Schlocktoberfest XIII – Day 18: The Slayer

The Slayer (1982)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: A bunch of people go to an island, there’s a hurricane, there’s some nightmares, and then some slaying.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

Another movie that wastes no time, a few seconds of music then TITLE CARD!
This woman Kay is almost paler than Aubrey Plaza.
I think the source of Kay’s nightmares has something to do with David’s mustache.
Thanks to Stranger Things, the font called ITC Benguiat is now the second biggest indication that you’re in the 80’s. The first being if you hear the first few chords of “True.”
Finally, a shower scene with some nudity. Much obliged Ma’am, I was beginning to worry that I picked 80’s slashers all written and directed by Puritans.
We lingered a little too long on Eric’s shaving nick. Dramatic foreshadowing?
So they’re all on vacation on an island off of Georgia right? I kinda zoned out there for a few.
This McNally put all of his money towards the interior of this house and not the exterior, we get it, it’s nice inside – move on.
Marsh the pilot knocks on the door with as much sinister foreboding as we can handle.
Kay’s not quite the Chatty Kathy is she.
First obviously placed victim gets a rowing oar to the skull thus commencing the slaying as advertised.
Ok, this Eric guy here needs to be killed off soon – he’s annoying as fuck and his impressions are not good.
Kay really is not the life of the party.
We’re almost a half hour in here kids, and there’s been only one slaying. I want to speak to this movie’s shop steward.
That was some of the worst sex ever to be filmed with consent.
It’s a good thing McNally had all of those creaks installed in the floors.
I guess we’re gonna watch David comb over the entire house fixing loose windows.
Nope, he gets hung by an elevator door and his body is then dragged away by who I have to guess is The Slayer.
I guess The Slayer will just wait for everyone in the house to just come to him.
Well it’s dawn now, so nothing scary will happen anymore.
Took me this long for the first Slayer joke:
Kay’s nightmares look like they’re gonna be problematic.
J-Rock from Trailer Park Boys! That’s who Eric looks exactly like.
As Eric says there’s nothing up here to no one, his brother’s blood stain would beg to differ.
Kay is anger-sketching in the corner like Ellen Sandweiss. Maybe we shouldn’t have brought her on vacation.
Eric belts down almost a teaspoon of cognac – it must be bad out there if he’s hitting the stuff that hard.
How much longer are we gonna search for David? Natalie Halloway didn’t have it this good.
Kay’s awful posture almost accents her complete lack of allure.
David’s headless corpse hanging upside down from the roof of the old theater was from left field.
Eric accuses Kay of killing her black kitten when they were kids, I knew this chick was a nut bar.
Kay says that this Slayer character was responsible for the feline homicide.
A killer that only shows up when Kay is sleeping, and she’s pounding coffee so she stays awake to fight him. Stop me if you’ve heard any of this before.
A brilliant deduction by Eric pins the blame on Marsh the pilot. Boo.
Another filler block of Eric walking around with a flashlight. Was Duracell involved with the production of this movie?
Yes we are gonna film every drawer looking for more flares.
The Slayer with a new way of doing it! He casts a bunch of lures into Eric’s yuppie face and foul hooks him right into the ocean.
If these four knuckleheads just went to Mer-tile Beach, this all could have been avoided.
Another thunderstorm is just insult to injury now.
Brooke figures out what Kay meant when she said, “Queen” but the Slayer pitchforks her through the back and tits.
“Queen” was a boat by the way
So far this movie is just everyone screaming everyone else’s name on the beach.
Kay finds Eric’s body washed up on the dock – looking like a Romero zombie and rocking it like a Kintner boy.
Brooke’s body is on the beach with crabs eating her face. #ouchy
What is really goin’ on here? Is Kay the killer? Is this Slayer monster bullshit?
Everyone is dead because of the monster I created in my dreams, so I better close all the storm windows by golly.
Now we’re gonna watch Kay barricading all the doors to stay awake. Can we de-noue-fucking-ment this movie already?
Coffee and cigarettes instead of cocaine – Kay chose to go Tom Waits instead of Motley Crue.
Not to judge Kay, but if you inhale that cigarette, the changes of nicotine getting into your system to keep you awake goes up by a factor of ten
Or you can burn your hand with it like a transcontinental trucker. That’ll work too.
The storm kills the generator, so now there’s no power and no more fucking cliches to utilize – let’s wrap it up people.
Is there a worst final girl category in this year’s round-up? I have my nominee if so.
Jesus, the filmmakers stole those last two shots of the kitchen right out of Halloween.
Kay thinks she’s attacked by The Slayer, except it’s Marsh the pilot and she shoots him with the flare gun killing him and setting the house on fire. Should have never brought her on vacation.
There’s some sort of melting skeleton monster at the door, shot in the dark, The Slayer? There’s a metric fuck-ton of lightning and screaming, then………..
Kay is a kid on Christmas morning, and her family is waiting for her to get out of bed and open her presents. One of the presents is a black kitten! The whole movie was a premonition, holy shit! Kay lies in bed terrified knowing she just saw her future. A total shit movie, but a great mind-fuck of an ending.