh Ser Davos got werewolfed already. I assume getting disemboweled means the end for him, but I have been wrong millions of times in the past.
• And also, werewolves have perfect night vision, just like my dog, and your dog, and all the dogs before them.
• I’m surprised this movie has semi-known actors in it because the film quality and 100% shooting in the woods means they had the budget of a case of Heath bars.

• Oh Ser Davos is still alive, despite losing massive amounts of blood for hours, werewolf man or no.
• Hm, this seems like this is just going to be about 80 more minutes of these military dudes running around the woods and yelling and firing guns. Of course, I’ve seen much worse things, but like a baby in a malfunctioning time machine, this will get old quickly.
• So before they were talking about it being dark soon, that being when the werewolves come out and do what they do best, but now a werewolf is out and killing in Broad Daylight, which is a great drag name if no one is using it.
• Sarge gets his intestines ripped out and Cooper pushes them back in his belly in a genuinely delightful scene. But yeah I’m sorry there’s no way he doesn’t bleed to death in two minutes, max, werewolf or no.
• Fortunately the squad is saved by a woman driving by in a Jeep at the exact precise time they needed it, and she’s already awere of the werewolves.
• There’s a DOG in this house, DON’T TRUST IT!!!

• I don’t know how but these numbnuts just went outside and blew up the only car.
• Looks like they’re just going to be holed up in this house talking for a while so I’ll see you on the other side of it.
• I’m sorry if Sarge survives having his intestines on the outside of his body then I don’t know if I can trust anything anymore, werewolf or no.
• Cooper tells the lady, “You can’t seriously believe in werewolves,” even though he just saw a handful of them.
• Yeah we’re still in the house. Ser Davos may be a werewolf now, maybe? Time and money will tell.
• So now the werewolves are just busting through the windows. What were they waiting on, then?
• So there are werewolves trying to slaughter soldiers with guns in a house, and somehow it’s more bland than wet matzoh.
• I’m pretty sure firing machines guns in a bedroom would make you more deaf than Beethoven’s corpse.
• Oooooookaaaayyy let’s go. This movie is about 20 minutes too long. I’m getting as bored as a golden retriever on a rainy day.

• Apparently these werewolves hate bright light, like a gremlin, but with only half the bloodlust.
• A good look at these werewolves reveal that they have faces like border collies, so I’m officially bestowing upon them Shakma Syndrome status.
• Not only is Sarge alive, but now he’s up and about. I suppose he’s becoming a werewolf? Or he’s just one super-tough son of a bitch?
• So I guess the training exercise thing was a setup to hunt werewolves or something. Anyway, yeah, Ser Davos and Sarge are becoming werewolves. That was more predictable than my dog shitting in the park at the furthest point away from the garbage cans.
• I’m pretty sure the lady is a werewolf too. Who isn’t a werewolf at this point? Cooper, “Spoon,” and Walter “Moon Man” Warewulff, who is a Nebraskan hardware store employee who simply has an unfortunate name, and unrelated to this movie.

• The only thing that would really turn this movie around at this point would be if the dog turns into a human.
• I’m just kind of done watching this, let’s shut the fuck up and get it over with, lads.
• Yeah the lady is part of the werewolf family. Who could have seen that coming, aside from Ray Charles? Today.
• You know, I think the main problem with this is it’s just really, really poorly directed. You can barely see anything during the action scenes, and sometimes it looks like the werewolves and the humans are in two different places, and everything is horrifically lit. But other than that, great job.

• So Sarge blows the house to smithereens via the oven’s gas line. Cooper survives by ducking down in the cellar, which really wouldn’t have helped that much given the atomic bomb level of explosion that occured. And the last werewolf is down there, and the dog, and the silver letter opener. You can probably guess what happens next.

Final Thoughts: Man, this seemed really good on paper, but turned out as lame as when my dog tore her ACL. Both times. Idiot. Recommended for Husky owners, husky-voiced women, husky children, children of the corn husks, and The Incredible Husk.

How U.K.ish Is It?: It’s all in the woods, and could be anywhere. They do talk a lot about “football,” whatever that is. At least they got the accents right. 15% Tariff

Score: 5 One-Fifth Moons (out of 10)