Big Legend (2018)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: People in the woods run afoul of the Bigfoot.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• “Babe, this is so amazing! Babe, this is amazing!” We’re off to a great start.
• Another Bigfoot picture where Lance Henriksen makes a guest appearance? Does he owe money to the Bigfoot or something?
• At least one or possibly both of this loving camping couple are going to get their anuses ripped out by Bigfoot any second.
• He proposes to her even though he looks like he’s on the wrong side of 60. Bigfoot come out NOW!
• Nothing has happened the past 10 minutes that couldn’t have been summed up in 2.
• What woman would agree to marry a guy who bases his look off of Andrew Dice Clay?
• I believe his name is Tyler because she’s said “Tyler” 97 times in the past 96 seconds.
• Why is Tyler’s flashlight like what mechanics use to look at the underside of a car? Maybe he’s going to check out the Bigfoot’s undercarriage and check its oil with his dipstick.
• Ha! I love that Bigfoot took the whole tent Natalie was in. Way better than Jason just taking the sleeping bag.
• Now it’s a year later and Amanda Wyss is Tyler’s nuthouse therapist. She’s seen these kind of attacks before, albeit on a smaller scale.
• Tyler doesn’t think Natalie’s dead. It’s been a year, unless the Bigfoot has been breastfeeding her, I don’t think she made it.
• Adrienne Barbeau as Tyler’s mom! This is making me think, can you go to horror conventions and instead of just asking for an autographed photo, ask the former star to be in your shitty movie? If signed photos are $40, is making a cameo in your movie $45?
• “I believe something happened out there that is unexplained.” Uh, yeah? His fiancée disappeared without a trace and was never found. Everyone knows this.
• Why is there like a dry ice effect in his mom’s kitchen? You’re in a kitchen, not an abandoned asylum.
• Oh boy he’s looking through Natalie’s old camera I wonder if he’ll see the Bigfoot in one of the pictures?
• How would she not have seen that at the time she took the photo?
• Tyler is gearing up to go back to Bigfoot territory and is now taking a reasonable flashlight. That would have helped the first time.
• How long are we going to get Tyler walking through the woods before something interesting happens? At least 15 minutes, right?
• The Bigfoot took Tyler’s backpack while he was filling his water bottle. This Bigfoot is just a common forest thief.
• So Tyler’s out in the middle of nowhere, and while he’s sleeping in his car the Bigfoot throws a rock and a log through the windows, then it just takes off. And then a hunter comes by three seconds later. Many questions here. Why would the Bigfoot just take off? Why wouldn’t Tyler go after it? That’s his sole purpose for being there. Where the fuck did this hunter come from? Why would he just pop his head in the door frame when he heard a bunch of gunshots coming from the car?

