Snowbeast (1977)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: People in the woods run afoul of the Bigfoot.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• I picked this one because I’ve watched way too many of these that were made after 2000. And it’s shorter than the other options.
• Lots of slow-motion women’s skiing to open. Is this a Bigfoot movie or an herbal supplement commercial?
• I know this movie is 92 years old but it looks like Bigfoot wiped his ass with it.
• Bigfoot only attacks the skier in yellow. Seems racist to me. Which would be a new wrinkle for these Bigfoot movies.
• Hey it’s the voice of Juno from Beetlejuice! Was she ever not 80?
• So this is just a Jaws ripoff but instead of a shark at the beach it’s a sasquatch at a ski resort. And that’s great! 
• There’s a big winter carnival skiing competition at the resort. Winner gets to marry the Snow Queen. All others get disemboweled by the Bigfoot.
• Should I be calling him the Yeti since this is set in a snowy area? Is that the difference? Or is Yeti just a regional thing for the Himalayas? I guess I should call him Abominable Snowman, but I’m not typing that out every time. I guess we’ll just stick with Bigfoot. Who am I telling this to, anyway?
• Juno runs the resort, and her grandson Tony is like second-in-command. He seems dimwitted, but that could just be his acting. He did just ask his grandmother for a bunch of food, and she yelled, “You’ll get nothing and like it!”
• Seems like this movie is going to be 93% skiing shots. I think I can keep this review under 500 words!
• Oh there he is! Far away behind a tree! This costume must be complete garbage.
• Bo Svenson! Of… various movies I haven’t really seen. His name in this is Gar. I wonder if he’s going to offer any moustache rides?
• So naturally, Juno wants to keep this Bigfoot thing quiet because this is a winter resort, and they need winter dollars.
• I’d say Tony’s acting equivalent in Jaws would be Sean. 

• Ok I found a version of this on YouTube that looks much better than the one on Prime, which is weird. Typically YouTube will have edited versions of horror movies (like I unfortunately discovered with Primal Rage), but that shouldn’t be an issue here because it was made for TV in the ’70s, when the most scandalous thing you might see was Weezy Jefferson’s ankles.
• And thank the olde forest gods I switched to YouTube so I can 2x speed the endless skiing scenes.
• So this rescue dude hears the Bigfoot then trips over absolutely nothing while skiing and almost goes over a cliff. That’s what you get for being a total spaz on the slopes.
• If I’m going to stay awake through all these skiing scenes, I’m gonna need some “fresh powder.”
• The Bigfoot’s hand comes down on the guy’s head and it fades to red. I guess I’ve seen more than enough gore so far this month, anyway.
• A kid finds the yellow skier girl’s body in a barn, and there’s actually a little blood on the one arm they show, so I stand corrected! What a splatterfest!
• “The bunny slope’s for old ladies.” “I know it’s for old ladies, just ski it for the old man.”
• So Gar’s wife, Ellen, has a love triangle thing with dimwitted Tony. She’s upset with Gar because he won a gold medal in the ’68 Winter Olympics, and he’s gone downhill since. But what the hell does she want? For him to win gold medals every month?

Shuss, the “unofficial” mascot of the 1968 Winter Olympic games. And much more frightening than any Bigfoot could ever be.

• Also, maybe they could have changed the wife’s name from Ellen?
• So Gar is out of money from coasting on his gold medal and asks Tony for a job, and the job Tony has for him is killing the Bigfoot. So Gar is the Quint of this, and that would make Tony the Brody? Oh and the Sean. Ellen’s the Ellen, so who’s the Hooper? I’m now waiting for a Bigfoot expert to show up. But that could make Tony seem even more dumb by comparison.
• Gar and Tony had an intimate conversation in the outside hot tub, then it abruptly moved inside. Probably because those two actors were freezing their nuts off.
• Tony tells the sheriff at the barn he’ll be able to recognize the yellow ski girl’s face, and the cop says, “She doesn’t have one.” EXCELLENT. Normally I would prefer to see a shot of the faceless head, but it is what it is.
• Ohhh, Ellen’s a reporter who has done stories about Bigfoot sightings. So she’s both the Hooper and the Ellen. Hellen??
• So the sheriff decides they should tell people that the ski girl was killed by a grizzly. Is that really going to put the guests’ minds at ease? I guess the sheriff is also the Brody.
• I guess the guests aren’t really buying this story. I know if I was at a ski resort and heard that a grizzly out of hibernation mauled someone I’d get right the fuck on out of there and go to St. Lucia like we should’ve done in the first place, HONEY…
• Gar has to go to an event at the local high school and there are about 8 people in attendance. And the Snow Queen. And one Bigfoot.
• This couldn’t be more of an exact replica of the beach panic scene in Jaws if an old man with floppy tits showed up.
• Juno, you’re the mayor of Bigfoot City. They think you want the resort open…
• I wonder if they’re barely showing the Bigfoot because of Jaws, or just because he looks like an idiot.
• Juno gets knocked down and hurt, and it seems like that was a legitimate thing that wasn’t supposed to happen?

• I like how everyone just ran outside, where the Bigfoot actually is. But for some reason, he doesn’t attack anyone but the Snow Queen’s mom. I guess that legally makes him the Snow King.
• Gar just now realized that his wife has been missing the entire day. I guess he has had a lot on his mind, what with the whole Bigfoot situation and whatnot.
• Great, now a nighttime skiing scene, which is as boring as a regular skiing scene but now at night, which makes it much harder to see anything.
• What did I miss? Why is Ellen in this barn? Did she just get lost? How the hell did Gar know to find her there? Is it the same barn where they found the yellow ski girl?
• Anyway, she’s proud of him for skiing again. Great job being the bare minimum of a spouse.
• Gar says that he thought “by not skiing anymore, I’ll stay on top.” What a moron.
• Is this barn like Bigfoot’s house? Why does he keep coming back there? If it is the same barn, I don’t know.
• They find the body of that rescue guy in the rafters of the barn, did the Bigfoot just stash it up there? Why would it do that?
• Ok, the sheriff kills a bear, and brings it back to the resort so people can see it, and they’re happy it’s been caught, and then Gar tells the sheriff the only way to make sure that the killer was a bear and not a Bigfoot is to cut the bear open and see what’s inside. This all seems just a tad familiar… oh yeah, Dog Day Afternoon.
• So the trio and the sheriff are off to find Mr. Bigfoot. Where did the other police go??
• Tired of long skiing scenes? Then how about an extra-long snowmobile scene?!?!?! THRILLS!
• While they’re out searching on their snowmobiles for 19 hours the Bigfoot stops by their camper and rips the skis off the back of it. Why did it do that? Does it just hate skis? Stay away from the skis!
• That love triangle thing was just amicably glossed over. Why even bring it up if it wasn’t going to cause conflict? It’s like how Brad and I are married, but Brad will always love Jim, and I despise them both for it, and I don’t know how much longer I can live with that.
• Bigfoot causes a log avalanche. Too bad for them that they parked right downhill from all those giant logs. The trio just runs away while the Bigfoot mauls the sheriff. What a bunch of pussies.
• So they run off to the barn, sit there for a few minutes, then go back to the camper for their guns and skis. What was the point of any of that?
• I really hope this ends in a downhill race between Gar and the Bigfoot, winner take the mountain.
• Juno never did come back, so she probably was actually injured. And then she died from smoking and cutting her throat.
• Wow we’re even getting some Jaws theme-type music here. How were these kinds of productions not sued into oblivion?
• So Tony shoots the Bigfoot and it takes off, then Gar chases after the Bigfoot on skis, but he has to track its footprints. How fucking fast did the Bigfoot run away?
• Why is 99% of this the Bigfoot’s POV? Did they only have the top half of a costume?
• So Gar shoots it a few times and sticks a ski pole in its gut, offscreen. What a thrilling conclusion.

Final Thoughts: So the thing is, this is pretty bad, but if you love Jaws, and why wouldn’t you, it’s fun to see how much of a ripoff this is. If you haven’t seen Jaws for some reason, you’ll think this is the most boring slog this side of Slog Mountain. Recommended to hot doggers, love triangle dismissives, and Shuss worshippers. 

Score: 5 Nightmares of Shuss (out of 10)