Hard Ticket to Ho-Ho-Home Video: Schlockmas: All I Want For Christmas


All I Want For Christmas (1991)


*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About:
 Siblings Hallie and Ethan only want one thing for Christmas: Their parents to get back together. So they scheme an implausible and boring plot to do just that. 

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

  • Remember Thora Birch?
  • Choir boys acting up while singing “Comfort & Joy.” Like really acting up. One looks like he’s reading a nudie magazine.
  • Why did Thora sell her mittens? No, Seriously why?
  • Andrea Martin is in this playing a pregnant heavy-accented polish aunt (I think). This was 1991, wasn’t Andrea Martin over 40 by now? Kinda old to be playing a pregnant lady, no?
  • This 90’s douche. Oh wait I’m confusing him for someone else. I think.
  • Kevin Nealon is the new beau for the divorced mom? That’s no contest. The divorced dad’s chin is more handsome then Kevin Nealon. This is comparing White Castle sliders for Ruth Chris’ prime rib.
  • I think “Yakety-Yak” was only written to be a movie montage song for future films that need a old timely rock n’ roll tune. See also: The Great Outdoors.
  • Ethan Embry, sorry Randall, is telling his sister that she can’t ask Santa for the gift of getting their parents back together because Santa has certain rules. It sounds like he actually believes these rules and not saying them for the sake of his sister’s feelings.
  • Leslie Nielsen is Santa! Surely you can’t be serious?

Surely, you can’t be Santa?
I am Santa and don’t call me Shirley.

  • Is there a point to this family being very wealthy? Wouldn’t a more humble family be easier to identify with for a holiday movie?
  • Never thought I’d see a duet between Lauren Bacall and Thora Birch singing “Baby it’s Cold Outside.” Just adds to the creepiness to that already uncomfortable song.
  • So this is not a very holiday-themed movie as I thought. It’s set during the holidays and Birch is hoping Santa gets her folks back together but otherwise this is as much a holiday movie as Die Hard and Gremlins is.
  • I mean is Santa in any way, shape, or form going to influence this film’s plot? My bet is no.
  • Deaf as a door knob?” Is that a common expression? I thought it was “Dead as a door knob” or is it “dead as a doornail?” What’s a doornail anyway and how does it matter to life and death?
  • I don’t think telling his ex-wife that he possibly made her life difficult is going to patch up their marriage now boyo.
  • Nealon asks Birch if she wants to be a ballerina when she grows up. Sadly, I don’t think her pornographer manager father would allow that career path.
  • Ethan is watching old family home videos and making himself depressed for no real good reason. C’mon dude, Xmas season already is depressing enough.
  • Another one of those movies where an 8-year-old kid walks herself a few city blocks alone.
  • This weird rich girl dancing with Ethan is talking about Nazi’s!
  • “I want to know the connection between Ethan Embry and the Nazi’s!”
  • “You know who likes you? Kevin Marrs and he’s really into Nazi’s” This movie’s really unconventional!
  • Why exactly are the kids releasing mice into the living room where their mom and grandmother are wedding planning? To scare off the wedding planner? Couldn’t they simply be super duper jerks and run around and not infest their house with vermin? Stupid!
  • Man, this movie is really really boring.

This mouse says that Dennis Miller was a better Weekend Update correspondent.

  • It’s Christmas Eve and Ethan’s plan is to ask his mom if he can stay at his friends house? Huh?! What parent would actually allow that? We know he’s lying and staying somewhere else but that doesn’t matter, the fact that he’s picking xmas eve to sleep over a friend’s house is absurd. Why don’t he just sneak out or run away.
  • Weird seeing a Ben & Jerry’s truck in a movie in 1991. I know they’ve been around for a long time but they weren’t the big name they are now back then. Did this movie bring them greater exposure?
  • Speaking of, these creep kids just locked Kevin Nealon in the back of the truck to get rid of him. And then they make his car get towed. What little assholes.
  • I have zero memory of this movie back in 1991. Seriously, none. Isn’t that kinda weird?
  • This is the flimsiest plan for these kids to get their folks together ever. Seriously this is incredibly lame. Besides being convoluted and hinged on complete luck and coincidence, it’s downright boring as hell.
  • If Ethan had the key to his dad’s diner all this time, then why was he complaining about freezing outside a moment ago?!
  • No. He’s not actually funny. Sorry. Nothing in this movie is funny or emotionally rewarding or even interesting.
  • Why is the dad sleeping on the couch in his own apartment when his ex-wife was planning on sleeping with Birch in the kid’s bed? There was no scene or dialogue of him letting her take his bed in the bedroom. And to make matters weirder, Birch (fake-sleeping) tosses and turns so much in the twin bed that the mom has to leave and then goes to sleep on the couch with the dad. So unnecessary! Just have him sleep in the bed and then have her come up to his bedroom to sleep in the same bed. Nevermind, I’m obviously thinking more than I should for this piece of garbage.

