Schlocktoberfest XIV: A Really BIGfoot Recap

Let‘s wander through the forest again!

In order from best to worst score:

Shakedown (10)
The Six Million Dollar Man: The Secret Of Bigfoot Parts 1 & 2 (9)
Alabama Sasquatch (8)
In Search Of…Bigfoot (8)
Exists (7.5)
Suburban Sasquatch (7)
The Witch Who Came From The Sea (7)
Abominable (6)
Legend Of Boggy Creek (6)
Sasquatch: The Legend Of Bigfoot (6)
The Man Who Killed Hitler And Then The Bigfoot (6)
Primal Rage (5.5)
Big Legend (5)
Creature From Black Lake (5)
Snowbeast (5)
The Capture Of Bigfoot (5)
Boggy Creek II: And The Legend Continues (4)
Demonwarp (3.5)
Monstrous (3.5)
The Legend Of Bigfoot (3)
Bigfoot Country (2)
Sasquatch Mountain (2)
The Bigfoot Trap (2)
Why Would Anyone Want To Kill A Nice Girl Like You? (2)
Willow Creek (1.5)
Bigfoot Vs. Zombies (1)
Sasquatch Sunset (1)
Night Of The Demon (1)
The Badge, The Bible, And Bigfoot (1)
Curse Of Bigfoot (0)
Bigfoot (2012) (-10, 0.5, 0.5)

Brad’s Thoughts

I don’t think I ever thought about Bigfoot or Sasquatches or Yetis or whatever they are this much in my whole life prior to this month. When Brian suggested this theme I was rightfully skeptical as I knew 99.999% of Bigfoot movies are usually in that dank dark DVD discount bin at Walmart, on those 10 movies for $10 box sets. But I quickly grew on the idea realizing that this is essentially the same theme as mine last year with terrible Friday the 13th Fan flicks. Large, silent killer in the woods stalks his prey. Save for a few of the 31 flicks we watched (excluding Jim’s 3-4 non-Sasquatch flicks) all of them were set in a forest and the same general myths about Bigfoot applied. But, you see, here was the main issue I had—complete lack of any creativity with the subject matter. Why not set it in a city? (I had one set in the suburbs but not really) Why not have a Were-Sasquatch and have a mystery as to which human is changing form? The most out-there ideas I saw this month were Bigfoot fighting zombies and a Stoner Sasquatch. Maybe I just got unlucky. Also to my somewhat shocked realization that most of the movies I watched weren’t necessarily horror or monster movies but pseudo-documentaries or about someone tasked with killing or capturing the elusive creature. Brian had the bulk of the Bigfoot as killing machine stalking its prey more than me. Not gonna lie, I’m a little jealous. But all the blame comes down to me. There are about 5 dozen other schlocky Sasquatch-themed movies unleashed in the wilderness. Maybe I should’ve watched Bigfoot vs Megalodon or Bigfoot vs the Illuminati instead!

I haven’t checked the math but I’m pretty sure this is our lowest rated month in terms of what scores we gave these flicks. Almost half of the 31 are below a 4 rating. However, I wasn’t tearing my hair out watching this crap. I’m only speaking for myself but this was a hoot and a holler for such an out-there theme. Anyway, fun times and all and check back next year for our month long venture into reviewing nothing but Amityville flicks! Or clowns? We’re still spitballing ideas. That is if we make it that far.

Movie That I’d Gladly Watch Again: Tough question since I really didn’t enjoy any of these movies but for shits and giggles, getting high or drunk with a friend whose never seen these, I’d offer any of the ones that didn’t take themselves seriously, like Alabama Sasquatch, Suburban Sasquatch or Crom-forgive me, Sasquatch Sunset.

Movie I Already Forgot About: The two “Documentaries”, Sasquatch: The Legend of Bigfoot and The Legend of Bigfoot, while not awful or unwatchable kinda cancelled each other out for me and I can’t even honestly tell them apart now. The two worst Bigfoot flicks I watched and will refuse to watch again are The Bigfoot Trap and Bigfoot Country.

Best Bigfoot: Jesse Eisenberg of course! I’m kinda joking but credit where credit is due and they were the best in terms in costumes and make-up. But in terms of personality (you read that correctly!) I’d happily wander the woods with Alabama Sasquatch.

