Horror Hospital (1973)

Country of Origin/Production: United Kingdom

 

 

 

 

 

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Jason Jones, and new friend, Judy run afoul at an evil mansion with an evil mad doctor!

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Hey it’s Michael Gough, Alfred from the Burton/Schumacher Batman flicks.
• Double decapitation in less than 2 minutes!
• And it was two victims running from Gough’s car that had a large blade that protruded out the side window. 
• Which come to think of it, would be too low for a normal sized human’s neck but oh well.
• There’s a rock band (not a good one) playing in this club and there’s a trans-woman laying on the stage that looks like Beef from Phantom of the Paradise.
• One bloke complains to the trans-woman about stealing material or something and the trans-woman gives him a heaping portion of a knuckle-sandwich.
• The bloke that got punched is named Jason and he’s seeking sympathy from his friends and one of them looks like a cheap knock-off John Lennon.
• Forgive me but I’m a little confused. One of Jason’s friends gave him an advertisement for something called Hairy Holidays and Jason is intrigued and decides to check it out. The advert only has a graphic image of a long-haired hippy and it says “Fun & Sun for the under 30s” so I’m assuming it’s a travel/vacation company. But when Jason goes to talk to the only agent at the address (some older fella), he suggests the Bahamas or to the Sahara or just a jaunt to the English countryside, which is interests Jason the most. Guess he doesn’t like to travel far.
• Only 25 pounds?! But nothing beats a Jet2 Holiday. And right now if Jason books he can save 50 pounds per person! That’s 200 pounds off for a family of 4. [this reference may be only applicable to GenZ]
• Of course the old man is a perv and stares directly at Jason’s crotch.
• Is Jason the dumbest protagonist in a schlock horror flick? Well it’s probably too early to tell but there’s not that much competition for him either.
• He barely makes the train because he’s going on his Hairy Holiday today! He also has zero luggage or toiletries. Like, what’s the deal dude. You got punched by one trans-woman and you hightail it to the countryside immediately? What’s the bloody rush?
• Also Fuck You Jason for booking a vacation with a company shady enough to call themselves Hairy Holidays. Dumb cunt.
• He’s attempting to flirt with a young lady on the train and happens to get an apple from her. Is this supposed to be biblical symbolism or am I giving this movie too much credit?
• Hahahaha. He actually tells her that he’s not planning on raping her.

• This bird is going on and on about her dead mother and the feud with the grandmother and trouble with the will and how she’s a bastard and her mom ran a brothel. It all sounds so fascinating it really does.
• Not only is she giving this strange bloke so much intimate information she even offered him a ride when they get off the train.
• Why is this train conductor asking to see their tickets when they are off the train and walking away from the station?
• Old conductor dude calls the manor that Jason and the girl are waiting for her aunt to pick her up for. So this film is really hammering it hard that this manor and the vacation getaway are nothing but a trap. So much for subtlety.
• Her name is Judy Peters and Jason’s surname is Jones. Jason Jones.
• Jason and Judy are picked up by two motorcyclists with STORM 1 and STORM 2 written on the front.
• Jason and Judy are creeped out by the old manor. But aren’t all the old manors in England supposed to be creepy?
• Nothing creepy about this short person who says in a slow and low tone that they looked like drowned rats and that they should probably come inside.
• Judy and her aunt don’t know each other and haven’t met each other until now. Allegedly. Wink wink nod nod.
• Telling them that the sole room they have to offer is a large room when she mentions that Frederick, the short butler, will show them up is a bit insensitive don’t you think?
• Freddy jokes that they are either married or a couple of runaways and that they had a couple of runaways this morning (implying the decapitated couple from the beginning). How is all this happening in one day. They kill the couple in the morning. Then Jason and his friends are watching a jam session in a pub. He then leaves and finds Hairy Holidays who tells him to go to this manor in the countryside. He grabs a train to the manor, meets Judy who says that her aunt will pick her up at the station but she’s not there so they wait a while. They then start to walk when it rains and they seek shelter. Then they get picked up by the bikers who take them to the manor. It is still daylight. Freddy could’ve simply could have said, we had a couple of runaways yesterday or a week ago and it most likely wouldn’t change the thing to the narrative. Now it’s making scratch my head and distracting me.
• Some fella in a lab coat comes out of a room with a huge head wound and looks stunned as he walks away. Judy and Jason also witness a room with the bed totally covered in blood. Freddy dismisses it as “we all have our little accidents.”
• Aunt Harris calls up Pollack from Hairy Holidays to complain that he only got them one (meaning Jason) this week. I know it sounds easy pickings these days but back in the early 70s there weren’t as many really dumb people to trick into an undisclosed vacation in the middle of the countryside. 
• Moments ago, Judy was complaining about her and Jason having to share a room and now she’s so comfortable as to just wear a bra in front of him.
• Now she’s drying his hair and is bothered when he kisses her bare belly. She then immediately takes off her skirt to go the shower. Poor Jason.
• Also Jason told her he plans to stay there for 3 days or so, yet he brought zero luggage.
• Jason, wearing a coat of armor’s mask, strolls into the shower when Judy’s still in there. She doesn’t seem to care anymore. And neither do I.

