Dragonfight (1990)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

Director: Warren A. Stevens (Eagles Law, Highway Warrior, Lone Tiger—Stevens was a stuntman prior to directing bear that in mind. He’s no Hal Needham!)

Schlock Category: Action/Adventure, Sci-fi/Fantasy

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Always good sign when the production company is named after the actual picture.
• Starring Robert Z’Dar. His chin got second-billing.
• There’s narration to this flick by a very southern gentleman. If it had banjos playing it would’ve sounded like a Dukes of Hazzard episode.
• James Hong!!
• This China Club is a real happening place. A real bee-hive of activity.
• “Drop dead meat whacker!”
• “Hey asshole, you don’t look too tough.”
  “Oh yeah?”
  Great screenwriting by the way.
• I don’t care how tough you think you are, you probably don’t want to randomly start a street fight with Robert Z’Dar.
• The music sounds like a Nintendo video game score.
• So the protagonist fighter, Falchion, doesn’t want to be a pawn in the corporation gladiatorial fight and decides to just quit. But he just got to the fighting area. Couldn’t he have quit before getting dropped off?
• Hahahaha. Z’Dar’s costume is nothing unlike a medieval knight with chain mail and battle ax. He looks even more ridiculous. Especially fighting like that in a desert. All Falchion needs to do is wait until Z’Dar collapses from heat exhaustion.
• “There is no default in Dragonfight!”
• I wonder how many WWF wrestlers turned down roles to star in this dreck.
• So even though Falchion doesn’t want to participate and fight, he has to regardless to defend himself against Z’Dar anyway making his plan completely null and void.
• How are these corporate goons watching the fighting close up? Where are the camera’s?! Falchion and Z’Dar are in the middle of the desert.
• So it’s nighttime when Michael Paré is talking on the phone but the next shot is still daylight in the desert.
• Holy shit! It’s Red from Back to the Future! And he’s the narrator!!
• Red tells the girl that she ought to drive because he’s been drinkin’ but she was originally driving before they stopped to talk to Falchion.
• Charles Napier! Falchion’s going to look awfully funny eating corn on the cob with no fuckin’ teeth!
• I’m slowly realizing that there’s not going to be any dragons in this movie called Dragonfight. Yet I’m only slightly disappointed.
• So the Dragonfighters do mortal combat in the middle of a desert. Meanwhile innocent bystanders and travelers are coming and going alongside the battle area. And Z’Dar is slaughtering anyone that comes his way. So my question is, is Dragonfight legal or just an underground corporate thing? What happens to the victor? They didn’t explain any of the rules or limits to this stupid game.
• Crazy drunk Dragonfighters.
• Wait. Is Falchion jacking up a pick-up truck with his hands? Is he a superhero?!
• Red would’ve made a damn fine Teddy Roosevelt.
• Now I’m really confused to why Napier is attacking a helicopter. I’m not even sure who’s in the helicopter.
• “Aw hell you know me Mooch, I was best man at your wedding remember? [Belch] oh yeah you weren’t there were you?” Hahaha.
• Red made another “he’s been drinking, you better drive” joke.

• OK so why the hell is it called Dragonfight? And why do they fight with medieval weapons?
• Another drunk driving joke! And I’m still not sick of it.
• Falchion defeats Z’Dar within seconds! Z’Dar doesn’t even connect one hit and dies when he’s thrown on his ax blade. These are the worst fighters imaginable!
• But some sorceress brings him back to life! Yeah I forgot to mention the playboy model sorceress. Sorry.
• How in the hell did Z’Dar catch up to Falchion and the woman so fast?!
• Now Falchion is giving a lame hamfisted speech about how corporate America is greedy and controlling all of our lives and he fighting or not fighting has no bearing on changing anything.
• Awesome 80s synth song traveling music! Dun-Dun…Dun-Dun…Dun-Dun-Dunnnnnn!!
• So let me get this straight. Z’Dar is killing people to coax Falchion to fight. But Falchion doesn’t want to fight but he want to help his new friends. Well if he kills Z’Dar then he would help his friends. It’s a vicious circle now isn’t it?
• And again, Falchion kills Z’Dar with an avalanche. And again the sorceress brings him back. This is totally like a video game and Z’Dar just has extra lives.
• I’m very surprised and flummoxed about how many people are hanging around the desert on this day.
• So Falchion won’t fight Z’Dar in front of the cameras for the corporate goons satisfaction but really has no problem killing him either. But the sorceress keeps resurrecting Z’Dar every time he dies. This is so dumb.
• It’s Red vs. Z’Dar! Sadly Red meets the business end of Z’Dar’s ax. Please say something about being drunk or drinking before you die Red.
• Hahaha. He requested a beer before he croaks!
• And now it’s Napier vs. Z’Dar. Napier is lasting a lot longer than Red.
• The fight choreography is as skilled and apt as a high school production of Macbeth. They seriously look like children playing with cardboard swords.

• Aw shit. Z’Dar had a hidden dagger in the ax hilt this whole time!
• Alright. Falchion’s had enough and is ready to fight. But it’s out of the range of the TV cameras!!
• The one corporate goon said he’s leaving before the FEDs show up. So is Dragonfighting illegal after all? That doesn’t explain the whole televised thing or that this has been happening for a while. Unless he meant the shady and illegal gambling part. I really don’t know.
• Why did the helicopter land right in front of their battle? And no one was a passenger in the chopper either. Falchion just threw Z’Dar’s face into the tail blades and the chopper took off right after. Now that’s very funny.
• I just realized that this screenwriter was also responsible for the Hard Ticket to Home Video fan favorite: R.O.T.O.R.!!!! Suddenly this all makes more sense and propels the film in a whole new echelon of greatness.

Exploitation Level (Gore, Nudity, Etc.): None really. The closest we see of nudity is that sorceress played by Fawna McLaren’s cleavage. She was Playboy’s Playmate of the Month for January 1989. But we only see her busty cleavage. Lame. And there’s hardly any blood or gore despite Z’Dar going berserk with an ax. DragonLame!

Best Scene: Any scene with George ‘Buck’ Flower and his hard drinkin’ and hard livin’ lifestyle. But seriously, this movie is chock full o’ bad scenes.

Worst Scene: Any of the fight scenes because I am not joking or exaggerating that they look so amateurish and unprofessional at best. 

Best Line: “But you guys can still win. Or you can lose!” So deep and profound!

Well How Schlocky Is It?: This is the very essence of pure unfiltered cold-brewed Schlock. Drink it up schlockers because it doesn’t get much better than this. It was stupid, it was lame, it was terribly acted and the action scenes were beyond dumb and inept. I had a ton of fun watching this and the fact that this was written by the genius behind R.O.T.O.R. only makes me wish he made more flicks but sadly these are his only two claims to schlock fame. With Robert Z’Dar and his immortal chin you can’t go wrong with pure cheesy masterpieces and Dragonfight gives us cheese in spades. Grab a few friends and prepare yourselves for a grand ‘ol time!