The Godsend (1980)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: An Omen knockoff starring the most aloof and un-rattled family I have ever seen.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Donald Pleasence’s daughter is in this movie so I guess she will be hunting down Michelle Myers?
• A movie that is executively produced by Golan & Globus seldom turns out to be a godsend.
• This movie is not based on the novel, it is from the novel. Like it’s a loose library card that fell out of it.
• Is one of these kids Johnny Whitaker?
• Angela Pleasence looks exactly like her old man.
• She also hasn’t blinked in over 7 minutes.
• And now she just gave what has to be the easiest birth ever filmed.
• Kate is throwing around her breasts for the baby’s feeding faster than Salma Hayek.
• Neither Kate nor Alan seem to be really that upset when their infant son dies. I know the British are considered to be more reserved, but not even a “bloody hell’ or a “what’s all this then?”
• I wish one of these kids would say, “Look Mommy, there’s an airplane up in the sky.” I’m just bored, sorry.
• Another son murdered, another evil look from the demon child, Kate and Alan are again holding the body of their dead kid; and they merely look like they can’t find their fucking car keys.
• Bonnie sure does have this couple in her pocket.
  

  “I had a child with this pale, blank, emotionless face…”

• This is one helluva boring evil kid movie.
• A nice family game of hide-and-seek results in the third son’s death. At this point I’ll chalk up the parents’ somewhat blasé response to bad acting, but why the hell is Child Services not pounding on their door asking “Alright, what the fuck?”
• Whoever makes the smaller sized coffins in this town must love this family by now.
• Kate is finally starting to show some human signs of grief.
• Alan gives a nosy reporter a sound “bugger off!” Looks like he finally got to anger on the grief spectrum. Better late than never I suppose.
  

  Do I really have to finish the rest of this movie? I’m calling in sick today.

• If you think about it, after an hour into “The Omen” Atticus Finch knew that Damian was an evil fuck and began the proceedings to deal with him appropriately.
• Not only has Bonnie gotten even creepier with age, she is now a cockblocker as well.
• Bonnie gives Alan the mumps because it causes sterility in men – but since she likes to kill siblings so much you would think she would be an advocate of reproduction.
• British decorum takes over once again when Alan learns of Kate’s miscarriage. After the nurse tells him what happened his response is, “really?”
• Yeah, just leave the demon seed on a rocky beach and walk away – that should do it.
• To put it mildly, Kate really has some serious Stockholm Syndrome shit going on.
• Pleasence shows up again at the end, very pregnant and walking off with another family. Alan screams that the cycle is going to start again, but loses her in the park. The whole circle of life thing really eludes this guy doesn’t it?

She has something to say, she killed your babies today.

Scare Level: Not scary in the traditional sense, but watching Kate and Alan’s ho-hum-ness as their children are picked off one by one can be unsettling to some.

Gore Level: There’s some blood on Lucy’s face after she takes a header out of her apartment, but other than that not really.

Nudity Level: Zilch.

Best Line: “Do you know what a cuckoo does? It lays its egg in another bird’s nest. And do you know what the fledgling does? It pushes the others out, one after the other, until it has the complete attention of the parents. That’s Bonnie. Bonnie must go.” Well all right if you’re gonna bring cuckoos into this Alan, so be it.

Best Scene: When Alan, with the utmost British pride and dignity, loudly announces that he’s sterile.

Worst Scene: The vasoline-smeared-camera shots of Alan trying to ditch Bonnie on the beach like she’s a stray dog you’re trying get rid of.

Level of Hell: Watching Bonnie give Alan the mumps by kissing him on the lips and breathing into his mouth was one of the most disturbing things I had the pleasure of seeing this month. Kate’s complete refusal to see the signs and clues when her sons are killed is enough to make you crazy, and enough to give this movie the level it deserves:

Overall: It seems the novel, which this movie came from, was written during the height of The Omen’s popularity, so naturally you’re going to get inferior copies of a hit movie. This was another one that strayed a bit from the overall theme of this year’s Schlocktoberfest, I will say that this movie has a very odd vibe to it –like how you feel in those last few minutes before you fall asleep. Then again vodka and boredom are not the best mixers.

Score: 3 Leftover Blonde Fright Wigs From The Village Of The Damned (out of 10)