• “There’s nothing healthier than…sex.”
• At the dinner table is about 8 of those lobotomized silent people. Jason and Judy are trying to make small talk with them while they all are clearly disturbed. Pale and ashen skin and a rather large gash wound on their foreheads. 
• One female lobotomized patient just starts screaming and is escorted away. Jason and Judy now decide it’s time to just retire for the evening. Good call but would running as fast as you can away from this place sound like a smarter plan?
• Judy starts freaking out at the red water coming out of the running faucet. Looks more like Hawaiian Punch than blood. But anyways Freddy turns off the faucet and her aunt and Michael Gough enter the room.
• “Women can be very troublesome, Mr. Jones. But then so can little men!” Then Gough hits Freddy with his cane. 
• It’s always Freddy’s fault. That little imp!
• Judy and Jason are rightly concerned by what’s going in at this manor but they decide instead of waiting until the morning, leaving and calling the cops that when it’s late in the evening, they will investigate things themselves. What a bunch of bloody idiots.
• Ew. Now they are actually making love in this place? Really bloody daft.
• They are making Freddy dig a grave. I’m sorry but that’s just going to be a shallow grave isn’t it?
• Jason actually just said: “There must be a way out of here somewhere.” I would probably try the front door dingus. I’m pretty sure no one told them they are forbidden to leave.
• Things are gonna get real hairy soon.
• Did I mention how dumb Jason and Judy are? Jason left the room to check out a way out or something. Judy leaves the room to look for Jason and she stumbles into the lobotomized patient ward! I think she shrieked at the sight of each and every 8 of them individually.
• Jason bumps into Clayface before he’s knock led out by some goons.
• So Aunt Harris complains to Gough that Pollack is here asking for more money. Gough says, of course give it to him, he deserves it. When she leaves the room he calls his goons and tells him that Pollack is leaving and to take care of him. Pollack slowly leaves the manor’s grounds and the car with the blade swings by and decapitates him. Who will they get to manage Hairy Holidays now?!
• Jason witnessed the murder from the window. Because it was done in plain sight in public during broad daylight. Masterstroke of a plan I say.
• Jason manhandles Freddy into giving him as much information about Dr. Storm and his operations. Freddy has zero loyalty.
• Dr. Storm takes Jason (who’s taking in all this craziness in stride if you ask me) in to the gymnasium basement and inside are the lobotomized patients and two of them are doing handstands and hopping on their hands. It just looks nutty!

• Apparently, Dr. Storm can physically control the patients to do what he wants. In this demonstration he makes them do backflips and other gymnastic moves. He also shows him that they are impervious to pain. I can imagine this is what Neurolink would be like.
• Speaking of, this movie is kinda misleading in that this really isn’t a hospital but a mansion that has human experiments within. I went going into this movie thinking it was an actual in-patient/out-patient hosiprial with real doctors and nurses.
• Jason freaks out after seeing Judy down there (not operated on yet) and dives through the window and runs away. So he just leaves Judy, the love of his life that he just met less than 24 hours ago?!
• The two goons are the same as the motorcyclists. I know this because they are still clad all in leather and have never taken off their helmets even while indoors pushing Dr. Storm in his wheelchair.
• Jason and one goon fight to the death. The death being quicksand.
• Jason then gets beaten and captured by 2 other goons. Maybe there were 3 motorcycle goons. If only their helmets were numbered.
• Hahahaha. As the goons are carrying Jason back to the house, every few seconds they will stop and hit Jason with a baton and Jason would scream in pain the same way every time.
• Jason’s in a locked room. He tries to beat down the door with a bench just a few times before giving up and sitting down. Then some gas envelopes the room and he passes out. Why did they put him in the room if they were only going to gas him anyway.
• Milly’s turn next, then Judy and then Jason. OK. Who’s Milly?!
• Dr. Storm and Harris are operating on Milly and having simple small talk like a regular surgeon and head nurse would. She states she wants to go back to Hamburg. He then quips that she’s too old to run a whorehouse.
• The conductor fella calls them up and tells them another dude is coming to the manor. But they weren’t expecting anyone new?! Things are about to get real hairy.
• Wow! What an impressive head of hair on this dude! See, I told you things are about to get real hairy!