Worst Bigfoot: Jesse Eisenberg of course! Actually, The CGI Demon of Deadwood from Bigfoot! was nothing to get all excited for. But the absolute worst Bigfoot has to honestly be Suburban Sasquatch. From the dime-store, half-assed gorilla costume with the plastic exposed abdomen with huge tits to his hilarious unique growls, he certainly wasn’t winning any Halloween costume contests.

Best Kill: Jesse Eisenberg drowning slowly in the lake of course! I really didn’t have any great memorable kill moments in my flicks. Half didn’t have (human) deaths, and in the half that did most of the death were caused by other humans. Alabama Sasquatch had over-the-top silly deaths and Bigfoot vs. Zombies also had cheap and lame-looking gore effects. And the more I’m thinking about the Sasquatch in The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then The Bigfoot the more I’m disappointed in how that final showdown went down, with that Sasquatch basically dying by natural causes instead of Sam Elliott really taking him down.Yeah, I’m drawing a blank on memorable or kills worth mentioning.

Worst Kill: I mean, read above. The kill category is not doing it for me this month. Let me say this though, the more I think about Bigfoot Country in how the basically censored or neutered their death scenes was sad. I understand that they were going more for shock value than gore but why not both?! Especially when they were going for a slasher in the woods kinda vibe.

Best Character: Hard to beat Sam Elliott in any movie. (Even Frogs) But yeah, I don’t think I liked, identified or rooted for any human characters at all this month. AT ALL!

Worst Character: Jesse Eisenberg of course! Honestly, if I leave Barry Williams and Danny Bonaduce out of this race, it’s a toss-up between Red Wilson from The Bigfoot Trap and Bryce from Bigfoot Country. But every human character sucked Sasquatch shit in every movie I watched.

Favorite Review from the Other Fellas: Brian’s Demonwarp and Exists. I watched Demonwarp with him was still laughing at his jokes. Exists, mainly because he actually liked the movie. Jim’s eternal love for Shakedown is comforting in these trying times. I, too, watched it with him and his admiration for this flick (non-Bigfoot related notwithstanding) is nice to see in this day and age.

Brian’s Thoughts

You know, for such a totally god-damned dumbass idea, this actually turned out pretty fun. Much like our vaunted rock horror year, it was surprising to find just how much Bigfoot schlock is out there. And there’s still a lot we didn’t get to. I mean, there’s still another Lance Henriksen Bigfoot movie out there! And, we’ll probably never see them, because I think we’re all sick of that furry motherfucker. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, even though we received zero comments. Just the way Bigfoot wanted it.

Beast Picture: Exists, no contest. I really enjoyed that picture and may even watch it more than once!!!!

Runner-up: Abominable was some good, cheesy, snowy, fuzzy fun.

Smallest Feet: The Badge, the Boobies, and Bigfoot was a steaming pile of skunk shit, but you can’t be too mad at it, so I have to give it to Willow Creek, which completely dropped the ball, trying to do a “heard not seen” tension thriller but in the dullest way imaginable that just doesn’t work.

Biggest Disappointment: This would have to be Willow Creek again, as I was looking forward to it and I thought Bobcat would do a decent job. But, no.

Runner up: Monstrous, which makes less and less sense the more I think about it, so I choose to stop thinking about it.

Most Pleasant Surprise: I had no expectations for Primal Rage and it satisfied my gorehound mentality quite a bit.

Runner-up: Snowbeast, which was pretty fun for a horrible made-for-TV Bigfoot movie where Bigfoot is shown for about 28 seconds.

Best Kill: Hands down when the Bigfoot eats Nurse Man’s head in half in Abominable. Great gore and oh so satisfying.

Runner-up: Pretty much anything in Primal Rage, particularly when the Bigfoot splits the guy’s mouth wide open. Talk about a jaw-dropper!

Worst Kill: Sylvia not being killed despite around three fatal beatings in Monstrous.

Favorite Non-Bigfoot Character: Of course it’s George Kennedy from Demonwarp, who had a 50/50 chance of winning, but there’s only a 10 percent chance of that.

Runner-up: Juno in Snowbeast, who had a pretty good run until she fell and her ankle turned into Italian ice shavings.

Worst Non-Bigfoot Character: Hands down Corey from Halloween Ends. Yeah that was two years ago but I still hate him. This year I’ll have to go with that fucking Danny Bonaduce.

