Night School (1981)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: In her first film, Rachel Ward is caught up in a web of intrigue, gory murder, and getting raspberries smeared on her in the shower.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Welcome to Boston everyone. Go Celtics, but fuck the Pats and fuck the Sox.

• I’m currently writing this on a semi-remote farm in Vermont during a pretty intense thunderstorm. It may be totally inapplicable to this review, but it helps the mood and if you’re not interested, well I can’t say that I blame you.

• Aside from Rachel Ward, this cast is a who’s who of who cares.

• Nowadays a lovely school teacher sitting on a roundabout with a pinwheel would probably be triggering for most kids.

• Oh shit, it’s the killer from Nail Gun Massacre?

• The killer spins the teacher ‘round like a record, like a record baby ‘round ‘round ‘round; then slashes her. Why didn’t she just jump off and run?

• Watching unattractive people talk about their sex is almost as bad as seeing it.

• This guy John looks like a even creepier Adrian Zmed.

• Turns out the teacher was decapitated not just slashed – I apologize.

• Some Lieutenant, he’s playing with the teacher’s pinwheel! That’s called evidence flat foot! Haven’t you ever watched Forensic Files?

• I almost forgot, here’s some aptly titled genius music to read by:
  
  

• The finale of “Seven” almost stole the teacher’s head in a bucket shot completely.

• Say what you will about old cheap slashers, but filming on location is always the way to go. Some of these shots of Boston are absolutely beautiful. There. I said it and I’m glad.

• Ahhh. Back home in the New York groove and writing again in pencil. Huh? Nothing.

• Who doesn’t love an all-girl school from the 80’s?

• Let’s see, the victim was a teacher’s aid to a guy who teaches primitive cultures. I think a red herring might have been thrown?

• 80’s hottie Rachel Ward is, as Arsenio once said, in the house.

• This lieutenant is poorly miscast, the guy has less of a physique than Steven Keaton.

• Eleanor gets creeped out at the diner by what looks like a skinny-retarded Patton Oswalt.

• The song playing in the diner sounds like a Devo wannabe singing over a $10 Casio.

• “There’s a lot of gas and gahhbage bak ‘ere.” In case you forgot we were in Boston.

• Oh shit, creepy bell boy is on his way to creep out Rachel some more. Who saw that comin’?

• This movie really utilizes the classic shot of stalker and victim’s footsteps cut together tensely.

• This creep is really good at stalking. I’m guessing this isn’t his first rodeo.

• Do people still find solace in those flimsy chain-sliding door locks? They’re really easy to kick in ya know. Never mind how I know.

• Rachel gets naked! Yay! Then gets into the shower, duh-duh-duhn. Then the door is opened by someone who opens it just enough to slide back that worthless fucking chain lock. Wah-wah-waaahhhh.

• A very nice “homage” to the end of Halloween with the montage of different rooms in still shots.

• Intruder seen entering the bathroom through the shower curtain – scary music – shower curtain is ripped open…and it’s the douche Professor who we no how guessed was banging Eleanor.

• The shower scene with the Prof. smearing what looks like raspberries all over Eleanor was pretty explicit for 1981. Then again things have gotten more uptight lately.

• By the way, if you use food during sex – you’re doing it wrong no matter how many times you watch 9 1/2 Weeks.
  
  
  

• We go from the raspberry juice in the shower, going full-on Psycho rip-off, to an aquarium. I think I pulled a hammy.

• The killer is at the aquarium. How very convenient.

• Very nice editing with the killer walking the same direction as one of the shark swims.

• Kim the aquarium diver and friend of the first victim gets slashed, decapitated and her head thrown in to the fish tank. Great set piece.

• It was also hysterical when the prop head hit a sea turtle on its way down. I hope the turtle got stunt pay as a result.
  

• The lieutenant and his partner have the chemistry of John Lennon and Mark David Chapman.

• This lieutenant loves talking about his badge, but has yet to have brandished it.

