Friday the 13th – Voorhees

Full Movie: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Something about a killer wearing a hockey mask stalking folks in the woods.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Is that an original music score? That’s crazy!
• Also filmed in Blairstown, NJ, site of the original F13.
• Same Hope, NJ cemetery as well.
• I’m sure Blairstown loves the publicity.
• Will there be a Jason Voorhees or a Pamela Voorhees headstone in the next few moments?
• Is everything going to be shot in low angle? Who was filming this, Peter Dinklage?
• The girl who was visiting her dad’s gravesite’s friend who stayed in the car was just seemingly killed off screen. And then the other girl returns to the car and gets quickly wacked in the face with something. Kill Count: 2
• Has anyone in a F13 film ever died NOT from Jason (or his mom’s) doing? This flick starts with 3 bank robbers fleeing a heist and one of them has already been shot when we meet them.
• Oh wait, the girls from the car from earlier is still alive and were taken hostage by the bank robbers. Kill Count: 0
• Elm Street Savings and Trust!
• The girl who was visiting her dad’s grave is an Assistant Branch Manager at a bank. Not sure if it’s the same bank they robbed (I mean, why kidnap the Assistant Branch Manager when she wasn’t even there that day) or a bank they are planning to rob later on. (Makes a little more sense for planning their next heist)
• The musical score kinda sounds like Hans Zimmer.
• Elena, the Assistant Branch Manager, is volunteering to help the shot robber with removing the bullet and stitching him up. Is she also the Assistant Surgeon at the Elm Street General Hospital as well?

• Elena attempts to attack the gang with the medical syringe but is promptly subdued again.
• Meanwhile Jason is somehow resurrected in the lake and pops out. He probably wakes up when he smells the blood in the air; like a shark.
• “More money than we ever dreamed of!” Didn’t they rob a rinky-dink Elm Street Savings and Trust? There must be 1000s of dollars in that bank!
• Haley, Elena’s friend somehow escaped and is running around the forest. Not sure why the robbers aren’t pursuing her.
• Haley reaches Camp Crystal Lake and stupidly touches the sharp end of a machete and is surprised it cut her.
• OK, so I thought Jason popped out of the lake not too far from where the robbers were. But now he’s at Camp Crystal Lake pursuing Haley who ran a while before she got there. So Jason ignored the robbers and instead went back to camp? Maybe he needed to freshen up.
• Haley was just brutally pummeled to death serval times with the machete by Jason. Kill Count: 1
• Focus! C’mon fix the fucking focus!
• One of the robbers, Derek, used to date Elena. He claims he robbed the bank for “them” but he was also in jail the previous 19 months.
• The Death Penalty? For bank robbery?
• Why is this police chief, who’s violently interrogating this suspect who’s tied to a tree in the woods, have a southern accent if this is supposed to be set in NJ?
• Also, who is this suspect and how is he pertinent to this movie?

• Doesn’t matter since the chief just shot him dead. This was after he cut off the fella’s finger with a cigar cutter. Kill Count: STILL One. I ain’t counting it unless Jason did it.
• Hahahaha, Dispatch just informed the chief and his deputy about the bank heist. How long has the chief been in the woods torturing that dude?
• After spending about 5 minutes of the robbers wandering slowly around this old dilapidated house for Haley, One of the girl robbers asks Blaine, the leader of the robbers, what happened here. He starts with the legend of Jason’s drowning but doesn’t go into the details of his killing spree.
• The stoner robber is having a romantic moment with the hot chick robber. Believe me when I tell you, it was steamy. I literally had to wipe the condensation off my eyeglasses.
• I was originally impressed that they didn’t use the tried and true Manfredini music but this new music doesn’t fit in at all. AT ALL!
• I like the idea that this is a F13 flick with the added bonus of a gang on the lam after a major heist with police in pursuit but man, this is boring as fuck.
• Film teases us with VO moaning and wailing from the hot robber chick and Travis the Stoner instead of showing any sexual stuff. Even Jason seems pissed and annoyed as he listens in.
• I can’t believe there’s women willing to even show cleavage in these free, not-for-profit, fan-made pieces of trash.
• The “Ki Ki Ki Ma Ma Ma” music was also fan-made and not the Manfredini version. It sounded weird.
• Hot Robber chick is about to meet her untimely demise with a steel chain hanging. Kill Count: 2
• I’m no expert but it seems folly to throw a machete like a dagger.
• Now Travis the stoner is getting hammered. And by that I mean, Jason is pummeling Travis’ face with a claw hammer. The last thrust was so hard it gets lodged in his face. Not too shabby of a kill. Kill Count: 3
• The robber who was shot and was bleeding to death is up and walking around. Glad he’s feeling much better.
• Derek has a sweet LA Raiders tattoo on his bicep.