• Why does this hunter have so many American flags set up at his camp?
• They’re talking about some company in the area, so I’m sure the whole Bigfoot thing is that evil company scaring people away from the area to keep them away from their nefarious dealings? [ed.: NOPE! Never mentioned again]
• This movie is to acting what the Bigfoot is to smooth skin.
• I guess they just tried to explain away why the Bigfoot doesn’t leave the area and be seen by other people, because Native Americans put up little skull thingies on trees which keep him contained. Because the Native American people do indeed possess such magicks.
• So this movie is called Big Legend, and Eli (the hunter guy) just called Bigfoot “The Big Man,” are they not allowed to say “Bigfoot”? Is it trademarked? Is it like how you have to say “The Big Game” instead of “Super Bowl”?
• The Bigfoot trashed Eli’s camp and spiked a tree into his campfire because “he don’t like fire.” I bet that won’t come into play later. But wouldn’t sticking a giant piece of wood into a fire cause more fire?
• I’m pretty sure this Eli character has been introduced just so someone can get killed onscreen by the Bigfoot.
• Eli points out the magical skull thingies again and Tyler says “I don’t believe in fairy tales” but he’s currently hunting fucking Bigfoot.
• I hope Tyler finds his fiancée’s ring in an old pile of Bigfoot shit.
• Eli has said “chief” more times than the total number of times the Kansas City Chiefs have played football games since their inception in 1960.
• The Bigfoot threw a giant rock offscreen at Eli’s leg and it’s one of the funniest things I’ve seen in quite some time.
• Hahaha he did find his fiancée’s ring but it was in a log. Not a log of Bigfoot shit, a regular log. Or maybe it was petrified Bigfoot shit? Regardless, what an astonishing coincidence that he just so happened to come across that precise location in the middle of this large forest.
• You know, I call my daughter “chief” sometimes in good fun, but now I don’t think I could ever do that again. Three more “chiefs” and I’m going to go on the warpath!
• So every time the Bigfoot comes around they either run or take a wild shot or two and that’s it. Isn’t Tyler there to kill it? If so, he’s giving the bare minimum of effort. I give him a 2 for “Commitment to Results” on his evaluation.
• So Eli broke his leg, now they’re just kind of hanging out. Tyler is passively fishing like this is an episode of Naked and Afraid. Except Bigfoot is the only one brave enough to be naked.

• I mean, Tyler has his backpack, did he bring nothing to eat? No protein bars or anything?
• I’d kind of like to know how many minutes of this picture are just shots of walking through the woods. I’m going to guess at least 200 minutes. Also, 200 is the number of times “chief” is said per minute.
• So Eli just wanders off on his gimpy leg while Tyler’s sleeping, and immediately gets eaten by the Bigfoot. What was his plan, exactly? Meanwhile, Tyler finds the Bigfoot eating Eli, and instead of shooting Bigfoot with the gun he’s holding, he chooses to run away. Tyler, you completely suck at hunting Bigfoot, and everything else for that matter.
• You know what? Bigfoot also sucks at hunting Tyler. It pursues him for a few seconds then just stops. These two deserve each other.
• Now Tyler is going full-on Dutch in Predator mode, even though he can’t shoot straight.
• Tyler goes back to Eli’s camp and uses the truck battery for lights, even though he would not have Eli’s keys. Unless maybe he also found them in a pile of Bigfoot shit?
• Where is Lance Henriksen? Is he playing the Bigfoot?
• Tyler wedges a stick on the truck’s horn to get it to continuously honk. This isn’t incredibly annoying at all. R.O.T.O.R. would hate this.

• Tyler jabs the Bigfoot in the gut with his shitty spear, then runs and hides in the truck. Are you not going to shoot the fucking thing, Tyler?
• How could Tyler possibly survive getting punched in the face by Bigfoot?
• I will give this movie credit for one thing: Tyler shoots a can of propane and it doesn’t explode, just shoots out gas. However, Tyler then lights everything on fire, and the Bigfoot just sits there and takes it.
• Burning Bigfoot takes off into the woods. That must smell unbelievably awful.
• I REALLY hope this ends with Tyler’s fiancée coming through the trees with a Bigfoot/human hybrid baby in her arms.
• Oh there’s Lance, visiting Tyler in the hospital. Then he gives a nonsensical speech about monsters and it’s like he’s recruiting Tyler for a Bigfoot Avengers. 
• It ends with a screen telling us that Tyler and Lance will return in a sequel called The Monster Chronicles. And a quick IMDb check reveals that that movie doesn’t exist. Well, it’s only been 6 years, so there’s still time. But bonus: I also learned that Tyler played Macho Man Randy Savage in that “Young Rock” show, so it wasn’t a total loss.

Final Thoughts: This movie is actually shot pretty well for what it is. I guess when you don’t have to really worry about sets and stuff you can afford better filming equipment. But I don’t know, it’s just fine. Very paint-by-numbers kind of stuff. Recommended for fans of Macho Chief Randy Chiefage.

Score: 5 Chiefs Per Second (out of 10)