• Oddly enough, the Prof. looks like what would happen if Kelsey Grammar and David Hyde Pierce were melted in a microwave together for 62 seconds.

• Rachel and the Prof. have a lovers’ spat and she heads back to the diner from earlier. A good enough retreat until Cheers was invented a year later.

• Rachel’s pregnant, hiyo! Professor Fertileturtle is in it for the long run now.
  

• After learning he’s to be a father, Professor Shitbag flirts with the fucking waitress.

• Professor Shitshingle then rides around Boston on a Kelly Leak dirt bike.

• Christ, how many students did Professor Dingledong schtoop?

• Lesbian flirting. Right on.

• Looks like Carol the waitress is next to get herself perished.

• It’s always a slow burn to watch a waitress leave an empty restaurant. It seems we always catch them when it’s their turn to lock up for the night.

• Hmm. Seems like every chick that Professor Liquidshit looked at is under attack from the motorcycle helmet killer. Is it too early to state the obvious?

• Ooof! Carol gets Eddard Stark’d in the alley.

• The way this killer just walks around carrying heads makes early 80’s Boston look like Whitechapel in the late 19th century.

• Fess up, you thought Carol’s head was in the pot of beef stew just like we all did.

• Nope, it wasn’t in the bag of melons either.

• It was at the bottom of the sink you silly goose!

• Fellas, did you ever know anyone that had tons of pictures of naked girls all over their walls? We kept our Playboys in hiding places that would rival the witness relocation program.

• Oh for Chrissakes, the bus boy has a goalie mask on his dresser.

• It’s a good thing the mentally challenged have no clue as to what warrants are, or due process.

• For a relationship I thought was supposed to be on the DL, Professor Shutterbug sure has a lot of pictures of him and Eleanor together.

• The lieutenant finds books about headhunters in Papa New Guinea along with pictures of Eleanor and Professor Primesuspect holding bunches of skulls.

• The lesbian Dean just ruined everything for Professor Infidelity, curse her flapping gums.

• From L to R: Strip Nude For Your Killer, Nail Gun Massacre, Night School – same costumer?
  

• Ok, we got twenty minutes to go here folks, let’s start the round-up.

• Geez, the lesbian Dean indulges in the exact same pool of co-eds as Professor Caniwatch does, and she’s giving him shit?

• The Dean is disposed of by the killer in a very cleverly done murder set piece.

• The boy in the bubble, the man in the moon, and the Dean’s head in the toilet.

• Poor Kathy dips her toes into bisexuality and gets her head cut off. You’d think this was in Alabama or somewhere less tolerant.

• C’mon, you honestly didn’t know the killer was Eleanor?

• Even though it wasn’t Professor Redherring, his teachings were a huge part of the motive for Eleanor.

• You know, if every time you cheat on your girl and she kills the women without being caught, all the while saying that she did it ‘cause she loves you – what exactly is the problem?

• Eleanor speeds off on Professor Luckyman’s bike with the lieutenant in hot pursuit.

• This chase sequence is great, it’s the French Connection in Boston.

• And a motorcycle jump! Top Notch!

• Eleanor crashes into a cop car to her death, only to reveal that it was Professor Lastseconddecoy all along!

• I thought it was nice that Eleanor attended Professor Cadaver’s funeral.

• Looks like the lieutenant knows it was Eleanor too, he gets in a good sarcastic last scene cop one-liner.

• Ok, the very last scene of the lieutenants partner attacking him dressed in Eleanor’s biker garb was silly, but it kinda worked.

Final Thoughts:  This movie is now a “cult classic” – which means that 50 other Gen X’ers like myself have praised or shit on it on a horror movie blog at one time or another. I have no idea why this movie was a Video Nasty. Maybe it was the sexuality, the implied misogyny, I dunno. Nevertheless it was a damn fine piece of celluloid.

Score: 6 Times I Watched Rachel Ward’s Shower Scene (out of 10)

Was it Entertaining?: