It’s Alive (1974)
What’s This About: A mutant baby causes moderate havoc in Los Angeles.
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
- That commercial used to scare the absolute piss out of me back then.
- I remember seeing the poster for this movie in the Paramus Park Mall in the mid 70’s. It was the start of the Garden State repelling me.
- Hold on, this is a Larry Cohen flick so let’s double check…nope, no Michael Moriarty – we can proceed.
- Well the Bernard Hermann music seems good so far, although the main title sounds like it should be in a Godzilla movie.
- Who is Frank imitating here to make his son laugh? He sounds like Billy West from Disenchanted.
- Jesus Larry, let the characters finish their fucking lines before you fade out on them.
- Checking into a maternity ward in the 70’s just involved you walking up to the desk and saying, “I’m having my baby.”
- This scene between Frank and the Scottish nurse is making me think that this movie has no script whatsoever.
- The ironic foreshadowing in the wife’s hospital room is so thick you need an aqualung to breathe.
- Walking through hospital hallways with a lit Marlboro hanging from your lips. The 70’s were made for men who wanted to go where the flavor was no matter what.
- A 10-11 pound baby? That screams C-Section to me right Doc? Hello? I don’t have kids.
- When your baby kills every doctor and nurse in the delivery room, why would the first question you scream be, “What does it look like?”
- She was looking into an abortion in the 8th month? Seems a tad brutal and would have made this movie extremely short.
- Those rustling bushes outside of the hospital must have inspired Spielberg to use the barrels in Jaws.
- The news is already reporting that the Davis’ baby is responsible for the massacre at the hospital. Did Dahmer’s parents get that much press?
- The next morning, the baby kills a woman who clearly was on her way to work as a dancer at the Whiskey A-Go-Go in 1967.
- Frank’s boss looks like Ernest Borgnine fucked Tim Conway.
- Another dead body in the bushes! This baby doesn’t mess around.
- The baby’s POV hurts my eyes a bit. Cohen really wanted you to remember that it was a mutant.
- There were still milkmen in the early 70’s? Doesn’t matter, the baby kills him.
- I was hoping Cohen would mix blood into all of this spilt milk for a weird Psycho shower-scene homage. And he did.
- This movie actually has a pretty good take on the old annoying, “Frankenstein-is-really-the-name-of-the-doctor” argument.
- Holy shit, I have never seen a fully carpeted kitchen before.
- That falling piñata in the cellar was a very good jump scare.
- Oh, so this is social commentary on birth control and fertility drugs. Shitty horror movies that have a solid morally conscious backbone are very rare these days.
- Where the fuck are all of these cops running to? Half the force is at an apartment complex, and the rest are running around a playground.
- Six cops carry out another dead body like it was a drunk guy at a frat party. Have these pigs not heard of forensics?
- They’ve tracked the baby to a classroom in a middle school. I hope it wrote “Samhain” on the blackboard in blood.
- The Davis baby takes out L.A.’s most inept officer, then avoids an absolute hailstorm of gunfire unscathed. Who knew thalidomide made you Rambo-stealthy?
- Cthulhu fhtagn may these last thirty minutes go by swiftly.
- Is it me or is this movie focusing more on Frank’s revulsion of the baby than Lenore’s emotional damage from spawning it? It almost seems she has hardly any screen time.
- I miss those old school TV Guides.
- The kid playing Chris (the Davis’ other son) looks like a miniature Don Coscarelli. Who says hello by the way, Brad.
- All of the milk in the house has been drunk and all of the meat in the freezer has been eaten. This baby ain’t kosher – literally and figuratively.
- This movie has some of the worst editing I have ever seen.
- I knew the baby was gonna kill Chris’ cat. Fucking little piece of shit.
- The baby ate Uncle Charlie’s throat! Well that’s what he gets for wearing so much red clothing all the time. I dunno either, I just want this month to end.
- Tell me the truth now that we’re winding down here – this movie was entirely improvised right?
- The doctor arrives at the house, looks at the baby’s blood trail, and says that our troubles are very nearly over.
- With 17:25 left to go, I can only hope the sumbitch is right.
- It’s good thing Los Angeles has that huge aqueduct/sewer complex. Without it Grease and Blue Thunder would have lost very pivotal scenes.
- What the fuck accent does this doctor have?
- Frank’s acting is pure shit, but he can turn on the tears quicker than Deidre Hall. I can’t fucking believe I made that joke.
- Between the baby’s shrieks and the police sirens in the tunnels, it sounds like someone is trying to scare away Tusken Raiders.
- Frank faces down the police force with their guns drawn, begging them to just study the wounded baby and not hurt him – but then throws the baby onto the doctor with the weird accent and they both get shot to death. To quote the Joker, even to a guy like me that’s cold.
- As the cops drive the Davis’ home, they’re told that another mutant baby has been born in Seattle.
Was it Entertaining:
Any Good Gore: Some very scarce blood.
Any Nudity: Not. One. Bit.
Best Quote: “We’re not talking about a retarded kid, we’re talking about a monstrosity of some kind.” Coincidentally spoken by Fred Trump on June 14, 1946.
Best Scene: Watching a terrible actor trying to take a drink from a water fountain that was built for sixth graders.
Worst Scene: Actually, any scene involving the stupid baby puppet. The close-ups were Rick Baker’s chick in a costume – but the static puppet that ran around everywhere was pretty lackluster.
Final Thoughts: Arguably one of the most famous entries in Larry Cohen’s oeuvre, It’s Alive is pretty dull. The commercial warned you to not see it alone, I would have warned you not to see it on any form of downer, and due to its shit editing – not to see it if you suffered from epilepsy.
Score: 5 completely phoned in Rick Baker monster effects (out of ten)
Frank’s acting is pure shit, but he can turn on the tears quicker than Deidre Hall. I can’t fucking believe I made that joke.
I don’t even get that joke, even after googling Deidre Hall, yet I still LOL’d
I think she was once known as the soap star who could cry the fastest out of nowhere. I haven’t watched an episode of Days Of Our Lives since 1986, but I think I’m not that far off.
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