Jaws 3-D (1983)

The Scene: The Very Best of Calvin Bouchard.

Why We Love Mr. Bouchard: Jaws 3 is a really lousy movie, with or without the D. But I did see it about 3,000 times on HBO growing up, so it’s near and dear to the sharkles of my heart. In fact, it was the first Jaws picture I saw, and I always loved the fact that it was set at SeaWorld. I still do, it’s a really cool concept that brought something fresh to the franchise that kind of spun its fins with the second entry (although Jaws 2: The Sharkening really isn’t that bad in its own right, it just doesn’t hold a candle to the original). Jaws 3 is fun for the most part, but not executed very well overall. A lot of this has to do with being tied down with the 3D aspect, which probably seemed a lot better in theory than it ended up being in execution. As with a lot of 3D films of the early ’80s, the parts that were originally played up for 3D effect in theaters look like complete chum when viewed at home in 2D. The shark breaking through the glass of the control center near the film’s climax looks like one of the worst effects ever put to film, but I bet it looked pretty wicked in the theater back then. Actually, no, probably not, but it was likely at least fun.

Anyway, numerous dorsal flaws aside, the real star of this picture is Louis Gossett Jr. (who would re-team with Jaws 3-D co-star Dennis Quaid two years later in Enemy Mine; the pair would go on to marry in 1987, but sadly divorce in 1996) as Calvin Bouchard, manager of SeaWorld. All Bouchard wants is to attract visitors to his oceanic wonderland, and will raise his voice full of vigorous sass whenever anyone or anything gets in the way of that. He sasses out numerous one-liners that I still use daily, such as “We talkin’ ’bout some damn shark’s mutha??” and “We’ll suffocate da bitch!” all of which should hold a higher place in the rankings of film quotes on anyone’s list. Mr. Bouchard, you didn’t take any shit off no damn fish, and we give you a two dolphin jump salute.