• Blaine is drunk and threatening the rest of the group because they are all nincompoops.
• Christ, why is there still 45 minutes left?!
• Derek and Blaine were in a Mexican standoff and about to shoot each other when they hear gunshots coming from the house or barn where Ricky (the shot robber) is.
• Derek then gets his arm broken by Jason. And before you ask, yeah, it was the same arm as the Raiders Tattoo unfortunately. 
• Random ax in the ground convenient for Derek to use on Jason to stop him from choking out Elena.
• Derek is no match for the mighty Jason. Raiders Tattoo be damned! Kill Count: 4
• This music is so misplaced. It’s easily the worst aspect of this flick. And that’s saying a lot.
• Watching this and imagining what it would be like if Tarantino had made a horror movie. I’m thinking something like Reservoir Dogs with Jason, which I’m assuming this movie is kinda emulating in some way. But failing miserably.
• Who’s this Norman in the woods threatening the police guys? Is he like a Crazy Ralph? Gotta have a Crazy Ralph-type old man.

I KNOW ALREADY!

• This music is literally screwing up my mindset. In fact it’s so canned and uninspiring that it’s making me numb to what’s on screen.
• There’s the Momma Voorhees shrine. Head looks awful as usual.
• Elena stabs Blaine as he is aghast at the shrine. Not sure if he’s dead though. Unlike my enthusiasm for this flick which died 35 minutes ago. Kill Count: maybe 5, possibly 6
• Jason is being interrupted by the voice of his mother from killing Elena. Cockblocked by his own mother. She keeps saying she needs him but what could she possibly need him for? I thought she wanted him to kill everyone, which she just stopped him from doing!
• Blaine’s still alive. For now. No wait, now he’s dead. Jason literally ripped his guts out. Kill Count: 6 (I’m assuming Ricky is dead too)
• Oh good, it’s the police to the rescue.
• Instead of searching the area, they simply just arrest the one remaining robber chick and take her to the dilapidated house. I don’t recall her leaving that area and when the cops arrived she was just sitting in her park while it was parked on the road. Whatever man.
• Hey wait a darn minute! These cops are corrupt!
• Jason activated his teleportation powers to appear in front of the cop car making them divert off the road. Why they couldn’t just stop is a great question since Jason was still like 100 feet away and they had enough time to stop but ya know, movie has to keep giving us tension we never asked for.

• The film makes it a point to show the headstone of a Bruce Pullen who died in 1986. So I took a few moments of my time to pause the flick to see if Bruce Pullen was a character in an original Paramount F13 movie and nope, no such character by the name. What was the point of showing that headstone. Was Bruce Pullen a friend or family member of one of the filmmakers?
• They were just Pullen my leg!
• Ah here’s the Pamela Voorhees headstone. Wouldn’t be a F13 movie without it.
• Jason just crushed the deputy’s face and cracked his neck. Kill Count: 7
• The robber chick kicked off Jason’s mask and his face looks like the original Swamp Thing and a mole person. Jason then gouges out her eyes.
• The deputy wasn’t dead? How many people is Jason going to fuck up killing? We then see Jason lunge at him before the camera cuts away to Jason putting his mask back on. So is he really dead now? Kill Count still: 7
• Crazy Norman’s sons are out in the yard guzzling Bud Lights and laughing hysterically at something. Like literally once the camera cut to them they’ve been uncontrollably laughing.

• Norman is now getting garroted. Kill Count: 8
• Shovel to the neck next for one of those laughing boys. Kill Count: 9
• The other laughing boy tries to shoot Jason but he’s either too stupid or too drunk to handle the weapon and Jason easily breaks his neck. Kill Count: 10
• If you ever have the desire to make a fan made F13 flick, there’s only 2 things you should never skimp on. 1. The Kills. They better be interesting and if you can’t make it original or interesting you better make it gory. And 2. Make Jason’s unmasking interesting. This film failed miserably on the first one.
• The sheriff flees the scene with the money while Elena watches. When she realizes she’s not getting help, Jason pops up behind her and breaks her neck. Kill Count: 11
• Weird, as soon as the credits started the music stopped and it’s now dead silent. Not sure if that’s a bad file I got from YouTube or if they ran out of royalty free music.
• I skipped forward a few minutes and the music’s back so yeah it was silent on purpose. So dumb.

Kill Count: 11-ish

T&A Count: 0.0

Best Kill: The Claw Hammer Facial

Final Thoughts: I appreciate the attempt to incorporate more than some dumb horny teens smoking dope and fucking until Jason slaughters them by having a bank heist be the crux of the story. Novel indeed and I award them mucho kudos. However, it was still weak, amateurish and boring with weak kills and annoying characters. I would only recommend this one for the ardent fans who seem to like these fan-made movies.

Score: 2 Bruce Pullens (out of 10)

Crazy Ralph’s Opinion: