Alice, Sweet Alice (1976)

Trailer:

This trailer is so weird. First the “too young to make love” line, ewwwwww. And then it makes it seem like Brooke shields is the star and probably the killer and likely Alice, and she’s in the movie for about the first 6 minutes.

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: A young girl runs a factory that makes candy masks. 

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• What crazy shenanigans will we see at Mel’s Diner this time??

• Oh…

• So for whatever reason I was TERRIFIED of this flick when I was a kid. The only thing I remember about it is the mask, but that scared the shit out of me. Why was this movie even on my radar at age 7? Maybe it was just the video box? Or it was playing on HBO a lot? Who the fuck knows. Who the fuck cares?

• Why are these masks so prevalent in this town? Is that their chief export?

• I’ve also always hated extraordinarily poor sound recording in movies, so maybe that has something to do with it. It sounds like it was recorded with one of those tin can string phones three towns over, whose main export is shitty microphones.

• Landlords should band together to protest their unfair portrayal in movies over the years. They’re always gross assholes.
  

  This one looks like a cross between Oxblood Oxheart and Divine’s scrotum
• Why are all these little girls getting married? Sick.

• Alice murders her sister in a crowded church. Hey that will save on funeral services.

• I think Alice might be Alinsane. That worked better in my head.

• Hey strangle your sister with a candle then burn the body with the candle. No murder weapon, no crime! I do not understand the law.

• I thought Brooke Shields would have had a bigger role. Didn’t they know she was on the cusp of stardom and those insanely creepy nude modeling photos? That photographer deserved more jail time than Alice. Along with Brooke Shields’ mother for signing a consent form, and Hugh Hefner because the photos were published in a Playboy magazine called Sugar ‘n’ spice. Hey, everyone, Hugh Hefner was actually kind of a piece of shit.

• Is this going to be more psychological crime drama than horror film? Shit.

• Alice’s aunt is almost as big a jerkweed as she is.

• Oh so looks like Alice will be killing more family members and that pervert who looks like King Kong Bundy’s thumb.

• So the plot will probably be along the lines of that Macaulay Culkin movie where he hates his brother and attempts murder. Home Alone. 

• When does Alice Cooper show up?

• This disgusting morbidly obese cat pervert is singlehandedly keeping this movie afloat. Or maybe he’s the worst part. I’ll get back to you on that.

• Alice’s mask kind of looks like Groucho Marx as a drag queen. Or Gene Shalit. 
  

  Scene from Alice, Sweet Alice
• Alice stabs her aunt in the leg and foot in the apartment stairwell. You get away with one murder and you think you can just do it anywhere.

• I really hope that disgusting morbidly obese cat pervert somehow becomes the hero of this movie. I also lament that he’s not being played by an orangutan. You never see a movie with an orangutan landlord.

• Jay J. Armes would have solved this case 40 minutes ago. 
  

  “You see, Alice could not have done it, because she doesn’t live here anymore!” Why didn’t Jay J. Armes have his own TV show? Audiences would have been hooked.
• Why are Alice’s teeth so filthy?
• This is getting as dull as a pencil in an alternate universe where pencil sharpeners were never invented. 

• I’m not a huge Star Wars guy but right now I feel the presence of Greedo would really help this movie.
• There’s some dude named Dom who’s prominently involved in the middle part of the movie and I have no idea who the fuck he is. 
• Who the fuck is Angela? What did I miss? I guess this is what happens when you watch a movie over multiple nights because it’s a chore. 
• I am so fucking lost. Why is the old woman from one earlier scene now killing people with the Alice mask on? Was she Alice this whole time?
• Wait I think Dom was Alice’s dad, split from his mom? Probably? I guess it doesn’t matter. I guess nothing really matters. 
• I’m so bored. Let me look up what else the director, Alfred Sole, has done… Hmm, not much. His follow-up in 1980 is called Tanya’s Island, what’s that about… A female model faces off against an ape on a tropical island. WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT???!!!
  

  I’m so apeset that I could be watching this movie about gorillove.
• Wait, when did Alice come home from the nuthouse? Must have been when I wasn’t paying attention whatsoever. 
• Twelve minutes left, thank God, but it doesn’t seem we’re reaching any sort of denouement. 
• Alice puts a jar of cockroaches on the sleeping perverts morbidly obese chest. What’s that supposed to do?
• Then he wakes up and the old lady ends up stabbing him. But what good would that do? That would be like sticking a small grain of rice into a 5 gallon tub of butter. 
• Ok the old lady just stabbed the priest in the neck at church and everyone just stared. I guess they’re numb to feeling anything now, just like me.

Scare Level: The mask is the scariest part of the movie, and it’s really not that bad if you think about it. In fact, why is the pretty lady mask a thing? If you’re a pretty lady, you don’t need the mask, and if you’re not, wearing the pretty lady mask is pretty sad. and if you’re a man wearing the pretty lady mask, now that’s frightening. So I guess the pretty lady mask is scary, depending on the wearer.

Gore Level: Some bloody stabbings but this is more of a psychological joint.

Nudity Level: None that I recall, thank god. If you really want to see an underage Brooke Shields nude, talk to Hugh Hefner in hell.

Best Worst Line EVER: Detective Cranston: “She is a weird little girl. Did you notice her tits? When I put the tube around her she looked at me, like she wanted me to feel her up.” WHAT THE FUCK???!!!

Best Scene: You know what, I don’t really have one. Hey, it was filmed in Paterson, New Jersey!

Worst Scene: The bug thing is so dumb. And why do they have the same mask?

Overall: On one hand, I’m glad I got to exorcise this demon. The movie that scared the hell out of me as a kid turned out to be a total dud as an adult. That VHS cover can’t hurt me now. Now I’m just bored and angry about the sexualization of little girls in this. I understand one of the underlying points of the picture was Alice becoming a woman (the other being Catholicism is just nutty!), but fuck that. If the filmmakers’ intention was to make me feel extraordinarily uncomfortable, then job well done. But that doesn’t mean your movie doesn’t suck cat turds. There are elements of a good scary thriller here but it’s mishandled and plays its reveal way too early. Now I need to end this review before my kid looks at the screen and sees the poster and it scars her for years.

Score: 2.5 Kisses of My Grits (out of 10)