Furious 7 (2015)
New on home video today is Furious 7 which tells the story of the Furious 7 who are a group of people who get together and give each other bee stings and wedgies and get super pissed off and then start kicking each other in the balls or boobs and one day one of them takes it too far and drives a car into another one’s balls and the other 5 get super duper pissed and push his car out of the window of a 70 story building but that 7th guy is just like “Fuck you guys watch this shit” and a parachute comes out of the trunk but the guy forgot to tie the parachute down so the parachute just floats away and he’s like “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK” all the way to the ground where he makes an impact crater the size of a bigger car and this shakes the shit out of the building and the other 6 fall out of the hole they made when they pushed the guy’s car out but they all have parachutes for real and float away to Oahu.
New on home video today is Cinderella the story of a girl named Cinderella who eats nothing but live mice every single day and like she doesn’t even need to because her family has money but it doesn’t matter because she just can’t get enough of seeing the terror in a mouse’s eyes as she slowly inserts it into her drooling mouth and feels it wriggle on her tongue as she slowly bites down on it feeling the bones crunch and the flesh pop and the blood fill her mouth and hear the mouse give one final horrified squeak and she swears sometimes she can hear the mice beg for mercy but it does no good because she will never stop and eventually word of her ghoulish behavior gets around to the prince and he brings her to the castle and says “Hey eat all the mice here because there are tons of them and they’re all diseased and shit but I don’t think you give a fuck” and she doesn’t and she has the time of her life eating every mouse she can find and the prince slowly falls in love with her even though he knows she’s pretty fucked in the head but she has great boobs and he’s the god damn prince he can do what he wants and she agrees to marry him on one condition if he’ll get the castle’s dark magick sorcerer to turn her stepmom and stepsisters into mice so he does and she picks them up and is like “Hey what now bitches” and she eats them at the wedding reception and the whole kingdom cheers even though they know it’s a little fucked up but whatever.
The Overnight (2015)
New on home video today is The Overnight which is the story of a couple who goes to a party at another couple’s house and the couple invites the couple to stay overnight and they’re like “Ok” but the couple turns out to really be raccoons in coats and they only want to take their weed because that’s been happening a lot in these movies and it’s really weird you guys but this time the couple actually has some premium smoke so the raccoons aren’t all that pissed off and let them live but leave their faces pretty slashed up so they’ll never forget that night.