It’s Alive (1974)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: A mutant baby causes moderate havoc in Los Angeles.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• That commercial used to scare the absolute piss out of me back then.
• I remember seeing the poster for this movie in the Paramus Park Mall in the mid 70’s. It was the start of the Garden State repelling me.
• Hold on, this is a Larry Cohen flick so let’s double check…nope, no Michael Moriarty – we can proceed.
• Well the Bernard Hermann music seems good so far, although the main title sounds like it should be in a Godzilla movie.
• Who is Frank imitating here to make his son laugh? He sounds like Billy West from Disenchanted.
• Jesus Larry, let the characters finish their fucking lines before you fade out on them.
• Checking into a maternity ward in the 70’s just involved you walking up to the desk and saying, “I’m having my baby.”
• This scene between Frank and the Scottish nurse is making me think that this movie has no script whatsoever.
• The ironic foreshadowing in the wife’s hospital room is so thick you need an aqualung to breathe.
• Walking through hospital hallways with a lit Marlboro hanging from your lips. The 70’s were made for men who wanted to go where the flavor was no matter what.
• A 10-11 pound baby? That screams C-Section to me right Doc? Hello? I don’t have kids.
• When your baby kills every doctor and nurse in the delivery room, why would the first question you scream be, “What does it look like?”
  
  

  When Lenore was told to push, she pushed.

• She was looking into an abortion in the 8th month? Seems a tad brutal and would have made this movie extremely short.
• Those rustling bushes outside of the hospital must have inspired Spielberg to use the barrels in Jaws.
• The news is already reporting that the Davis’ baby is responsible for the massacre at the hospital. Did Dahmer’s parents get that much press?
• The next morning, the baby kills a woman who clearly was on her way to work as a dancer at the Whiskey A-Go-Go in 1967.
• Frank’s boss looks like Ernest Borgnine fucked Tim Conway.
• Another dead body in the bushes! This baby doesn’t mess around.
• The baby’s POV hurts my eyes a bit. Cohen really wanted you to remember that it was a mutant.
• There were still milkmen in the early 70’s? Doesn’t matter, the baby kills him.
• I was hoping Cohen would mix blood into all of this spilt milk for a weird Psycho shower-scene homage. And he did.
• This movie actually has a pretty good take on the old annoying, “Frankenstein-is-really-the-name-of-the-doctor” argument.
  
  
• Holy shit, I have never seen a fully carpeted kitchen before.
  
  
• That falling piñata in the cellar was a very good jump scare.
• Oh, so this is social commentary on birth control and fertility drugs. Shitty horror movies that have a solid morally conscious backbone are very rare these days.
• Where the fuck are all of these cops running to? Half the force is at an apartment complex, and the rest are running around a playground.
• Six cops carry out another dead body like it was a drunk guy at a frat party. Have these pigs not heard of forensics?
• They’ve tracked the baby to a classroom in a middle school. I hope it wrote “Samhain” on the blackboard in blood.
• The Davis baby takes out L.A.’s most inept officer, then avoids an absolute hailstorm of gunfire unscathed. Who knew thalidomide made you Rambo-stealthy?
• Cthulhu fhtagn may these last thirty minutes go by swiftly.
• Is it me or is this movie focusing more on Frank’s revulsion of the baby than Lenore’s emotional damage from spawning it? It almost seems she has hardly any screen time.
• I miss those old school TV Guides.
• The kid playing Chris (the Davis’ other son) looks like a miniature Don Coscarelli. Who says hello by the way, Brad.
• All of the milk in the house has been drunk and all of the meat in the freezer has been eaten. This baby ain’t kosher – literally and figuratively.
  
  

  The movie’s underlying message?

• This movie has some of the worst editing I have ever seen.
• I knew the baby was gonna kill Chris’ cat. Fucking little piece of shit.
• The baby ate Uncle Charlie’s throat! Well that’s what he gets for wearing so much red clothing all the time. I dunno either, I just want this month to end.
• Tell me the truth now that we’re winding down here – this movie was entirely improvised right?
• The doctor arrives at the house, looks at the baby’s blood trail, and says that our troubles are very nearly over.
• With 17:25 left to go, I can only hope the sumbitch is right.
• It’s good thing Los Angeles has that huge aqueduct/sewer complex. Without it Grease and Blue Thunder would have lost very pivotal scenes.
• What the fuck accent does this doctor have?
  
  

  Of my dear kinsman! Prince, as thou art true, For blood of ours shed blood of Montague. – Romeo & Juliet Act 3 Scene 1.

• Frank’s acting is pure shit, but he can turn on the tears quicker than Deidre Hall. I can’t fucking believe I made that joke.
• Between the baby’s shrieks and the police sirens in the tunnels, it sounds like someone is trying to scare away Tusken Raiders.
• Frank faces down the police force with their guns drawn, begging them to just study the wounded baby and not hurt him – but then throws the baby onto the doctor with the weird accent and they both get shot to death. To quote the Joker, even to a guy like me that’s cold.
• As the cops drive the Davis’ home, they’re told that another mutant baby has been born in Seattle.
  
  

Was it Entertaining: 

Any Good Gore: Some very scarce blood.

Any Nudity: Not. One. Bit.

Best Quote: “We’re not talking about a retarded kid, we’re talking about a monstrosity of some kind.” Coincidentally spoken by Fred Trump on June 14, 1946.

Best Scene: Watching a terrible actor trying to take a drink from a water fountain that was built for sixth graders.

Worst Scene: Actually, any scene involving the stupid baby puppet. The close-ups were Rick Baker’s chick in a costume – but the static puppet that ran around everywhere was pretty lackluster.

Final Thoughts: Arguably one of the most famous entries in Larry Cohen’s oeuvre, It’s Alive is pretty dull. The commercial warned you to not see it alone, I would have warned you not to see it on any form of downer, and due to its shit editing – not to see it if you suffered from epilepsy. 

Score: 5 completely phoned in Rick Baker monster effects (out of ten)