Bigfoot Country (2017)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Four of the best dipshit morons in Schlocktoberfest history go camping in the woods and run afoul of a Sasquatch.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Hard to find a Bigfoot movie that takes place in less redneck places I suppose. 
• Starring: Hans Potter. The Nazi boy who lived. (bad Harry Potter joke)
• Guys, these opening credits are too long. You don’t need to highlight the Foley Artist in the opening credits.
• Hans Potter is also the Stunt Coordinator. 
• And another actor, Kiana Passmore, is pulling double-duty as the First Assistant Director (again, these credits are usually saved for the end!)
• She’s also in charge of Wardrobe?!
• Finally finished the opening credits (all 3:30 minutes of them!) and already I’m exhausted.
• We can’t stop here! This is Bigfoot Country!
• I  can already tell this movie is going to take itself way too fucking seriously.
• Come to where the flavor is. Come to Bigfoot Country.
• The dialogue speaking in this “found footage” sounds like old stormtroopers from Star Wars.
• Oh hey you found water on your hike. Yippee Skippy!
• Umm. There will be Bigfoots in your Bigfoot Country right?
• So some dudes went camping/hiking in the forest back in 1995 and videotaped their excursion, then they had to abandon their video camera since they were spooked by something that they barely saw. Now the film is set in present day and some young douchebag friends are driving a black thunderbird Trans-Am to Bigfoot Country. Let’s find out together if they find any Sasquatches.
• Quick question: Does every horror movie that is set in the woods always have a scene in the beginning when the cast arrive by driving to the destination and talk like assholes about their trip?
• Big Foot Cunt Tree

• At the roadside diner, the waitress strikes up conversation about where our Scooby gang is headed and she warns them that some people went missing on the same trails they plan on hiking. Yeah, people sometimes go missing. People can go missing anywhere!
• Maybe I’m feeling nostalgic for last year’s Schlocktoberfest with nothing but Jason Voorhees flicks but a Bigfoot vs. Jason movie could totally work.
• The one dude bro is still harping about going off the main trail but the other three are apprehensive since the waitress warned them not to. Now I’m not a betting man but I’d wager that the waitress is in cahoots with the Sasquatch.
• And now the only other person in the diner is also warning them to go home. Guess he’s the film’s Crazy Ralph.

• The camera work inside the Trans is hilariously close-up and cramped on the actors. Doube that with the worst green screen effects for the moving vehicle’s background and it’s even more hilarious. Triple that with the sub-par acting and dialogue writing and YAHTZEE!
• This one obnoxious dude, Bryce (Hans Potter!) can’t stop talking about going off the main trail. It’s downright obsessive and even his friends are getting annoyed with him. What does he think they will see off the main path that will be extraordinary and unique? I’m willing to guess that he just wants a nice untouched and private place to bone the girl he likes.
• Ha Ha Ha. Bryce forgot the third tent in the hope he can hook up with the girl he likes but his dumb horny plan backfired because now the girls get their own tent and he and Sean have to sleep in the other tent.
• This is kind of a weird dynamic here. Sean and Kiera are a couple but they each brought their friends, Carly and Bryce who are both single to also camp with them but Carly is not interested in Bryce. Is this some sort of match-making that went wrong or is everyone downright dumber than a bag of nails?
• 6 am is early Bryce. But then again you’re braving the wilderness and I highly doubt nature will let you sleep in as much as you think.
• “Did you hear that?” Good to see these campers in the camping spirit. Also filmmakers, are you trying to hit every forest-themed horror movie cliche?
• “Hey, did you bring those bear bangers?” The what?

• OK, this film is extremely dark right now as they drink and chat around the campfire but Bryce tells them instead of the bear bangers he brought an old gun. But again, it’s pitch black and extreme close-up of everyone so I can’t tell what gun it is as he waves it around for them to see it.
• Bryce is easily one of the most obnoxious characters in Schlocktoberfest history and we’ve only met him for 14 minutes so far. He makes Levi from My Special Boy look like Ryan Gosling.
• If this was a just and sane world (not even close) Bryce should die first but this is Schlocktoberfest after all so he will probably live long enough to become the hero. I hope to fuck I’m wrong.
• Of courser the girls are tired and want to go to bed. The dude bros just cracked open all these brews!
• A so funny and not-so-cliched gay joke!
• Bryce makes a gay-in-the-woods-like-that-movie joke and I’m baffled at what movie he’s referencing. He doesn’t mean Brokeback Mountain right?
• Maybe he meant The Edge?
• Or First Blood?
• Wait. Kiera and Sean are not a couple? I’m so confused how there people got together to go camping. Did they answer a want ad?
• Carly is telling Kiera that she sees the way Sean looks at her and they should be sleeping in the same tent. But they keep mentioning the third tent. So how were the tent situation supposed to work if none of them were coupled up?!
• In a Bigfoot Country, dreams stay with you. Like a lover’s voice fires the mountainside…Stay alive, here we go.
• Now they’re driving again? OK. I thought where they camped last night was where camp was going to be. Will this car ride scene be relevant? Only time will tell.
• Time tells me to go fuck myself.
• Nope. That driving scene was utterly pointless and unnecessary. Like the rest of the movie.
• Sean loves his Trans-Am. Got it.
• Carly, who two scenes ago said to Kiera that she didn’t like Bryce, just told him that having his gun sticking out of his pants is sexy. 
• Hahahaha. Sean and Bryce do a high-five and there was zero sound of it on the film.
• So I’m assuming this is just 4 young people venture into the forest for hiking and hooking up and run afoul of a Sasquatch. That’s it. That’s the whole plot of a movie made in 2017. Surely, there will be some interesting plot twist or something more creative than terror in the woods with 4 people. Please. I’m begging you.
• Kiera thinks she saw something. Oh no you guys.

• Oh good! Bryce is alone taking a piss and there’s ominous music. Is he going to perish now?!
• A Predator vs. Bigfoot movie would be awesome as well. [did I already mention this?]
• Nope. Bryce is fine. Just thinks he heard/seen something. For fucks sake, are all 4 of them going to suspect something is watching them in the woods before something, anything actually happens?
• Swim time! But no one brought swimsuits so they are all in their underwear. This film couldn’t disappoint me more. 
• Actually, no scene exists of them actually swimming. It was implied as they ran to the river. Now they are hiking again. Too bad because Kiera had a nice rack.
• A Bigfoot foot print! But just one. Bigfoot hopped a great distance on one foot on this trail apparently. But it’s enough to make them very nervous. Why is this so common in these Bigfoot flicks, just seeing ONE giant footprint?
• I mean they are just assuming whomever left that giant foot print is going to hurt them. It could be Shaquille O’Neill’s footprint for all they know.
• They are really freaking out over this big foot print.
• Did Carly really need verification that that howling sound they heard at night was in fact a wolf?
• Sean says that there could be a bear also in the vicinity but Bryce calls him an idiot because there’s no way a bear left that footprint that they found. I mean, there could be both a bear and a Sasquatch right?
• If only they had the world’s second freestanding Sasquatch Trap then they wouldn’t have to worry so much.
• Bryce has to take a leak but he’s too scared to go alone or leave the tent, so they are all crowded around him while he dangles his dick out of the tent door to try to piss. This makes very little sense unless you’re a Mormon, or so I heard.
• And of course Bryce is having performance issues and wants to go outside. I’m fine with this because maybe he’ll probably die now finally. Fingers-crossed.
• Hahahaha. Bryce, who moments earlier was too chicken-shit to take a piss in the woods, just yelled back at the others in the tent “It’s actually kinda quiet out here.” at the top of his lungs. I’m going to lodge my bigfoot up his tiny ass if I could.
• Wouldn’t it be funny if the very tree that Bryce is urinating on, the Sasquatch is pissing on the other side at the same time?
• “Hey guys there’s something out here.” Are you fucking serious right now?
• Yeah it’s probably what’s making that growling sound you giant dipshit.

• So the Sasquatch charges towards Bryce, who then runs into the tent and then the Sasquatch goes quiet and doesn’t attack the tent.
• They discovered the Sasquatch’s only weakness. Vinyl camping tents! It’s like a force field against them.
• The only solution is to walk with the tent over yourselves until the end of the forest. Problem solved.
• Bryce fires his pistol and just scares off the huge walking carpet.
• Anyway they panic even though the Sasquatch is no longer near them and run out of the tent. Carly is alone now because she foolishly dropped her lantern and like Velma and her glasses took way too long to find it. (No, it wasn’t lit—she’s not that stupid).
• Hahahaha. Are they all split up now. You fools!
• Can someone please die already? Christ, what does a guy need to do to get some horror in his horror movies?! I still have over 30 minutes to go and I’m bored to tears.
• No kills, no T &/or A, no drugs, no good off-color jokes—this is a real fucking snooze fest of a horror flick.
• Harry and the Hendersons had more terrifying moments. And it’s been a while since I’ve seen it but probably more T&A as well.
• I was just about to make a Blair Witch joke saying yeah, that movie didn’t have much going for it except that it was found footage and creatively done and marketed. And now Sean found the camcorder that the hikers from the opening scene but as soon as he found it he leaves it and walks away. Why didn’t he watch the footage?!
• Bryce is in a bind. Somehow a tree limb fell on his leg crushing it to bejeezus and back. Somehow I missed the scene when Sasquatch threw the tree at Bryce but that’s how Bryce described what happened to him. I went back a second time and yeah even the movie’s editor left that scene of Bryce getting the log on his leg out. 
• I could really go for a Bigfoot pizza right about now.

• HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Then girls are meandering in the woods trying to find the boys. They happened to find Bryce’s revolver and when Sean comes out of nowhere behind them, he startles them and Kiera accidentally shoots Carly in the face!
• It may not have been a Sasquatch related death but hey, I’ll take what I can get.
• Now they have to, very awkwardly, try to explain what happened to Carly to Bryce. He took it OK but they cannot free him from the log crushing his leg.
• Sean is arguing with Bryce about leaving him the gun while they go and get help because Bryce said he’d take care of himself before the thing eats him alive. Now Sean is sobbing like a little bitch because he knows that Bryce is right. It’s a touching moment really.
• And not 30 seconds of them leaving Bryce, a Sasquatch comes walking towards him, he tells the Bigfoot to fuck itself and then eats a bullet.
• Yet again, someone dies and it’s not by a Sasquatch attack.
• “I think we just met Bigfoot.”

• With less than 10 minutes left we still have not seen a clear image of the Sasquatch. Just out of focus long shots, half obscured by tree branches and leaves.
• The Crazy Ralph fella from the diner is back in the movie drunk driving near the woods and HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Sean comes out of the woods and is immediately smashed by the driver’s pick-up truck! I don’t think anyone in this movie will be killed by a Bigfoot at this point.
• They show a close-up of Sean’s boating loafers that he chose to wear…hiking and camping…in the forest!
• OK, now the film just ground to screeching halt with all this time spent with the drunk driver lamenting what he has just done and slowly approaching Sean’s body with some cuts to Kiera looking on from the edge of the forest. This is going on for like 3 minutes straight now.

• I paused the flick to write my prediction for the finale and I think the Sasquatch is going to appear and we’re going to assume it’s going to attack the drunk driver or Kiera but he’s actually going to slowly approach Sean’s body and either take it with him back to its lair or heal Sean and bring him back to life with some sort of Sasquatch power. Let’s see if I’m right in some way, shape or form.
• I couldn’t be more wrong man the scene cuts to Kiera sleeping in the back of the drunk driver’s pick-up as he drives along the forest road. 
• It then cuts again and Kiera is in a hospital of some sort. As she comes to and walks around the hospital’s hallways, she hears growls and it’s not Shakma!
• Just a dream. She’s still in the hospital bed but this time she’s handcuffed to the bed. 
• That’s a wrap! And now we’re treated to the world’s slowest end credits.

Final Thoughts: I’m trying to wrap my brain around the point top this movie. It’s more like a forest-themed slasher in tone and execution but there’s a Sasquatch lurking around, who never actually kills any one. The kids all die by accidents or suicides and the one survivor is somehow implicated in their deaths and in police custody. Like I said, I’m not sure what the point of all this was. I probably wouldn’t be this blah about it if it wasn’t casted by rejected cast-members of MTV the Real World and had decent writing and wasn’t so dumb and boring. So yeah, I do not recommend by a (Bigfoot) country mile, even for a fun Schlocky movie night. There are better Bigfoot pictures out there for that.

Score: 2 Bigfoot Pizzas (out of 10)