Birds of Prey (2020)
New on home video on demand today is Birds of Prey which is about a flock of lady birds who are lousy with worms not the kind birds eat but the parasite kind and they are also lousy with COVID-19 although they don’t even know it because birds don’t have tests for that but they’re really bored one day and are like “Hey let’s spread our worms around to all the humans we can that would be a good idea” so they fly around and shit into every open human mouth they can find and then the humans kiss each other with tongue and spread it around and some spit on kids’ food and then kids spit on old people from the overpass and the COVID-19 spreads out of control but it’s really the worms that are way worse but fortunately there is a cure for worms but unfortunately it involves a vacuum cleaner and a fork and that’s something you really don’t want to know about but this movie is basically a documentary about that.
New on home video on demand today is Bloodshot which is the story of a moron from Arkansas who heard the president say that COVID-19 could be cured by drinking a shot of blood from a snake infected by deadly toxins from cancer-infested rats and of course this idiot immediately dies and the rest of the movie is kind of like an Erin Brokovich deal where his wife tries to bring the company who gave the rats cancer that made the snake’s blood toxic to justice but it’s a little different because she’s topless the entire time thinking that will persuade the company executives to get on her side but honestly her body isn’t that great and she’d been crying a lot so her eyes were really red so nothing really happens.
The Way Back (2020)
New on home video on demand today is The Way Back which is the story of an alcoholic scientist who is sick and tired of sheltering at home so he invents a time machine out of his washing machine that takes him to “the way back” before COVID-19 hit but he’s so drunk he forgot to disinfect the washing machine so when he arrives in the past the washing machine’s spin cycle spins the virus into the air right where the Birds of Prey are nesting giving them all COVID-19 and worms and the scientist is the first one who gets his mouth shit in so he rubs his eyes then looks at his bottle then tosses it over his shoulder but then he realizes it’s 98% alcohol so he rubs it all over his hands and mouth to sanitize himself but it’s far too late for that so he tries that bloodshot thing and that obviously doesn’t work either but the president sees him do it because he was in the same park looking for the bigfoot and runs off and tells everyone that he saw a cure and it worked beautifully even though the scientist died in front of his eyes but it doesn’t matter he just wants to open his golf course again so he can make money to buy golf clubs that he believes will keep the bigfoot away and instead of helping people he creates the Bigfoot Force to hunt down and destroy the bigfoot once and for all but it turns out that it’s bigfoot feces that eradicates COVID-19 so that wasn’t helpful but it turns out the bigfoot was never real anyway it’s real confusing times.