• It’s a boyfriend of one of the girls who came to the manor. They had a fight a few days ago and he’s out looking for her. He saw the manor’s advertisement in one of her magazines and happened to be right. That’s some damn-fine police work there Lou.
• Aunt Harris is now seeing that this whole ruse is going to get caught and decides to leave now and wants to take Judy as well. She requested the car from Dr. Storm to take her back. You mean the same car that severs heads?!
• While packing up, Clayface comes in behind Harris and kills her!
• The boyfriend dude, Abraham, is thrown in the same room as Jason and wakes him up. It was Milly’s boyfriend and he’s super pissed!
• Why is Freddy always wearing yarmulkes? He wore a black one the last we saw him and now he was a purple one on. L’chaim little dude.
• Freddy drugs the guards and gives Jason and Abe some food and tells them to have patience. When the guards pass out, Freddy has to unlock the door for Jason and Abe but he’s too short to reach the top bolt lock. He then has to stack the two passed out guards so he can reach the bolt. But then another minute or so is wasted on him having to move the guards to be able to open the door. I guess someone wanted to inject some Monty Python humor in somehow.
• They go rescue Judy but running back they are confronted by Storm, the goons and some of the lobotomized folk. Captured yet again.
• Now everyone is at dinner and Dr. Storm is monologuing and spouting exposition.
• Hahahaha. Dr. Storm: “In the late 20s before Stalin came to power, I was a disciple of the Academician Pavlov.” Cut to Jason: “Wow.” Fucking dweeb, he’s going to try to lobotomize you!
• In a flashback scene, a young(ish) Dr. Storm screams at another doctor “I can’t work with animals anymore! I must have humans!” Eat your heart out Olivier!
• In a very Sweeney Todd MO, he started to work on his experiments on humans by using Aunt Harris’ whores.
• In another flashback, we see two naked people that he experimented on (man and a woman) in some very shallow sandpit just big enough for both of them under a red incandescent light bulb and they are writhing on the ground and sand. It’s not as erotic as you might think.

• Abraham is disgusted by what Storm is telling them and screams “Bastard!” at him. Cut to Dr. Storm and cue the lightning and thunder effects. Classic.
• And he concludes his exposition by explaining that some idiot hunter wandered into his lab, got shocked by what he saw and accidentally set fire to the lab. In trying to put out the fire and escaping, Dr. Storm barely made it out and is now paralyzed from the waist down. He’s extra grumpy about this because he’s not that attractive to women anymore. He’s now mentioned this twice so we all know what’s coming—his mind control on the ladies for sexual purposes of course!
• Dr. Storm then accuses Freddy of betraying him and has him and Jason and Abraham taken away. The goons attempt to beat up the lads on the way up the stairs. 
• C’mon, we really don’t need to hear how Freddy became involved in all this. I couldn’t care less.
• What’s the over/under on either Jason or Abe (or both) beating up the guards and wearing their uniforms to rescue Judy by the end? Has to be the reason the goons always keep the bike helmets on. Either that or they’re Mandalorians. This is the way.
• I get that the open window is small giving them every reason to make Freddy be the hero here but that window isn’t that small where any of the three can’t climb through it.
• That goon tossed Freddy down the stairs! Poor Freddy.
• Nevermind about them wearing the goons outfits to save Judy. They just knocked out the one guarding Judy by whacking him across the face with a small club because the goon WASN’T wearing his bike helmet.
• Now Jason and Abe are destroying the lab and beating up anyone they see! 
• Why are they searching the house? For Milly? Milly’s gone. Get over it. Just hightail it far from here.
• Dr. Storm is Clayface and his normal face is just a mask (the best mask ever!) So he’s terribly burned 100% of his body as he runs out of the manor naked.
• Now this flick turns up the Hammer style up a notch with the Gothic music and them fighting off more goons on the staircase of this burning old mansion.
• Hahahaha. Jason stops in the kitchen and has a few bites of bread before Abe reminds him that they have to get Dr. Storm.
• They then drive the killer car and chop off Storm’s head and both his body and his head end up in the same quicksand/bog as before. Silliness!
• Jason then gives Judy and Abe a fright when they see Dr. Storm’s fake face over his own. 
• The movie ends with Storm’s hand reaching out from the bog and then cut to the dead body of the train station conductor!

Final Thoughts: Kinda fun. Really stupid though. Every character is a downright imbecile or an over-the-top dastardly evil-doer. This was no Hammer flick for sure. But why would I pick a good English horror flick like a Hammer-produced classic over this schlocky dumb romp. There’s very little to critique. Actually, I should say, very little worth to critique. It had silly gore effects and some decent gothic/creepy atmosphere to keep one somewhat interested once you get over the really dumb people involved.

How British 🇬🇧 is it: Jolly good! Set in the English countryside. Every actor is a typical Brit. Some tongue-in-cheek British dry humor. Could use more food or musical culture but not too shabby. 70% Tariff

Score: 4 Hairy Holidays (out of 10)