The VVitch (2015)

Nevv on home video today is The VVitch vvhich tells the story of a goat named Carl but nobody calls the goat that they call him The VVitch because he screams so fucking loud that it shatters every piece of glass vvithin a 5-mile radius and the tovvnspeople get sick and tired of constantly replacing their vvindovvs and cups and headlights and glass eyeballs and picture frames and shit so they try to kill the goat but if they even try to get near him he screams and anyone vvithin 500 feet has their head explode so they hire a trained sniper to take out the goat from a distance but the goat’s screams make the bullet disintegrate in mid-air so killing him really isn’t an option so the entire tovvn decides to just pack up everything that hasn’t been broken vvhich isn’t much and move far avvay to establish a nevv tovvn and everything’s ok for a day or tvvo but then the fucking goat shovvs up because somehovv he knevv and he screams so loud that everyone in tovvn is liquefied except for a group of girls vvho are crying and bleeding from everyvvhere and they beg the goat to tell them vvhat he vvants and he tells them that he vvants them to scream at major sporting events that’s all he’s ever vvanted and he’d go himself but he prefers the country life so he teaches the girls the secrets of his screams and that’s hovv this prequel to the Pitch Perfect series ends.

Ovvn it today!

Dirty Grandpa (2016)

New on home video today is Dirty Grandpa which is a single-camera, one-take performance of Robert De Niro reading his grandfather’s memoirs which contain tales of debauchery so dark and twisted that Caligula’s ghost appears at one point and tells De Niro that he must stop reading but do you think De Niro listens De Niro doesn’t listen De Niro never listens so he just keeps on reading but actually he’s not really reading at all he’s sitting in a dimly lit room on a steel folding chair holding the book but he’s reciting the words from memory while staring unblinking into the camera for nearly four hours and completely ignores Caligula’s piercing screams for mercy for about three of those hours and Lucifer himself shows up near the end and orders De Niro to end this because it’s even making him uncomfortable and he’s the god damn devil but De Niro keeps reading and reading and reading and then the tape ends and you die seven days later unless you watch the other 19 tapes in the series within the week but no one has ever dared because even if you somehow managed to get through them all your rotted soul will be forced to wander the Earth for all eternity lost and dead inside and performing menial tasks that you don’t want to do just like Robert De Niro.

Own it today!