Friday the 13th – The Fall of Camp Blood

Full Movie: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Someone decided that 2 dozen lame Friday the 13th movies wasn’t enough and decided to contribute to the mediocrity.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• July 19, 1984. OK. That was a Thursday. That was also National Hot Dog Day!
• Film opens with the sound bites of Corey Feldman’s Tommy Jarvis killing Jason at the end of Part IV.
• One of the corpses hands are shown hanging off the gurney and it has the corkscrew wound and then the flick shows the Part IV flashback of Crispin yelling “Hey Ted, where the hell is the corkscrew?!”
• The paramedics are somewhat morbidly interested in trying to revive Jason.
• Miller Lane?!
• The deputy riding along with the paramedics is sabotaging them to seemingly either help Jason survive or to make sure he’s dead-dead.
• The deputy explains to the scared paramedic that they need to dump Jason’s body by Crystal Lake so the community can’t find him. This makes as much sense as taking a cruise to Manhattan from Crystal Lake.
• Yeah, he could’ve explained this without pulling a gun on the poor paramedic lady.
• Anyway, while that dipshit deputy is explaining this outside the ambulance, another EMT is attempting to revive Jason. After a rigorous chest massage, Jason comes to and stabs the EMT in the eye with a syringe. Not Jason’s best work IMO. Kill Count: 1
• And Jason’s wrinkled decomposing flesh looks as good as I feel watching this.
• The dipshit deputy opens the back to the ambulance and Jason fries his brain with a defibrillator. No smoke or anything just some bad royalty-free electrocution sound effect for like 5 seconds and he’s down. Kill Count: 2

• The female paramedic is attempting to call dispatch for help but is quickly dispatched by Jason who plunges his thumbs in her eye sockets. Kill Count: 3
• The dipshit deputy was still alive apparently but his head was crushed in the ambulance doors now.
• ONE YEAR LATER!
• What was Jason doing for a whole year?
• Great. Jason legend chit-chat. But this fella telling his girlfriend sounds the most patronizing. It’s more or less mansplaining Jason’s origin story.
• The girlfriend is excited to find Jason’s tombstone. My kind of gal.
• The boyfriend is a chickenshit.
• Some chubby fella in a wife-beater is digging up Jason’s grave. The boyfriend and his date stupidly make their presence known to the gravedigger. But it don’t matter since Jason catches up to them and plunges an ax into the boyfriend’s chest. And the date ain’t far behind. Kill Count: 4
• Not only can I can’t for the life of me figure out what the guy’s license plate means (NO B3 80 SCO) but I know for a fact that’s too many numerals for a NJ license plate.
• Wessex County sure has the ugliest denizens I’ve ever seen.

• So that chubby fella, that was earlier seen digging up Jason’s grave, confronts the sheriff and is outraged that the grave was empty!
• I’m still fucking baffled why the sheriff thought it was best for the town to not bury Jason. Hell, he could’ve saved everyone a ton of misery and strife if he cremated his body.
• Is digging up an empty gravesite a crime? It was an empty grave hence no body to desecrate.
• No one’s going to be jealous at the fact that this unattractive girl is planning on having sex this weekend at the lake.
• How many overweight characters are in this film?! I hate to sound like I’m body-shaming but almost every character is a bit pudgy.
• Some girl yells out to the guys talking outside, “Where is the cork screw?” They really like that gag.
• The chubby gravedigger guy (James) is hellbent on finding justice to his family. Apparently some of his family went to look for other family members and never returned. But he’ll succeed where they have failed.
• Aw Steven, you’re the best boyfriend ever.
• Strip beer pong? *Editor’s Note: Beer pong was not widely know nor popular in 1985.
• Steven barges in and interrupts the strip beer pong game just as the girl was taking off her top (well one of her tops anyway)
• Yeah, stop bad-mouthing Tommy Jarvis. Tommy is a hero!
• Apparently this film is framing the Jason massacres as a cover-up and Tommy Jarvis took the fall for the murders. Not a bad idea actually. However, this would be even better if Tommy was an actual character in this film and not only had to clear his name but defeat Jason again. Again-again.
• Rhinegold beer! Nice.
• Random neighbor gets randomly killed with a hammer while he was randomly looking for something in the garage. Kill Count: 5
• Why did the film highlight the sign that says: “We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone” for a good 6 seconds for no reason?
• Who is this new girl coming in a house with take-out looking for Daniel? And who the fuck is Daniel?!
• This flick just literally introduced some random chick for Jason to kill. Kill Count: 6
• A bar brawl is brewing because another chubby fella (Jesus, if Jason don’t kill these heifers, Diabetes and heart disease sure will) is pissed that teens come to the lake to fuck and that’s why Jason is back killing people. Yes, it’s all the under-age fucking that brings Jason to kill.

