Tomorrow officially and unofficially kicks off the summer movie season! Let’s take a look at some of the upcoming disappointments that will waste our time, money and energy. Shall we….? 

(MAY 6) Captain America: Civil War

Even the most mediocre Marvel movies (Ant-Man, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Thor: The Dark World) are way more fun to watch than anything DC comics has made in a decade. As long as there are no “Marthas” in this superhero vs. superhero flick than it should be a home run. They just better not fuck up Spidey.

(MAY 13) The Lobster

I’d only see this if Colin Farrell battled giant lobster monsters while at a Hyannisport country club.

(MAY 20) The Nice Guys

I’ve seen this trailer a few times now and I just can’t care enough to see this. It is written and directed by Shane Black so maybe I should.

(MAY 20) Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising

I still haven’t seen the first Neighbors. But I can’t see the difference at all between them at all judging from both of their trailers. 

(MAY 20) The Angry Birds Movie

How is this still a thing?

(MAY 27) Alice Through the Looking Glass

Is this directed by Tim Burton? No? Oh yeah? Nah, still not interested.

(MAY 27) X-Men: Apocalypse

In this latest installment of the X-Men franchise we finally learn the truth on how Professor X lost his hair. 

(JUNE 10) Now You See Me 2

I will never see you. 

(JUNE 10) Warcraft

This looks like ass. The kind of dank dirty putrid ass that belongs to the fat disgusting dorks that still play Warcraft for hours on end in their parent’s basement.

(JUNE 17) Central Intelligence

Look I’m sure Kevin Hart is a great guy and a funny comedian but this guy is like Melissa McCarthy who everyone loves yet can’t make a decent comedy. The only intelligence I can see from this crap is in who DOESN’T pay money to see it.

(JUNE 17) Finding Dory

Hopefully this will wash away all the memories of the awful The Good Dinosaur. 

(JUNE 24) Independence Day: Resurgence

20 years ago I couldn’t wait to see the original and truth be told I haven’t seen the original since. Like high school, ID4 has a a lot of uncomfortable and awkward memories for me and even 20 years later I have no reason or interest in revisiting it.

(JUNE 29) The Shallows

Let’s see what this movie offers: Blake Lively surfing in a bikini and being attacked by a great white in a fight for her life while stranded on a buoy. This trailer alone looks better than Jaws: The Revenge. Actually it looks better than most of the movies coming out this summer. Here, take my money. I just wish that the trailer didn’t give so much away. I feel like the only thing we don’t know about her struggle is the last 15 minutes.

(JULY 1) The Legend of Tarzan

Like The Lone Ranger totally worked out so this should too.

(JULY 1) The BFG

Well on the one hand it’s Spielberg. But on the other hand Spielberg hasn’t made a great movie in a long time. This looks like something Robert Zemeckis would make. And the CGI face of Mark Rylance looks comical. But it maybe looks like there might be a brawl between giants in this film and that counts for something.

(JULY 8) The Secret Life of Pets

Looks harmless enough. Just as long as the plot isn’t the pets banding together and doing espionage type shenanigans than I’ll be fine.

(JULY 15) Ghostbusters

So who will get the blame when this movie tanks? Men? Women? Ghosts?

(JULY 22) Star Trek Beyond

I totally forgot that this was coming out this summer. 

(JULY 29) Bad Moms

They lost me once I saw “From the Writers of The Hangover.” What is it with comedies and the word “Bad?” Bad Santa, Bad Teacher, Bad Grandpa, Bad Words, Superbad, Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans.

(JULY 29) Jason Bourne

Paul Greengrass. Matt Damon. Yeah sure why the hell not. But I’m so annoyed at the title. It’s going in the Sylvester Stallone route with naming a much later sequel with just the protagonists’ name like Rocky Balboa (really Rocky 6), Rambo (really Rambo 4). I liked how the other Bourne movies were titled. The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy. Couldn’t they call this The Bourne (something) as well? Just looks very lazy.

(AUGUST 5) Suicide Squad

I just can’t wait for this movie to come out so people can stop talking about it and how “into” character Jared Leto got to play The Joker. I’m not going to guess how well this movie will do because part of me feels like it could be a great surprise (like Fury Road or Jurassic World was last year). But another part of me thinks that this is a complete misfire from DC comics like all the other misfires. Either way, my stakes are not high for this being good or not and I couldn’t really care any less. Just stop telling me how amazing Jared Leto is because at the end of the day he’s starring along side a character called Killer Croc. This isn’t Shakespeare folks.

(AUGUST 5) The Founder

I just hope the film explains why McDonald’s discontinued the McD.L.T.! But it’s Michael Keaton so I’m sure I’ll see it…eventually. Probably around Oscar season. 

(AUGUST 12) Pete’s Dragon

This film just reeks of Where the Wild Things Are and I COMPLETELY HATED Where the Wild Things Are.

(AUGUST 12) Sausage Party

I do love sausage but this looks like a one-note kinda joke about food learning the horrible truth that humans eat them. Seems like it would be a great 12-minute sketch but not for a feature-length film. 

(AUGUST 19) War Dogs

It stars Miles Teller and directed by Todd Phillips so I will have to pass.

(AUGUST 19) Ben-Hur

From the director of such hits as Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Wanted comes the remake of the beloved film classic starring a nobody and Toby Kebbell, star of the hits: Fantastic Four, Wrath of the Titans and Prince of Persia, I’m sure this will set the box office on fire!