Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Hollywood chainsaw hookers.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• There’s a disclaimer in the beginning about real chainsaws being used. This is why you never heard from any of these actors again.
• The chainsaw is a sexual enhancement device? I’ll have to try that.
• Gunnar Hansen? What the fuck would that guy know about chainsaws?
• This movie is only an hour and 15 minutes and the opening credits are 27 minutes of that.
• ]\rgvbn 87 (my dog jumped up on my bluetooth keyboard and typed that, definitely the most coherent thing you’ll read in this review)
• Linnea Quigley is just the best. Definitely my favorite schlock actress. I would count Dona Spier and Julie Strain in that but the Sidaris movies are legitimate masterworks.
• TFC: Tender Fucking Care
• I like the hooker calling herself a social worker. Why is prostitution illegal anyway? Who is the act of prostitution hurting? Not that I’ve ever been to one, but seriously what’s the crime? I guess it can be a bad situation for the actual prostitute, but if it were legal there wouldn’t be so many abusive pimps and whatnot. Although I’m just going by what I’ve seen in movies.
  
• Full frontal milkers and muff. My wife always has to point out that the boobs are fake. I used to not care, but in my advanced age I could really do without them. I mean, I do do without them, but I just mean seeing them. I’d much rather smaller real than big fake. But I don’t mean to get political.
• This scene is boring but I kind of like the hooker preparing the room for a murder. American Psycho would rip this off wholesale some years later.

• This fake blood is more watery than and old man’s stool after Curry Thursday at the nursing home. And there’s probably going to be a metric pissload of blood in this, so that’s the one thing besides the boobs you should’ve gotten right.
• There’s a private detective who I guess is the main character but he sucks private dick. He’s about as funny as a chainsaw catheter.
  
• Thank the old gods that this movie is so short because I can tell everything between chainsaws and boobs is going to be tough sledding.
• I was wistful about the ‘80s being way being way better in my Toxic Avenger review, but now I’m not so sure… 
• This detective voiceover bullshit was the wrong storytelling device for this movie. I hope the detective gets chainsawed and we move on to something else. 
• The detective’s girlfriend is laying down and her boobs are 6 feet apart. While I’m glad they’re practicing social distancing, it’s not sexy whatsoever.
• I’m glad there’s already been a chainsaw dismemberment or else I’d have a hard time classifying this as horror. Hopefully there are 55 more over the next 55 minutes.
• This pervo is taking pictures of a hooker with a baseball bat for a calendar for his baseball bat business. But it’s in his house with an acoustic guitar and fireplace in the background, which doesn’t make any sense for the background of a baseball bat calendar. Though I suppose that’s not the focus. But that’s just the artiste in me. Anyway, she hits him in the head with the bat and chainsaws him. You know, if you’re movie is about chainsaw dismemberments, maybe they should have focused a lot more on gore. It’s really just the hookers waving the chainsaw around and getting sprayed with blood from offscreen.
• Finally, some nude Linnea Quigley. It’s no Trash dance, but I’m ok with it.
• All Gunnar Hansen does is stare in this movie. They may as well have hired a head in a box.

• Man, I didn’t expect this movie to be good but I was hoping it would have at least been fun. Every joke they’ve tried to make as been as lame as a photoshoot of Trump signing blank papers.
• So Jack the Detective gets tied up by the hookers. This is the most boring scene in Schlocktoberfest history. We did it, everybody! Great time to call it quits.
• Gunnar Hansen is speaking a lot and he just shouldn’t do that, whether it’s a movie or ordering dinner or reading a spell that will save the universe from destruction.
• He’s like a cult leader of the hookers and they make sacrifices with chainsaws. Let’s see much more of that right now.
• This scene is still going on. I just want it to end because a) I decided to turn it off and go to bed after this scene and b) I just want it to end.

• Ok I’m back! There’s still 7 hours to go in this 75-minute movie!
• Isn’t Linnea’s character a little old to be a runaway?
  
• Jack just headbutted Linnea in the face. I hate this guy.
• Did I say before that this movie was short? Mentally its a week long.
• I don’t remember if I wrote this before but there is literally no reason whatsoever for the detective to be in this movie. But I guess they wanted to make an offbeat detective movie, but like a hooker with migraine, it just doesn’t work. 
• Linnea just said she was 21. Even so, I’m pretty sure that’s over the legal age for your mother to declare you a runaway. 

• Detective Jack says to Linnea, “You oughta be skipping rope in some schoolyard right now.” She just said she was 21! And you just fucked her!
• Linnea is describing a gruesome chainsaw murder. Why don’t they show it? Would that be too entertaining?
• Some of these gags could be semi-funny if like Leslie Nielsen played the detective, but with this guy they’re about as funny as an ivory hunt or living in the year 2020.
• So plotwise, Linnea and Jack go to the chainsaw cult temple and captured by the hookers. They inject Linnea with the blood of their ancestors, and they’re going to sacrifice Jack, which I absolutely cannot wait to see. I realized I’m fully on the side of the chainsaw hooker cult.
• I’m assuming ol’ Gunnar was cast as Leatherface because of his size and not because of his years of experience on the Shakespearean stage.
• Some druid is like pouring oil in a bowl and it’s going on forever even though there’s only 10 minutes left.
• I know this movie is spoofy but this cult doesn’t make a ton of sense and serves no real purpose. 
• Now it’s just a topless fire swallowing chick. I didn’t think hookers swallowed… fire.
• Linnea is body painted and doing the Virgin Dance of the Double Chainsaws. It’s kind of Trash-like which automatically makes it the best scene in the movie, even though it just seems to be padding the runtime.

• Even though I didn’t like it much The Hitcher had a surprise ending with Jennifer Jason Leigh getting torn apart, and I hope there’s a similar ending here with Jack being slowly eviscerated with a chainsaw through the backdoor.
• Speaking of The Hitcher, it’s funny that that movie looked totally terrible on HBO Max and I’m watching this shit on a rando YouTube channel and it looks fantastic.
• Linnea snaps out of it and guts Gunnar. Then massacres that other woman. At least we got to see her Tex-ass.
• Remember that disclaimer in the beginning about real chainsaws being used? Yeah, they don’t appear to be actually on most of the time.
• Jack is holding Linnea in his lap kind of so they can make out and it looks like he’s trying to hold her down from running away. Which is probably exactly what was happening.
• The bodies disappeared. What the hell is this movie.
• Coming soon! Student Chainsaw Nurses! “Bad to the Bone!” No thank you.

 

Was it Entertaining:

Any Good Gore: The first chainsaw scene has some fake limbs but after that it’s mostly a lot of watery blood discharge.

Any Nudity: There’s one part where just for a microsecond you can see one of the hooker’s bare ankles but other than that no.

Best Quote: Detective Jack: “You could’ve knocked me over with a pubic hair.”

Best Scene: The Virgin Dance of the Double Chainsaws:

Worst Part: I just did not like Detective Jack throughout most of this. Like I said in the hands of a better actor it may have been ok, but John Henry Richardson is not that actor. He would go one to star in most Skinemax films.

Final Thoughts: As lumberjacks always say, a dull chainsaw is no good to anyone. Aside from the lovely Ms. Quigley, and even the delightful Michelle Bauer, there just isn’t enough nudity and chainsaw kills to make this movie interesting. Maybe instead of using chainsaws it would have been a better movie if they used that three-pronged garden thingy from The Initiation, whatever that’s called.

Score: 2 Chainsaw Virgin Dance (out of 10)