Hello and Welcome to our newest category: SCHLOCK WATCH! Schlocktoberfest is always a high point for Hard Ticket to Home Video so we decided that reviewing only horror flicks just isn’t enough sadomasochism and we should be covering all the genres like Sci-Fi, Action/Adventure, Post-Nuke, Kung-Fu flicks, Rape/Revenge flicks, Blaxploitation flicks, Movies about Gladiators, etc! May Crom have mercy on our souls.

Treasure of the Moon Goddess (1987)

Full Movie:

*Spoilers Throughout*

Director: José Luis García Agraz (This movie is his only English-speaking credit)

Schlock Category: Action/Adventure, Comedy, Thriller

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• The narrator has this horrible Brooklyn accent.
• This is one terrible Indiana Jones homage.
• DON CALFA!
• 7 minutes in and already gratuitous T&A. Granted it’s Don Calfa being a peeping Tom but this is what passed for comic-relief in the 80s. 
• We are greeted now to a very un-PC homosexual stereotype housekeeper. Again, it was the 80s.
• LINNEA QUIGLEY! A Return of the Living Dead reunion!
• A midget chasing a pig! This movie’s got it all.
• This is one slow moving picture. Don Calfa is Linnea’s manager. For some reason he runs afoul of some gangsters and is forced to do something (I’m only slightly paying attention plus the sound quality is tough to hear) and he’s trying to leave this island. He tries to get one this one fellas boat and is thrown off.
• A scene later we see the fella who threw Calfa overboard talking to his associate who’s lambasting him for over spending their money and that they need commissions. So why did he throw off Calfa?!
• Now he takes Calfa and Quigley on his boat. What a complete waste of time!!!
• I just realized that Calfa is the narrator. The reason I didn’t realize it earlier is because I really don’t think it’s the same voice. I don’t think they had ADR in the budget because there are no over-dubbing. 
• At least this movie has plenty of bikini babes. Would make Andy Sidaris proud.

Quigley Down Under!

• This is one boring ass gun fight.
• What exactly were those pirates hoping to accomplish by blowing up Sam Kidd’s boat?
• Why and how did Calfa get lost from the group hiking in the jungle?! He should’ve just been walking with them.
• There’s so many inconsequential scenes in this flick. Calfa gets stuck in quicksand and is quickly rescued. Then they get out of the jungle onto a road where other Latinos are waiting for a bus. The bus arrives and they ride for a while. Calfa is in the back with a couple of cows and he’s stuck between them while they urinate on him. Then they take a rest and get dirty water from a hut. Nothing of worth has been happening.
• So if I could back up a bit…apparently the gangster, Diaz, has this artifact called the Moon Goddess which bares a resemblance to pop star Quigley. Diaz wants to use Quigley to influence jungle natives to letting Diaz to get those treasure. How on Earth does Diaz even know that the natives will even worship Quigley? And even if they did, what makes him believe that they will do what he says? Ponderous plan!
• Bar brawl!! Hahaha Sam Kidd whips some thug with a cobra and it gets wrapped around his neck.
• “Now that’s a pig pile.” Says Sam as he stacks the bodies of 4 banditos on top of each other. Very Looney Tunes of him. Makes zero sense why and how he would make 4 guys lay on top of each other. And isn’t that the same thing as dog-pile?

Just a typical Tuesday for Linnea Quigley

• Man. No one in this foursome can ever stay together. They go to rescue Quigley and Brandy gets kidnapped by the time they return.
• Aaaaaand Quigley is tied up, again.
• I’m not 100% sure if these Latino pirates/banditos are working for Diaz or have their own plan for kidnapping Quigley for themselves.
• The native jungle tribe do indeed worship Quigley as their Moon Goddess. I mean who can blame them? I’d worship Linnea Quigley as my Moon Goddess too if I found her in tattered clothes tied up to a tree in my yard. Hell I already worship her “moon.”
• I’ve never seen so many chubby native jungle tribesmen.
• The tribal leader speaks English and Sam says “you speak English?” And the chieftain replies “of course!” Huh?!?!
• Brandy calls the tribesmen “Indians.” Tsk tsk.
• Seriously?! Calfa was bit by a tarantula a few scenes back and is getting sick from it. The tribe is willing to help him by having someone suck out the poison. Calfa is already uneasy about this primitive medicinal method but really starts to panic when an obvious male homosexual struts in to suck on Calfa’s ass.

Our insurance policy is Fabuuuulous!

• Wait. Diaz is dressed as one of the tribesmen. How in hell did he get in cahoots with the tribe in the first place?!
• And why would his plan to get the riches from the tribe by using Quigley as an influence when he’s already the tribal leader? Am I missing something?
• And how did Diaz become chief? Was he chief for a very long time? I don’t even think he speaks the natives’ language. Holy shit this is retarded. Even Belloq spoke Hovitos.
• Now they have to go through some sort of trial/quest in some tribal caverns. And the set design looks like something Disney World rejected.
• And again, Quigley is kidnapped and separated from the group.
• And for some reason here is Quigley coming to the other three’s rescue. No explanation needed nor given.
• I’m really baffled at this boogie-trap that the gang are avoiding here. There’s a metal gate stopping them on one end and on the other is a flame-throwing wall with (great) balls of fire also shooting from the same wall. It kinda reminds me of the vertical stages in Nintendo’s Contra game when you have to shoot various things on the wall to defeat that room. I mean, where is the fire coming from or being made? What’s shooting the flames and balls of fire? Ponderous!
• After Sam gets his ass kicked by a huge tribesmen with a 5-foot sword and before the swordsman can kill Sam, Quigley races over and something on her tribal dress actives a treasure chest revealing all the jewels using all the worst video tape special effects imaginable.

“Special” effects

• And now the English-speaking tribal leader says they passed the test and that they were all deceived by Diaz. Which is real dumb because of what I aforementioned but also because how did their test in the caverns prove anything or prove that Diaz was a false chief? It’s not like Diaz also did the test and failed.
• So the tribe just lets them leave and their ambling in the jungle and bickering that they’re lost. Then all of a sudden they see the moon goddess statue on a tree and start laughing. Yeah I don’t get it either.
• Wait a minute Calfa married Quigley after the adventure they had? Ludicrous!
• And now Calfa is a waiter after he gets divorced from Quigley because he was seemingly cheating on her with his “secretary” while he was dictating the story of the film to her for a book. And where he’s waitering happens to be the same restaurant where Sam and Brandy are dining and he tells them about another precious artifact.
• Sadly, they won’t return for a new adventure.

Exploitation Level (Gore, Nudity, Etc.): No gore to speak of. And the only nudity was a brief ass-crack in the beginning of the film. So if you’re looking for some of the goods that these flicks usually offer, you will be disappointed. Even Linnea Quigley was very conservative in this for some reason.

Best Scene: There is seriously nothing to be called “Best” in this incredibly lazy and utterly boring jungle adventure flick. I can probably find an actual Moon Goddess faster and easier than finding a scene I can call worthy.

Worst Scene: There are so many bad scenes its hard to keep track but the ending is just dreadfully awful. First the set design is akin to a cheap glow-in-the-dark carnival ride with plastic looking rocks, plaster-made artifacts and fog and smoke machines. The sword fight was choreographed by a blind person and the resolution with Quigley activating the contraption with the jewels is embarrassing. I haven’t seen the kids’ version of Raiders of the Lost Ark yet but I’d bet you all the money in my bank that those kids did a better job. Plus I just want to throw in my two cents on the absolute idiotic plot of Diaz being not only a part of the tribe despite not being a native but leading them. And despite being a leader with access to their loot he still arranged and hoped that the tribe would not only worship Quigley but allow her to take the treasure. My writing that made me dumber.

Best Line: “Wait where are you taking them?” “Probably bowling, Brandy…with our heads.”

Well How Schlocky Is It?: This is one of the more lamer and dullest action/adventure Indiana Jones rip-offs I’ve ever seen. I usually like Don Calfa and Linnea Quigley but they alone could not make anything worthwhile happen. Everything falls flat and everything is unlikeable. It’s truly a slogfest and not worth anyone’s time. Even Linnea’s mom probably never saw this flick and was probably told not to by Linnea herself. Looking at the poster now, I see that the poster is actually more exciting than the movie itself. The villain was terrible and had such an asinine plot. The hero, Sam Kidd, is more wooden and stiff than the lumber section at Home Depot. Was this the worst movie I’ve ever seen? not by a long-shot but it was bad and boring and a complete waste of time.