Next week officially and legally kicks off the summer movie season! Who can forget last summer’s magical lineup that included such instant classics as Blended, Sex Tape, Transformers: Age of Extinction, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Let’s Be Cops, Into the Storm, Tammy, Step Up: All In, Sin City: A Dame to Kill For, and The Amazing Spider-Man 2? Let’s take a look at what’s in store for us in the next few months!
(MAY 1) The Avengers: Age of Ultron
Really excited about this one since it seems like they decided to shake things up immensely by having the team of heroes battle hordes of enemies with a witty villain controlling them. We’ll see if it pays off.
(MAY 8) Hot Pursuit
(MAY 15) Mad Max: Fury Road
This movie took 47 years to make (4 years short of Boyhood’s record), and expectations were low, but it actually looks pretty wicked. I love The Road Warrior, and really want this to be as awesome as I hope.
(MAY 15) Pitch Perfect 2
Fuck this noise.
(MAY 22) Tomorrowland
This seems like it will either be really great or kind of dumb. I have faith in Brad Bird, though, so I hope it’s the former. I just wish he’d directed one of the Star Wars movies instead.
(MAY 22) Poltergeist
The remake that everyone demanded! The original Poltergeist is so unwatchable that I spit every time someone says the word “poultry” around me.
(MAY 29) Aloha
(MAY 29) San Andreas
As a disaster movie mark, this looks fantastic, and incredibly stupid. But The Rock is always good, and Carla Gugino and Alexandra Daddario together may get me kicked out of the theater.
(JUNE 3) Entourage
It’s kind of astonishing that this is actually being released in theaters instead of being an HBO special that nobody would watch. Can’t wait to see these grown men whine about their relationships for two hours. (see why I gave up on this crappy show here)
(JUNE 5) Insidious: Chapter 3
These movies and their ilk aren’t getting stale whatsoever!
(JUNE 5) Spy
I’d rather have Joseph McCarthy try me for communist treason than watch this.
(JUNE 12) Jurassic World
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! I love all three Jurassic Park movies passionately and have seen the original more than 94.7 times. I can honestly say I’d rather see this than Star Wars. On the other hand, director Colin Trevorrow’s Safety Not Guaranteed was total garbage. But so was Monsters, and I liked Godzilla.
(JUNE 19) Inside Out
This looks pretty good, if not the most original idea in the world, but hopefully Pixar can get back on the horse with this one (although I loved Monsters University).
(JUNE 26) Ted 2
The first one had its funny moments, and I loved the Flash Gordon scenes, but everyone seems to be shitting on this sequel already, mainly because A Million Ways to Die in the West was so mediocre.
(JULY 1) Terminator Genisys
This seems worse than Terminator 3. And everyone is hung up on the spelling of the title, but why would anyone really care about that? Just care that it looks like a rental.
(JULY 1) Magic Mike XXL
I wouldn’t know.
(JULY 10) Minions
Kids go ape for these bananas. This shouldn’t be so bad since Gru’s not in it and his voice is very, very, very, very irritating.
(JULY 17) Ant-Man
I honestly don’t know what to think. It seems ok, but I’d be much more stoked about it if Edgar Wright had made it. Hopefully the director of Yes Man didn’t fudge it up too much.
(JULY 24) Pixels
Cool concept, great visuals, but Adam Sandler immediately ruins it. Poor Peter Dinklage.
(JULY 31) Mission: Impossible Rogue Nation
I like all of these movies (although the second one is pretty eh) and the last one was really good (thanks to the aforementioned Brad Bird), and judging by this trailer they seem to have kept that momentum going. And as much as Tom Cruise’s personal life puzzles me, he really is a good action star, and I respect him doing his own stunts.
(JULY 31) Vacation
Why did you do this to us?
(AUGUST 7) Fantastic 4
I guess this looks better than the last two Turdtastic 4s, but it seems like it’s going to take itself way too seriously. I don’t know, hopefully it will surprise us, but overall, who cares?
(AUGUST 14) Straight Outta Compton
I would love to see this in the safety of my own home.
(AUGUST 14) The Man from U.N.C.L.E.
This will make $37.