Hello and Welcome to our newest category: SCHLOCK WATCH! Schlocktoberfest is always a high point for Hard Ticket to Home Video so we decided that reviewing only horror flicks just isn’t enough sadomasochism and we should be covering all the genres like Sci-Fi, Action/Adventure, Post-Nuke, Kung-Fu flicks, Rape/Revenge flicks, Blaxploitation flicks, Movies about Gladiators, etc! May Crom have mercy on our souls.
The Dungeonmaster (1984)
Schlock Category: Sci-Fi, Action/Adventure, Fantasy, Horror
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
- I think this movie started in the middle.
- Less than five minutes in and there’s already full frontal nudity.
- Big Jim Slade!!
- Wait that wasn’t a dream?
- It’s called Ragewar? I thought it was called The Dungeonmaster? Ragewar sounds so dumb and cool at the same time.
- So this is an psuedo-anthology movie and it looks like there’s like seven directors per sequence but this movies only 77 minutes long so how long are the sequences?
- The main guy is an android…I think. He can “read” computers and can control them. He gets free money from the ATM and changes traffic lights.
- Why does 80s exercise look so much sexy than today’s workouts?!
- Also what does this have to do with the movie?
- That was dancing? It seriously looked like aerobics.
- Atari’s Defender poster!
- Hey dumbass, you give the ring to the lady when you actually propose not an hour later and say casually that you forgot about it.
- I have that dream all the time too.
- Richard Moll!! Doing a pretty good Emperor Palpatine impression. But with a Dracula cape.
- Excalibrate? Paul’s call-sign is Excalibrate. Ech.
- Moll says he can use his “machines” to combat Mastema. But then thinks they’re magic.
- Oh it’s not an anthology movie but Paul has a series of quests or tests and each one has a different director. Kinda cool idea. I’m sure they all suck sideways though.
- Now I’m getting a Waxwork vibe.
- “Looks like every criminal in the world is here.” And Albert Einstein for some reason. Probably for all the embezzling he did.
- I’m still not sure what that dream sequence in the beginning with the girl being naked had to do with the movie. In fact, if they cut it out making this a PG movie it would be perfect for kids. The effects and sound effects are hokey 80s cheese and remind me of Saturday morning cartoons.
- I’m wondering how many geeks got seriously pissed off that this had nothing at all to do with Dungeon’s & Dragons.
- Great puppet goblin.
- Mastema and Paul both make dragons made out of light to fight each other in the sky but after only a few seconds they disappear.
- “You like this noise? Then you shall have your fill of it!”
- W.A.S.P.!! YES!!!!! If they play “Fuck Like a Beast” I’ll shit myself.
- So is Paul’s challenge in this test to just listen to W.A.S.P. play live? Dude, that’s not a challenge. That’s an honor.
- I don’t know who plays Gwen, Paul’s fiancé but she looks great and is always scantily clad in each and every sequence.
- Blackie Lawless should’ve played the dungeonmaster!
- I’m not sure how he defeated Blackie Lawless and W.A.S.P. but he just made them disappear. The way he succeeds in these challenges are not really explained. His magic computer skills just “work” for him. This would be so much better if we knew his thought process, skill level, or problem solving ways.
- Need an adorable, seemingly harmless thieving scamp in your 80s movie? Hire a little person.
- Cool. Ray Harryhausen-like stop motion effects.
- Will riches and gems pursued Paul to quitting and letting Mastema win Gwen? Hell no! Will 3 lovely concubines? Maaaybe. He only says no after Gwen reminds him she’s there too. Hahaha.
- Every sequence previous has been in the fantasy realm of sorts. Now he’s in the modern times trying to solve a murder mystery. Not that anything is wrong with that but just seems such a huge leap.
- The slasher that Paul is suppose to apprehend uses surgeons scalpel as his weapon of choice. That’s not an easy weapon to wield. He may as well use an exacto knife.
- Paul is trying to use the computer to locate Gwen. He forgot she’s a dancer.
- I just realized that this sequence is ripping off The Terminator.
- So glad she got the part!
- “What is this word, zap?”
- This next sequence has Paul outwit a goblin kid by simply waiting it out until the goblin accidentally kills himself with a cave-in. It’s as thrilling as it sounds.
- Now Mestema is sitting on a throne reflecting on his good ‘ol days. I think he’s giving up. Or he plans on boring Paul and Gwen to death.
- Now they’re ripping off Mad Max with a post-nuke future sequence. Actually more like Star Wars with the raiders looking like Sand People with a Jawa-like little raider that speaks like a Tauntaun.
- Gwen totally blasted that midget’s pinewood derby car.
- There is zero point to these sequences.
- That was a riveting final battle between Paul and Mestema duking it out. It was basically 2 punches thrown and them strangling each other over a cliff until Mestema kills himself by falling.
- And of course Deus ex Machina with Paul’s computer saving him. Boring.
- And that’s it. They just reappear at home and plan to get married. The end.
Exploitation Level (Gore, Nudity, Etc.): There was the extremely pointless introduction sequence that had absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the movie but it did show T&A.
Best Scene: I’m not going to lie, the movie is atrocious. However, any movie that has a sequence devoted entirely to W.A.S.P. playing villains while they play their song: “Tormentor” is easily going to get a slight recommendation.
Worst Scene: The slasher sequence is terribly slow, makes very little sense and isn’t interesting at all. AT ALL! Plus its the only sequence that isn’t sci-fi or fantasy which makes it very out of place with the rest of the picture. Looking at imdb trivia this was directed by Steven Ford and this was his first and only directing gig ever. I mean, to be perfectly honest, all the sequences were horrible but the fact that this one was directed by a one-and-done guy needs to be singled out.
Best Line: Mestema: “In a future reality I shall destroy you!”
Paul: “Well, I reject your reality and substitute my own!” I’m going to start using that line from now on. “I’m sorry sir but per store policy you have to pay for those groceries.” “Well, I reject your policy and substitute my own!”
Well How Schlocky Is It?: Very. It’s wall-to-wall schlock and even stars Schlock maestro Richard Moll. If a flick stars Moll you’re more than guaranteed that it’s cheesy and entertainingly bad. The effects are crappy but charming and the action and violence is on a grade-school level of appropriateness. If I had seen this back in 1985 it would’ve easily been one of my favorite movies. Despite all its flaws (For which there are many) it’s a fun watch. I just wish I watched this with some friends.