How’s your career going?
Meager. And you?

  • And why are the parents sleeping this early when Ethan and his girlfriend are still eating and in the diner downstairs? How early are they sleeping? Or how late are the kids eating?! Is it only 10:00 PM?
  • I’m not sure what happened because we didn’t see it but the kids playing outside the diner saw what seemed to be a shooting star flew across the sky. I guess it’s some sort of Xmas miracle star and now their folks are back together? Then why is there 18 minutes left in the film?!
  • “There’s all these pieces that don’t fit together but They do fit together.” Umm. Huh?
  • The parents are looking for their missing kids and don’t bother looking in the dad’s diner downstairs?!
  • Lauren Bacall is calling the exterminator company to complain about the bill on Xmas morning?
  • Why is Lauren Bacall in this anyway? She’s completely wasted here.
  • Oh yeah, Andrea Martin was in this. The film and I totally forgot about her. It seems her only reason being here was to be pregnant and go into labor on Christmas morning to have the paramedics and police arrive at the house and make the kids think that their plan backfired and caused too much of a stir. sigh.
  • Wow. Nealon really stated his case well for why the kids are brats. Real wise move there dipshit. If he simply told them that they locked him in an ice cream cooler truck and he froze his ass off all the way to New Jersey and had to cab it all the way back to Manhattan then maybe the wife would’ve been more receptive to his being so angry with the kids.
  • So no shock here but the dumb plan worked.
  • So Leslie Nielsen Santa comes over to give Birch her mouse back. A. How did he know where she lived? B. Where did he find the mouse? C. Why is he still dressed as Santa on Christmas morning? and D. Is this movie trying to say that Santa is real?
  • This is worse than a Hallmark or Lifetime Xmas movie.

Roy Moore absolutely loved me in American Beauty. He told me countless times when I bumped into him at the mall.

Is It Actually Jolly: I saw the poster and saw a Santa tied up in tinsel garland upside down like he was a tortured hostage of the kids and I foolishly assumed that this would somehow be a part of the flick. Not literally even but at least some clever scheme to have the kids hatch to try to get their folks back together. Hell, they didn’t really have a scheme but just hoped getting the parents together one night would fix everything. Macaulay Culkin had a well thought out and interesting plan!

Jolliest Moment: There was literally only one decent gag in this family comedy. When Kevin Nealon calls the mom from Jersey, we see someone carrying his cold suit frozen in the sitting position. Because he was stuck in a long drive down to Jersey in the cooler truck and froze. Because even if the truck went to Atlantic City from Manhattan, that really wouldn’t take that long to freeze someone’s suit solid.

Does this hat make me look pretentious?

Dumbest Moment: There’s a lot but I was really annoyed at Ethan Embry Randall’s monologue about why they schemed, lied and nearly killed Kevin Nealon for the sake of getting his folks back together. Besides the atrocious acting by Mr. Embry Randall the dialogue is terrible and the explanation was so poorly written I wished I was deaf as a doorknob. 

Overall: Early 90s family comedy with Leslie Nielsen as Santa? I thought it would at least be entertaining. I also thought it was some forgotten Xmas gem that my girls would enjoy. Not even close. This was literally one of the worst xmas movies I’ve ever seen. It’s still not as bad as Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny but it’s up there. It currently holds a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes and it definitely deserves it.

Score: 1 Deaf Doorknobs (out of 10)

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