Schlocktoberfest XIII – Day 7: Friday the 13th – J’s Night

Friday the 13th – J’s Night

Full Movie:

*Les Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Camp Crystal Lake is terrorized by Hockey-masked killer Jason Voorhees. Yet again! But this time in French!

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

I get doing an opening establishing shot of a lake but the next establishing shot is a low mountain range with a curved road. Hardly Southern NJ.
This is a French made fan-made F13. Sacre Bleu!
Massachusetts License plates? Excuse my French but I call fucking bullshit!
From the looks of this muscle car (a Firebird? I don’t know cars) this might be set in 1988.
This might be the fastest I ever hated a flick. And I didn’t even get to the fact that I have to watch this shit with subtitles the whole way.
Good that these French kids brought a machete with them to go to the lake. That will surely come in handy later. Were they out of croissants?

Salope Camaro

This movie, thank fucking Crom, is only 30 minutes long but I worry that that doesn’t leave a lot of time for character development, story structure and world building.
One of the ladies is pregnant. Is this somehow going to be important later? Hope not. All I know is she sure as hell ain’t boinking in the woods any time soon.
Ooh La La. Two of the kids are making amour in a tent. As per F13 rules. They better be French kissing!
Meanwhile two of their friends are lost in the woods looking for them. (such a bold choice to have a couple lost in the woods)
I’m assuming even though they are speaking French that they are supposed to be Americans since they are driving a car with Massachusetts plates. In other words, the makers of this felt it necessary to keep the American setting when Jason could be in any lake in any part of the world and it would still work. He could’ve drowned in Lake Geneva and the story stays the same. Hell, spice things up and make it a Scandinavian Fjord!
It doesn’t matter where in the world this movie takes place, no one is seeing it anyway.
Now the dude is telling his girlfriend the legend of Jason (but now we get to hear it in French!)
The legend of Crystal Lake and all the murders always gets the ladies wet.
Somehow, someway Jason crawls out of his grave and while the couple are making out he impales the dude’s skull with a sharp stick down through his mouth. It was a really well done gory special effect.

Mon Dieu!

The girl is dispatched shortly after by Jason grabbing her mouth and ripping her lower jaw off her face. Decently done to be honest.
Kill Count: 2
It’s been over 15 minutes and I have yet to see one baguette! Sacrilege! And why isn’t the score just a solo accordion? Dis eez an outrage!

Why do I have Psycho Killer stuck in my head? Qu’est-ce que c’est, Fa-fa-fa-fa, fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa.
It’s really hard imagining a French Jason Voorhees. You would think he would’ve given up at the first sign of resistance by the teenagers.
Leave it to the French to have 2 love-making scenes in a 30 minute slasher amateur flick.
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir? Gitchie, gitchie, ya-ya, da-da (Sorry my French jokes are limited mostly to song lyrics)
Why is Jason intently watching this dude play guitar? Come to think of it, is this the first time in a F13 flick that Jason has encountered live music? Hope he goes full Bluto and destroys the guitar first before killing the dude.

J’ai donné à mon amour une cerise sans noyau

Anyway, off screen that dude is killed with his own guitar by Jason while his girlfriend listens with fear inside the tent. Don’t worry though, Jason breaks her back when he thrusts her sleeping bag covered body against a large rock.
Kill Count: 4
More love-making?!
“He’s coming to get you Barbara” in a heavy French accent is hilarious actually.
Kinda surprised Jason isn’t wearing a beret on top of his hockey mask and sporting a black and white striped shirt while chain-smoking a cigarette and eating cheese and frog legs.
Did they call this J’s Night because they were afraid of getting sued? I’m pretty sure the name Jason isn’t copyrighted.
You know, it’s not a Friday the 13th movie unless it comes from the Voorhees region of France, otherwise it’s just a sparkling slasher schlock.

Jason’s got no human grace. He’s eyes without a face. Les yeux sans visage.
Pregnant girl’s boyfriend seemingly died off screen. Le sigh.
Kill Count: 5
I wonder if Edith Piaf has any heart-warming songs about a homicidal maniac killing teenagers in the forest wearing a hockey mask.
I have to admit that this fan-made flick looks great. Shot well and stylish with great mood and atmosphere. The acting ain’t terrible either. However, not too much creativity in this French F13 installment. Plus ça change, Plus c’est la même chose.

This film is attempting to make this F13 flick more profound by having the pregnant final girl be more diligent to survive because she’s carrying child. She’s talking to her unborn fetus that she will protect it.
A Jason unmasking! Not a huge well-lit reveal of the face though.
The final girl goes apeshit and starts pummeling his face with a heavy object and thinks she killed him but alas he slices her achilles tendon and starts to torture her by slowly slicing her back.
OK, He then slashes her throat. The Fucking End.
Or should I say: Fin
Kill Count: 6
But wait there’s more: An after-credits scene with some oddball Frenchman with a chainsaw for a hand gets up in the woods and attacks Jason. How do you say, “work shed”, in French?

Magnifique!

Kill Count: Les Six

T&A Count: 0 (girl le bikini)

Best Kill: Wooden stake through zee skull

Final Thoughts: Maybe if Truffaut, Godard or Besson directed a Friday the 13th it would be interesting but even the French are capable of making a mediocre F13 flick. Jean-Pierre Jeunet would’ve made a bad-ass F13 come to think of it. Anyway, this fan-made flick has some decent things going for it but I still wouldn’t recommend it due to the banality of the plot and the fact that’s in a foreign language. Not that foreign language flicks are not worthwhile, hell, usually it’s the contrary but like I said, this is a very humdrum F13 flick in any language but if you have to watch a dull F13 flick with subtitles, then that’s not worthwhile Schlock I’m afraid.

Score: 3 Putains Morts (out of 10)

Crazy Ralph’s Opinion: