Home Video Alert: The Accountant

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The Accountant (2016)

 

the-accountant-blu-rayNew on home video today is The Accountant which is about an accountant at tax time who is literally up to his mother fucking eyeballs in tax return bullshit and he’s basically working around the clock with no breaks whatsoever so he hasn’t eaten in several days and he has to shit in his wastebasket next to his desk but since he hasn’t eaten it doesn’t really matter anyway but since he hasn’t slept either he’s so bleary-eyed that there’s absolutely no way his shit would ever land in the wastebasket and he also has to piss in a jug and the only jug he has handy is his great-grandfather’s old music jug that he used to play when he was in a jug band in the 1920s called Lowe O’Juggs and His Jugg-A-Lowes and it’s a priceless family heirloom because Lowe O’Juggs once sold his soul to the devil to become the greatest jug player in the world which was a pretty stupid thing to sell your soul for because nobody gave a tinker’s damn about jug music even in the 1920s and there wasn’t a ton of distinction between the best jug player and the worst jug player so while he had some moderate success it wasn’t enough to feed his considerably large Irish family on so he took what money he made from the jug band and started an accounting firm which is where his grandson works today and he’s been there for several days straight like I said not eating or sleeping or drinking anything so there’s hardly any piss to go into the jug either but since he’s starving and bleary-eyed and dehydrated there’s just no way he’d even be able to get a piss stream to go into the jug even if he stuck his pecker right in the mouth of it and he would never do that anyway because he did it once when he was fresh out of college and the jug got stuck on his wiener and would not come off no matter what and he didn’t want to break the jug because it was a priceless family heirloom that belonged to his great-grandfather Lowe O’Juggs plus he didn’t want to risk cutting his fandangler on jug shards so all he could do was chug a bunch of water and keep pissing into the jug until the jug was full and his wiener just floated out which surprisingly worked because maybe there was still a little devil magic left in that jug but it was definitely long gone after that day but anyway back to the present he manages to finish all of his tax work one second before the midnight deadline and then he dies from pure exhaustion but the devil comes out of the jug and brings him back to life and grants him one wish but his wish is for the sweet sleep of death so the devil says “Ok” and smashes the jug over his head killing him and getting piss all over the place because the jug was full from the first day he had to use the jug but this also kills the devil because his very essence was tied to the jug and the devil’s demise means that the world is now free from paying taxes and on every Tax Day thereafter people gather in the streets to play jug band music with piss-filled jugs in honor of The Accountant.

Own it today!

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