• James is not taking this other chubby dude’s insults to his family lightly. Miller lightly. (A Miller Lite bottle to the noggin’)
• It’s a Wessex County-wide conspiracy! Keeps ’em guessing like some kind of parlor game, prevents ’em from asking the most important question, why? Why was Jason killed? Who benefited? Who has the power to cover it up? Who?!
• It’s a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma! But not as mysterious as Crazy Ralph!

• Steven and Courtney (Steve’s girlfriend) just convinced James that they have to go back to the lake house because their friends are there and all their fucking is going to attract Jason there to kill them!
• Actually, hold on, James is on a mission to find his folks in the woods. He doesn’t know that Jason is stalking in the area, just that Jason’s body is missing. No one in this flick lived to tell that Jason is killing again. At least that we the audience know about—So James, Steven and Courtney being anxious and scared about going back to save their friends is out of nowhere actually.
• Jason randomly attacks one of the girls at the lake house by quickly strangling her with her guitar amp cord and then pounding her face in with the guitar. Huh, Jason’s a music hater. Kill Count: 7

• For someone that is not only looking for his lost kin as well as suspecting that Jason is lurking about, James is only armed with a fucking flashlight.
• Anyway, don’t get too attached to James, as Jason just stabbed his big gut with a machete. James, in vain, tells Jason “not this time!” But Jason just kicks his nuts to the dirt. But I have a dumb suspicion that James will return to save the day so I’m not counting him as dead yet.
• Jason then quickly and unceremoniously kills two people making out in a tent. The only worthy thing about the death happening off screen is the blood splatter hitting the hot lamp and sizzling on impact. Hey it’s something in this boring run-of-the-mill installment. Kill Count: 8
• Seriously, I’d much rather run around a mill than watch this.
• Why is this called Fall of Camp Blood anyway? They’re not even at the camp!
• Steven and Courtney get into a car wreck to avoid one of the dead friends laying on the road. How Steven couldn’t see her fat-ass on the pavement is beyond me.
• See, James is still alive. It’s a bloody miracle. He’s walking with Courtney (I think I missed the fact that Steven died in the car accident) just holding his stab wound with his hand like it’s a simple cramp. I’m pretty sure Jason stabbed him so hard the blade went out his backside.
• Oh good, Steve’s still alive too! But how stupid is Courtney not double-checking he had a pulse in the car before James showed up? She fucking left his ass to die in the car. Also how dumb is this movie to have Steven also lumber for a while near death to catch up to Courtney and James?
• Anyway, Steve is doubly-dead now when Jason enters and stabs him in the back. Courtney and James just look on with nary an expression. Seriously, Courtney didn’t even scream or act terrified or anguished that her loving boyfriend was getting killed right in front of her. But then again, she did leave him to die in the car moments ago. Kill Count: 9
• James then shoots Jason a few times, enough to make him fall to his knees and then Courtney unemotionally stabs Jason in the chest with a pitchfork. I think James popped a boner watching.
• James then takes the pitchfork and stabs Jason again. One can never be too sure.
• James then has the curiosity enough to want to take off the hockey mask. This proves fatal to James. But we all knew that.

• Courtney then stabs Jason (again) in the back with the machete but Jason starts to strangle her. Something I wanted to do for a while now.
• James, who apparently is indestructible, gets up, takes the machete and chops off Jason’s head.
• The next day, the sheriff takes the body of Jason and pushes it off a dock into the lake. He then throws the hockey mask in as well. 1. Right off the dock isn’t that far from the beach so the body will mostly likely be easy to find and 2. Won’t the plastic hockey mask float?
• And what is it with this moron sheriff and not being able to properly dispose of dead bodies? Is there no coroner in Wessex County?
• Anyway, this fucking shit is over. But even the credits mock me with a terrible alternative band cover of “Sail Away Tiny Sparrow“.

Kill Count: 9

T&A Count: ZERO and I’m not complaining.

Best Kill: They’re all weak and lame but I’d go with the guitar kill. At least it was different.

Final Thoughts: Not much going for this installment. Very weak, boring and lacklusterly made. The acting is terrible, the kills uncreative and the gore is virtually non-existent. They tried to make it interesting with being a direct sequel to The Final Chapter and setting it in 1985 but none of that played any real part to the story. I forgot it was set in 1985 half-way through because it didn’t matter. Otherwise it’s a very run-of-the-mill F13 movie with Jason stalking his prey around the lake (well to be fair, it’s just this one group of dopes at the lake house). I appreciate them trying to have the story of James looking for his family who has been missing in action in the woods but the determined and vengeful family member angle has been done before and it’s not that exciting to be honest. I would not recommend this one. It’s no bueno.

Score: 3 Cork-screws (out of 10)

Crazy Ralph’s Opinion: