I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle (1990)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Someone watched Christine and Evil Dead in the same night and drank too many ciders and wrote a hardly funny or entertaining horror-comedy about a possessed motorcycle.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• A Dirk Production?

 

 

 

 

• Anthony Daniels as the Priest. Thank the maker! Shit, this means most of my jokes will be Star Wars related. Oh well.
• The credits had both ‘written and directed by Dirk Campbell’ and ‘Director Dirk Campbell’ later on. The movie dirked so nice they credited him twice!
• A cult leader priest is speaking in dramatic Shakespearean prose using words like thou and thy. I hope the whole movie is spoke this way even though it takes place in contemporary 1990.
• Man, I should’ve watched this movie back in 2016 for Schlocktoberfest 666.
• I don’t have a clue what’s happening now. The priest was killed with a crossbow and now there’s a biker fight. I don’t know who’s the good guys or what. It’s like the fight in Anchorman.
• Why does the priest, who’s now resurrected, have one red Terminator eye?
• He’s breathing harder than Darth Vader too. 
• At any rate he’s bleeding all over one of the motorcycles and possibly humping it to possess it.
• Now the title is I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle but that priest wasn’t really a vampire was he?
• And enter the titular buyer into this dealer/shop seller of fine motorcycles and haggling for the titular chopper.
• His name is Noddy?! Sadly not Noddy Holder from the glam rock band Slade.

• Damn now I wish the whole soundtrack was Slade. And by hell it should be. Slade is the quintessential UK glam band that would’ve fit perfectly with this schlock about a killer motorcycle.
• Shit, now I want to watch Slade in Flame.
• Noddy brings the motorcycle home (the motorcycle is a Norton Commando so hence forth I shall refer to it as the Norton) with his friend Buzzer and when they take the Norton out of Buzzer’s van Buzzer looks at the Norton and takes off its fuel cap and stashes it in his pocket. I’m completely baffled as to why.
• Noddy’s girlfriend is a real cunt.
• Of course Buzzer cuts himself on the Norton which I’m sure did something to get the supernatural ball rolling.
• Next morning, Noddy wakes up and turns to Kim and asks “What’s big, hard, hairy and sticking out of my pajamas.” Kim replies: “your head.” Well she’s not wrong.
• After she turns down his advances he asks her if she’d fancy a cup of tea. Isn’t starting the day with a cup of tea compulsory in the UK and shouldn’t need to be asked?
• Buzzer left the fuel cap in the garage after all. Again, not sure what this all means.
• Someone called Noddy and Kim’s  office to let them know Buzzer had an accident and they need to go to his house right away. Umm, why don’t they call an ambulance to take him to the hospital instead?
• This old bird just mentioned she thought Buzzer was watching one of his Video Nasties. Pfft, most of our Schlocktoberfests are Video Nasties. Just ask Jim.
• Noddy tells the Inspector that Buzzer’s state last night was “a lot better than he is now. It’s not like ol’ Buzzer to go to pieces” as we see that Buzzer’s severed head lying on the floor. Hardy-har-har.
• Noddy notices a very string garlic smell in Buzzer’s flat. And moments later we cut to a full moon and we hear a wolf howling. Which is it movie? Is it vampires or werewolves?!
• Hahahaha. As Kim is examining if the tank on the Norton is straight, Noddy sneaks behind her and grabs both her breasts. He then asks an annoyed Kim if she wants him to move them (implying his hands) and she says yes but then he moves her breasts. I’m gonna try that bit as soon as my wife allows me to touch her breasts again.

• But besides this and her turning down his sexual advances earlier, I’m not sure how passionately in love these kids are. She keeps turning him down.
• Noddy starts the Norton and tells Kim to watch it and make sure it doesn’t stall as he goes to the house to fetch his helmet. Why didn’t he get the helmet first and then start the Norton.
• This is a confusing scene. Noddy’s on the road and so are the motorcycle gang from the beginning of the film (I’m assuming). We then see flashbacks to the beginning when the priest was killed and then Noddy loses control of the Norton, implying it has a mind of its own and attacks the other cycles. My confusion is mainly that how did the Norton recognize the rival gang from so far away and in the dark?
• I don’t know if Noddy regained control but he didn’t stop to help out the gang in the accident he caused.
• Man, Kim is such a fucking killjoy. She doesn’t like anything Noddy does and is constantly nagging him.
• Noddy just had a nightmare that he almost got busted by smoking a doobie in his home when the inspector arrived to ask him a couple of questions. When the inspector says that he and Kim have a weak alibi he gives Noddy a plastic bag that he says belonged to Buzzer. When Noddy looks inside it’s Buzzer’s severed head that happily says “hello Noddy!” and then Noddy wakes up.
• OK. I was totally not prepared for this next scene. Toilet bowl POV shot straight up to Noddy’s ass as he gets up after taking a shit. A shit that is anthropomorphic and talking to him. Then the turd jumps out of the bowl into Noddy’s mouth! And for some reason Noddy can’t spit out the turd not use his hands to get it out. BUT IT WAS ALL JUST ANOTHER DREAM!!!!
• Now a stray dog is pissing on the Norton—which for some reason is parked outside Noddy’s house instead of his garage. Then we hear the dog wince in pain.
• I’ve never seen a funeral procession with just motorcycles. Buzzer’s casket is in a sidecar!

• So as the rival motorcycle gang approaches the funeral and makes a mockery of it they turn a corner and almost hit an elderly man crossing the street. The old man gets upset and walks in the middle of the street to yell at the gang but then gets hit by a car. Not sure what this scene is in here.
• Only in England is it acceptable for a motorcycle enthusiast to walk up to a bartender and ask for a pint of cider.
• The rival gang leader kinda reminds me of Rik Mayall. That should give anyone an indication of how tough he comes across.
• This pub has a banquet hall that looks like something out of a medieval castle. In fact the gang leader pulls the knight’s armor sword to use in the bar brawl that Noddy and Kim are involved in.
• Noddy and Kim escape the fight and drive over to a Chinese restaurant that has the sign that says “Oriental Chinese” on top and Fu-King on the window. Hahaha
• And of course a gong sounds when the Asian proprietor comes on screen.
• Kim asks for garlic prawns from outside on the Norton and the fear of garlic makes the Norton take her away. 
• Kim’s crucifix saves her. So again, we’re using Vampire rules for what seemed like a normal satanist in the beginning of the film.
• The gang members who started the var brawl are still drinking and getting drunk at the same bar they helped destroy. Brits.
• The chubby biker of the gang goes outside and sees the Norton (who I’m assuming is just itching for a fight or food) and takes her for a revenge ride. He of course gets attacked while riding it.
• Weird thing is the Norton just impales his leg while riding her and then stops short to throw him off so he gets impaled on a sharp fence post. If it was a vampire wouldn’t it want to drink its victim’s blood? I think this is the point where I should stop thinking so much.
• I’m just afraid that the humor will never improve and that the rest of the film will be the Norton singularly attacking this rival gang for revenge.
• Oh yeah Noddy has no clue where Kim went (and assumes she took the Norton to on a spin herself) but he bought Chinese Food and is now making a nasty hard-boiled egg sandwich while he calls the authorities to find her. How much time has passed?
• Hahaha. Someone called Noddy to notify him about Kim and he hangs up and says “Stupid bitch.” That’s what I’ve been saying since the beginning.
• I’m shocked that the inspector’s name isn’t Van Helsing.
• Not exactly sure why the Inspector is arresting the Rik Mayall biker. Does he think that he killed his friend who they also found decapitated on the street?
• The Norton is stalking a victim in an alley and it’s just rolling silently. So I guess it doesn’t need to be started nor needs gasoline….er….petrol to run?
• Oh it’s a running gag then? The old man that was hit by a car after the funeral is hit again when a nurse tries to wheel him across another street. I can’t wait for the third unfunny vehicular assault on the poor bastard.
• These cops are very close talkers. It’s making me uncomfortable.

• Now the Norton is attacking a traffic warden who’s issuing a ticket when she sees that it has a broken headlamp. Apparently it’s sucking her blood and refueling its tank with it (it runs on human blood!) but now the headlamp is like a giant mouth with the glass acting like teeth. But ever since this seen it was using the lamp as an eye and we even had shots using it as its POV. How can it be both?!
• It can also magically open Noddy’s garage doors.
• Like Christine, The Norton treats Noddy like a master or the very least doesn’t try to harm him. Not sure why.
• This movie just made C-3PO mutter “Pull the other one.” Nice.
• It’s weird hearing Anthony Daniels say something and NOT have R2-D2’s beeps come right afterwards.
• Noddy offers Daniels a ride on his bike (obviously not the Norton) and Daniels states that he “can’t possibly ride in one of those.” Now I’m clever enough to assume the joke is he has his own motorcycle, one that he thinks is superior to Noddy’s. And sure enough he rolls next to Noddy on a. Motorbike, however it’s a glorified tricycle. Not sure if that’s because he’s a priest (tricycle = holy trinity) or that Daniels just couldn’t actually ride a two-wheeled motorcycle. I’m giving the film waaaaay too much credit for the former.
• Love the crucifix film transitions/wipes as we see them ride side-by-side like CHiPs.

• Oh come on! This film blew a great opportunity to have Daniels’ bike license plate have C3PO on it. Remember, this film isn’t taking itself any seriously for that kind of sight gag or Easter egg.
• Daniels tries to wheel the Norton outside to examine it in the light and its refusing because its daylight after all. When Daniels tries harder it snaps off his fingers using the brake lever.
• Daniels says that the bike is possessed by a demon and that this demon is a vampire. Vampires are not demons dude.
• So weird hearing Daniels talk about the hierarchy of demons in hell.

