Ten Dinosaurs That Didn’t Make the Jurassic Park Cut

We here at Hard Ticket to Home Video are super stoked about a new Jurassic Park movie coming out this week and in honor of the “prehisteria” here is a list of the ten other famous dinos ranked from great to Terribleosaurus.

#1 Godzilla

GodzillaA dinosaur that needs no introduction. Hands-down the best movie monster of all time and beloved for generations. He is so revered in the world that Japan, his country of origin and his favorite stomping-ground, is currently making Godzilla a full-fledged Japanese citizen! Personally, I enjoy the old Toho films of the 60s and 70s but even the newer flicks have their great moments. Stay clear of the Emmerich piece of prehistoric shit though. Our review of last year’s incarnation of Godzilla can be found here.

#2 The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms

Beast from 20000 fathomsOne of the earliest cinematic dinos (beat Godzilla to the screen one year earlier!), brought to life by the genius Ray Harryhausen is still a prime example of awesome and skilled movie magic. What’s notable about Beast is that before him, every cinematic dinosaur or large prehistoric monster was mostly in its own prehistoric time or era. Some exemptions like the T-Rex from King Kong were set in a jungle setting, while Beast is in a major metropolitan city raising hell.

#3: Rex

RexA highly neurotic and cowardly T-Rex. I always found it funny that he’s missing a tooth and had the voice of Wallace Shawn. He may be nervous and timid but Rex is always there when he’s needed for his friends.

 

#4: Dopey Dinosaur (from Caveman)

Ringo DinoThis oft-forgotten comedy classic starring Ringo Starr, Barbara Bach, Dennis Quaid and John Matuszak has a ton of great funny moments. A perfect example of using poorly made special effects to your film’s advantage. All the dinosaurs in Caveman are claymation and look ridiculous but when you have Ringo riding on one of its back it makes it ten times better.

#5: Triceracop

TriceracopJust released was a cheaply made Kickstarter action-comedy called Kung Fury. It’s viewable on YouTube here. It has a lot of great over-the-top satirical moments and absurd dialogue. One of the more absurd characters is the new partner to Kung Fury named Triceracop who is just a anthropomorphic Triceratops in a police uniform. He doesn’t have much screen time in the scant 30 minute movie but watching him shoot and kill Nazi’s (I said it was over-the-top) while Kung Fury battles Hitler is totally worth your time.

#6: Baby

BabyI remember watching Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend a bunch back in the day but I barely remember it. All I can recall is that two explorers or possibly paleontologists find a lost baby brontosaurus in a jungle somewhere and try to protect it from being overly exploited. Yawn. Add to that the weak special effects and it’s no wonder no one cares about this movie anymore.

#7: Theodore Rex

Theodore RexA buddy-cop comedy movie starring an oscar-winning Whoopi Goldberg and a silly-looking host of rubber-suited dinosaurs. I never seen it in its entirety but its definitely geared for kids (I hope). The only thing that would help this movie is if it weren’t played for laughs. In fact, they should juts remake Lethal Weapon with this new cast instead and watch how entertaining it could be.

#8: Earl Sneed Sinclair

Earl Sneed SinclairI think I saw maybe 2 episodes of this Dinosaurs TV show. I could’t stand it and I was in the perfect demographic age for it. I just learned it lasted 4 seasons. Four seasons of the same lame stale jokes. “NOT THE MOMMA!” I know it had the Hensons involved but I’m sorry this was unwatchable to me back then. Maybe there was adult-geared humor hidden away in the show somewhere but I’m not interested enough to find out.

#9: Dorothy the Dinosaur

Dorothy-DinosaurThis is Dorothy the dinosaur from the kids’ show The Wiggles. She is a poor excuse of a dinosaur and that’s saying a lot coming from such a terrible show called The Wiggles. However, she is not as terrible as this fucking guy…

 

 

#10: Barney

BarneyI’d be remiss if everyone’s favorite purple dinosaur wasn’t on this list. But he’s in the spot that he so rightfully deserves at dead last. I can’t stand his look, his voice, his singing or his TV show format. People complain about Yo Gabba Gabba when my kids watch it but you can’t even compare the two shows. Yo Gabba Gabba has had Paul Williams and Weezer on their show and Barney is still geared for 2-year-olds only. I don’t think any adult with a reasonably scored IQ is happy that their kid is watching Barney. Deep down, you know they are dying a little inside and counting the days that their tykes will grow out of the feebleness that is Barney. Just looking at this picture on the left makes me depressed that this show was so popular. It bothers me to even poke fun at him.

 

6 thoughts on “Ten Dinosaurs That Didn’t Make the Jurassic Park Cut

  1. A few thoughts I had while reading this:

    1) Godzilla and Rex totally deserve their spots in the top 3. Good call.
    2) I have no idea why, but the TV show Dinosaurs scared the crap outta me when I was a kid.
    3) OMG why all the Barney hate?!?!
    4) It is a travesty that Little Foot of The Land Before Time did not make this list.
    5) Ahhhhh Jurassic World is SO SOON!!!!

    …That is all.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 1. Yes.
    2. Probably had something to do with Earl being modeled after John Goodman.
    3. Barney is the antichrist and we all deep down know it.
    4. I never seen a Land Before Time movie and with there being 2 dozen of them, I’m not about to start now.

    Like

  3. Brad you have to forget the Flintstones movies and revert back to the cartoon for some good Flintstones entertainment. If you do that you would see that ‘Dino’ should be on this list as the original purple dinosaur! 😀

    Like

  4. We need to write at least two dozen more posts about Caveman. Maybe during Tooz Week.

    To jump on the Land Before Time bandwagon, the first one is pretty good, but the sequels are unwatchable, and look like they were drawn with shit on the walls of a bathroom stall in the slums of Taiwan.

    Like

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