*DINO-SPOILERS BELOW!*

BRAD: Well I thoroughly enjoyed this picture and I don’t have too much to nitpick about it. And I’m glad the younger kid didn’t say something completely unbelievable like “I’ve read your book.”

BRIAN: Because he can’t read! Notice how he was never shown reading anything throughout the whole picture.

BRAD: Not true. He said he googled his parents’ lawyers to find out that they were divorce lawyers.

Speaking of, why was that a plot point? Their parents going the divorce didn’t matter at all.

BRIAN: He had a friend help him. And the website had this picture on it.

I really don’t know. Their parents didn’t need to be in it whatsoever. Maybe it was a callback to Jurassic Park 3.

BRAD: Have you seen that kid? I don’t think he had any friends.

I think Spielberg just can’t make a movie featuring families that don’t go through a parental crisis or feature good parents.

BRIAN: The Brodys were good parents. So were the Lincolns.

BRAD: Yeah the Brody’s were great folks actually. Until Martin fell in love with the shark and ran away with it and leaving Ellen so devastated that she told everyone he died of a heart attack because she was so embarrassed.

BRIAN: But then the spurned shark came back and took revenge on the entire family and Michael Caine.

BRAD: And that older brother had a very pretty good-looking girlfriend at home. And he is trying to get something extra at Jurassic World. What a dog!

BRIAN: Yeah that kid was a real gigolo. Imagine though if his character was a girl, and she left her boyfriend behind to bat her eyes and every dude she saw at the park. She’d be labeled a shameful slut, and be forced to publicly exit the park while people pelted her with produce.

BRAD: The other scene that bugged me was when the kids fixed up a 2-decade-old Jeep. It didn’t matter in the least if they fixed it or not—the vehicle could’ve still be functional and got them back. We didn’t need to know they are “handy.” It’s less likely kids under the driving age would know dick under the hood and just as less that same kid knowing how to drive stick!

BRIAN: Yeah after 20 years in the jungle climate most of the engine would have been rotted. The gazzoline would have been no good too.

BRAD: And speaking of that scene, how many times did the Indominus sneak down slowly to a human hiding around a corner and smell nothing? Like 3?

BRIAN: I think twice. And the older boy never got the pussy he was after.

BRAD: He did but it was a pterodactyl.

BRIAN: And those hamster balls, could some asshole kids just keep bumping them into a triceratops?

BRAD: Jimmy Fallon would assume control if the kids abused the wildlife. Like a JohnnieCab.

BRIAN: True. Yet he stood idly by and did nothing.

BRAD: He was malfunctioning!! Like the actual Jimmy Fallon.

BRIAN: I’m amazed the black guy survived, but he really served zero purpose.

BRAD: Whatever happened to him anyway? Was he still stranded in the jungle?

BRIAN: He managed to get out of the log.

BRAD: Yeah but he was left behind! I totally forgot about him. He was probably devoured by the raptors before they returned to the park.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

BRAD: I like how the whole movie was a giant metaphor for the Jurassic Park film franchise. Jurassic World‘s park attendance is dwindling because of a bored public and they have to invent new and more dangerous dinosaurs to garner more tourists. Same goes for the films. But I see the problem differently. The second Jurassic Park had pretty much more of the same than the original with maybe the only new dinos being the compys. But basically it was raptors and T-Rex’s causing the mayhem. Jurassic Park III added the Spinosaurus and Pteranodons. And now we have Indominus Rex and the giant fish dinosaur. The problem really with part II and III was pretty much a mediocre story and plot to get to the island and have dinosaur rampage. And the rampage was weak and commonplace. However, in Jurassic World we’re back to the original premise of a theme park with tourists and having “trained” raptors as well as a “I’m-getting-too-old-for-this-shit” coming out of retirement T-Rex duking it out with the Indominus Rex. It took what’s best about monster movies—Monsters fighting monsters!—and using the humans less to drive the story and that’s what made the movie worth its price. If the whole movie was humans fighting off the Indominus and other rampaging dinos than I don’t think we’d have that much of a favorable review. But getting back to my original point of bigger and badder to get more people interested, this film did that but what sets it apart from the other two sequels was the better story and exiting ending.

BRAD: The only thing that would’ve made the I-Rex cooler is if it had a scorpion tail! But yeah it was pure awesome monster mayhem summer popcorn entertainment. It brought the franchise back to its horror roots with a stalking killer monster. The creature kills for no real good reason and humans are more or less powerless to stop it. Bringing in the raptors as a last ditch effort to try to kill the beast is an awesome idea and then the film takes that notion 2 more steps further. The second half of Jurassic World is astonishing in that it totally exceeded my expectations. This summer is really shaping up to be better than last years. I think Hollywood is trying harder with these blockbusters. I hate to say it but I may have to calm down a bit with the new Terminator. Maybe, just maybe, it could be good but after Mad Max and now Jurassic World I’m going in with less trepidation now.

BRIAN: And like I said after we saw it there weren’t really any boring beats the whole time, just basically nonstop dino hunting. It delivered on what I paid to see and then some. Some people complain that it was more of the same, but how many directions can you really take a dinosaur carnage concept?

More of the same is really not seeing the forest for the trees in my opinion. We had a three-way battle royale with Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville and Starbucks being destroyed in the process. See, this is what I’m referring to with the numbed-down audience needing something bigger, badder and louder to get them interested. If people really need more than a T-Rex and a few Raptors tearing at a much larger and sinister dinosaur than I’m sorry there is no hope for you in the movie theatres. Will Jurassic World win best original screenplay at the Oscars? No way, but c’mob that was one entertaining and satisfying flick.

Jimmy Buffett should’ve played the helicopter pilot/theme park billionaire guy.

BRIAN: It was certainly a lot less disappointing than Freddy Vs. Jason.

YES! He would have been totally perfect in that role! And he could have just played himself!

BRAD: It’s now an issue of what will the producers do with this refreshed franchise now? Jurassic World ended where Jurassic Park ended—abandoned and overrun by dinosaurs.

BRIAN: Jurassic Moon!

BRAD: Maybe the next Jurassic film should be called Jurassic War! The fiendish Dr. Wu works with the US Military to develop weaponized dinosaur/human hybrids to go fight ISIS.

BRIAN: Jurassic War is an awesome idea actually. Like Dawn of the Planet of the Dinosaurs.

BRAD: Dawn of the Planet of the Dinosaurs is plausible. For a split second, I thought Blue the Raptor was going to say something when he turned to look back at Chris Pratt. “YOU’RE MY BOY BLUE!”

BRIAN: But Blue’s a girl! Some people have also been saying that females get the short shaft in Jurassic World, but Claire had the most character development of anyone and really saved the day at the end, plus all the dinos are broads. It’s actually a girl-power movie, like Fury Road.

BRAD: You’re right, all the dinos are female. I forgot about that. Maybe the all-female Ghostbusters will be awesome after all.

My Dino-Score is 9 out of 10 free-wheeling Gyrospheres!

9.25 “I’m so glad Mark Duplass and Aubrey Plaza weren’t in this movie”s out of 10!