• Daniels exorcism tools include crucifix throwing stars.
• This film just made C-3PO say “Let’s go kick some bottom.” 
• I was just looking up who plays Noddy and apparently he’s the voice of the UK Bob the Builder.
• For some weird supernatural reason The Norton is controlling Noddy’s other bike miles away and makes it stall.
• Again, the film failed in putting in a decent Easter egg of having Daniels not put in some foreign Star Wars words mixed in with he latin he’s yelling in the exorcism.
• At first the exorcism was going poorly since The Norton magically made screwdrivers impale Daniels hands to the wall and gives him a barbed wire crown of thorns. But then Daniels overcomes this obstacle with more magic latin and subdues the evil spirit. But once they conclude the exorcism with holy water the water causes the Norton to transform into a very evil-looking motorcycle and now it’s attacking them harder.
• I wish me and my wife could lovingly enjoy sausage together like these two police officers.
• I mean Anthony Daniels looks like he’s having fun in this silly flick but I’m curious as to how he got roped into this when most if his acting is in Star Wars or doing VO work. Looking at his filmography he’s basically been in 2 non-Star Wars movies and some TV.
• Hilariously the Norton crashes throughout the hospital window to get to Kim. It then attacks a nurse and it has fangs now. I’m not a motorcycle enthusiast or anything but I’m pretty sure the filmmakers just stuck random thin pipes on the bike for the fangs instead of utilizing the actual components of a bike to make it more relative.
• That was strange. While the Norton was attacking the nurse, the nurse was pinned against the wall by a nurse cart that the Norton was pushing while it was impaling her neck. After it was done sucking her blood and pulls away to go to Kim, the nurse falls apart at the waist. Not sure if that was a gag since the Norton was hardly pushing hard against the cart. 
• Welp, the Rik Mayall biker is finally dead. I think. I dunno he was thrown off the road by Norton into a mortuary, landed in a coffin and the lid shut closed on him. You know that classic bit.

• Why hasn’t anyone thought of slashing the Norton’s tires? Sorry “tyres.”
• Noddy threw the Norton into a lake and thinks he’s won. But there’s still 11 minutes left so I’m just waiting this dreck out at this point.
• This spoof is just not over the top enough.
• At the slow-as-balls rate that the Norton’s spike came up through that victim’s hand, he definitely had enough time to get his hand away before he was impaled.
• This is the slowest autonomous vampire motorcycle of all time. It has a top speed of 4 MPH.
• Not sure if this was supposed to be funny but the Norton is in a gym with maybe 8 body builders and Noddy and it’s only attacking Noddy and the bodybuilders seem really confused as to what’s happening. No one is really helping Noddy but just getting out of the way of the Norton.
• The inspector, Noddy, Daniels and Kim just watch that poor bodybuilder get killed.
• The Norton is being harmed by the tanning bed’s UV rays!
• Now it’s being harmed by the inspector’s garlic breath!
• Now we’re back to using the tanning bed’s rays. 
• And now it’s slowly melting away.
• Later on in the near future, Noddy is working inches garage when he cuts himself and somehow he still has another Norton gas tank that sucks ups his bloody rag. I smell SEQUEL!

 

Was it Entertaining: Sometimes. Like I said this could’ve worked if it was zanier or even funnier. I did like some parts. Also, not sure if this was just my video or not but it was very dark and grainy and looked way older than 1990. But ultimately this one sounded more fun on paper. 

Any Good Gore: Despite it having a few decapitations this was fairly tame in the ol’ blood n’ guts department. The nurse getting severed in twain was kinda nice actually.

Any Nudity: No. And that’s fine.

Best Quote:  Sadly this isn’t a very quotable flick. Gun to my head it would be the “a lot better than he is now. It’s not like ol’ Buzzer to go to pieces” gag.

Best Scene: The talking turd scene was easily the most memorable. If only the rest of the flick was this zany.

 

Worst Scene: I dunno. The lackluster finale I suppose. Having an incredibly slow and quiet killer motorcycle in a sports gymnasium being killed by a tanning bed isn’t my idea of excitement.

Final Thoughts: I could’ve sworn that I read somewhere that this was a bona fide crazy cult classic and a must-see for bad film enthusiasts. Well that’s a big hard nope. It was like a bad joke that someone thought was funny enough to make into a feature film. I joke earlier by saying someone must’ve watched Christine and Evil Dead and wanted to make something that combined the tone and styles of both but this was one of the more boring entries that I watched for a Schlocktoberfest. I guess I didn’t hate it but I can guarantee I will forget most of it by next year. I usually love British humor, especially the absurd humor like Monty Python but this was pale in comparison.

Score: 4 Talking Turds (out of ten)