The Definitive Bigfoot Costume Rankings: The Bigfoots really ran the gamut of quality, in many ways. Here are the rankings of our fine furry friends, based on effort that went into the costume, which is the most crucial component of your Bigfoot movie:

1. Exists (A: Great suit, looks like an actual humanoid ape, much like myself.)

2. Primal Rage (A-: Although it looked cool, a slight ding for the bark armor, otherwise, it was great, like Harry and the Hendersons meets Predator, which would be an amazing movie.)

3. Abominable (B: Good Bigfoot costume, but horrific Bigfoot eyes.)

4. Big Legend (B-: You don’t get to see it a lot, but what you did see just looked ok.)

5. Monstrous (B-: Seems like it was decent but you never actually see the damn thing. According to the poster, it appears to be suffering from male pattern baldness.)

6. Demonwarp (C: This one basically looked like something you’d buy in a Spirit Halloween, but one of the more expensive versions, not like an adult Bigfoot onesie.)

7. Snowbeast (D+: Unbelievably shitty costume, but so unbelievably shitty that it was actually kind of charming.)

8. Sasquatch Mountain (D: This costume looked so shitty they chose to hide it in shadow for most of the movie. I think you accidentally saw the film crew more than you saw a good shot of Bigfoot.)

9. The Badge, the Bible, and Bigfoot (F: I seriously doubt they were working with a full Bigfoot costume. Seems like all they had to work with was a cheap fur coat and an ape mask.)

10. Bigfoot (F: It’s a free-to-download CG sloth bear.)

11. Willow Creek (Incomplete: I can’t grade you if you don’t hand in your work.)

Best Chest of the Rest: Brad’s Sasquatch Sunset, which was hilarious and I always love to see his undying hatred for Jesse Eisenberg manifest itself. Jim’s Six Million Dollar Man post because I wanted to learn the Secret of Bigfoot. And I got that. But I got more. A lot more…

See you next year for Schlocktoberfest XV: Loch Ness Madness!

Jim’s Thoughts

As the Oracle foretold, here we are in our 14th year. In a profession where movie bloggers die young: fear the old man. At this rate, given another 14 years or so – we might almost be as popular as REO Speedwagon is in 2024.

I was skeptical about all Bigfoot movies for this year’s theme, but I was assuaged of doubt by Brad and Brian’s always stoic battle cry:

Do Star Wars fans realize that Biggs and Porkins were both in Batman 1989? That’s almost 1/16th of Red Squadron. Huh? Oh, right. The introduction to the Bigfoot recap. No, no I remember.

Alright, places everyone. Cue John Furlong…

But enough of this palaver, let’s get the show on the road!

Most Tolerable Incarnation of Bigfoot: Was only made tolerable because it was an episode of The Six Million Dollar Man and it had Andre The Giant in it.

Worst Movie Dealing With Bigfoot: Curse of Bigfoot can get fucked once more even though I said I would never mention this abortion with tentacles again.

Best Villain: The award goes to Larry Joshua as Rydel from Shakedown. Not sure who I mean? I referred to him with the loving appellation of “mullet cop.”

Best Final Girl: It might cause some controversy, but I’m going with Tanya from Boggy Creek II: The Legend Continues. She did survive a ‘horror” movie all the way to the end credits, so that’s my argument. Even though she didn’t have a nude scene, she was the Schlock girl with an ass so sweet, she has dia-booties! Ah-ha-hee-hee-hee.

Best Kill: A category that ran very dry for me this year, gonna have to give it to the biker’s complete emascul- and castration by Bigfoot in Night Of The Demon. I think that’s more of a spoken joke than a written one.

Best Soundtrack: Thanks to Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendrix and Nikki Ryder – Shakedown. Greatest movie ever. Since it’s still in the media reservoir, here’s Nikki’s song one last time before we close out the year.

Worst Name For A Character In A Bigfoot Feature Film: The Creature From Black Lake’s very own Pahoo. Wasn’t one of the Ewoks in ROTJ named this? No, wait, that was Paploo never mind.

Oddest Yet Coolest Hillbilly Names: The dynamic duo from The Legend Of Boggy Creek, Howard Wallraven and Smokey Crabtree. If Evelyn ever ends up mysteriously murdered, Wallraven has an in.

The Difference Between Chicken Shit And Chicken Salad: Was argued by Leonard Nimoy’s In Search Of… A brief, yet informative Bigfoot argument from way back in the spring of 1977. Back when Bigfoot was actually rather popular believe it or not.

What I Thought When Brian Announced All Bigfoot Movies For Schlock 14:

Favorite Joke I Wrote – An Exercise in Self-Indulgence Part 5 (A New Beginning): “El demonio que hace troferos fuera de hombres means, the devil who makes terrible Bigfoot movies for man.” from The Curse Of Bigfoot. This one might be a little arcane for most, so I’ll attach the reference:

Honorable mention goes to “I hope Bigfoot shits in the river.” from Bigfoot! When watched with the correct scene and correct amount of chemicals, you’ll belly laugh at that line for at least four minutes.

Miss Schlocktoberfest 2024: Aside from Millie Perkins, there were no other nude women in my entries this year so I’ll have to wing this. By the way typing, “sexy Bigfoot” into image search, especially now with AI – will bring you tons of weird shit.

Left to Right and 1st to 3rd: Millie Perkins, Linnea Quigley (just because), and a fanfic female Bigfoot image that looks like the cryptid offspring of Adrienne Barbeau and Rick Aviles.

Hang On I Have To Pause The Recap, Someone’s At My Door: I had to call a repair service because one of my 912’s is not functioning and the repair man just showed up on my ring cam. BRB.

Goddamn incompetent Gods of Thunder and Doctors of Love always showing up at the worst times.

I’m sorry, where were we?

Best Nude Scene: See above. I say we finally get rid of censor bars next year and go full nude by the way. There’s no one out there to offend as it happens.

The I Still Don’t Know What The Fuck Happened In This Movie Blue Ribbon: Is pinned on Why Would Anyone Want To Kill A Nice Girl Like You? I went on Wikipedia, IMDB, and Letterboxd. Nothing. Still have no idea what the point of this cocksucker was.

Video Nasty Gold Medal: Goes to The Witch Who Came From The Sea hands down. Night Of The Demon just made me angry, but Molly’s escapades were a refreshing tale of a horny, wacky, homicidal witch running around the beach lopping off dicks like she’s Lorena Bobbitt on six Red Bulls.

Best Bigfoot Campfire Stories From The Other Two Hikers: Brian’s Snowbeast for being able to watch the old crone form Beetlejuice go down like Hedda Nussbaum; and Brad’s The Bigfoot Trap for not mentioning Hayley Mills or Lindsay Lohan once. That’s a Parent Trap joke folks.

Why Were There Three Movies That Didn’t Have Bigfoot In Them?: Look closer.

Fade To Black: Another year, another eleven movies. I will pause for gasps now. We were cool on craze. When I, you and everyone we knew could believe, do, and share in what was true. Aside from sucking like 2024’s top rated vacuum, the Shark Stratos AZ3000 Upright with DuoClean PowerFins; all our Bigfoot movies had that other thing in common – some local yokel trying trying to scare the “heroes” out of going any further. It’s like how I have to remind everyone when entering my living room:

How many of you are copy-pasting that vacuum into Amazon? See, I wasn’t bullshitting. I wonder how much traffic and or viruses we’d get if I had put the Amazon link for it.

The late seventies were a hotbed of interest in the paranormal. I remember going to one of those book fairs my school used to have, and the most popular books were about Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster, UFOs, and sharks. While not supernatural, thanks to Jaws sharks became the seventies’ spirit animal. If you throw in a couple of tomes about Evel Knievel and Kiss, that would be all you’d have to know about the decade. I am really dating myself here, but at least I’m not a cheap date.

Maybe we’ll eventually evolve into some sort of half-assed podcast. I think we should try to be different and call it, “3 Guys Making Fun Of Movies While They Sit In Front Of All Their Collectibles, Books, DVDs and Blu-Rays.” You never see that on YouTube.

So, for the 14th time – that just about does her. I can go back into my year long movie-riffing hibernation, all snuggled in and as warm as tea and toast. If you need me for anything, I’ll be staying in the same digs as always:

I call it playful whimsy, the courts call it “wrongful death.” There’s no way you’re serious about the fucking Loch Ness Monster. Anyhoo, I’ll see you next year also for: