The Revenant (2015)
New on home video today is The Revenant which tells the story of a man who faces the ultimate test against nature when his motorized paddle bike goes haywire and sends him over a waterfall and into the waiting arms of an angry bear so he switches to manual mode and paddles away from the bear but the current is way too strong so he goes over another bigger waterfall and finds another bigger angrier bear and before he even has time to react he goes over an even bigger waterfall with an even bigger angrier bear at the bottom and this shit goes on for like 3 hours and as he’s falling and being swiped at by bears he’s really regretting taking on Multifallbear Mountain and eventually he gets to the end and goes over the final waterfall which is 800 feet and is torn apart by a bear the size of a McDonald’s and a tour group sees the whole thing and takes a bunch of pictures and the tour guide says “And that’s why they call it The Revenant” but nobody knows what the fuck he means.
Norm of the North (2015)
New on home video today is Norm of the North which tells the story of a polar bear named Norm who is visiting his cousin bears of varying size and anger at Multifallbear Mountain and is in the middle of telling a joke when this asshole on a paddle bike comes over one of the waterfalls and gets Norm’s fur all wet and it really pisses Norm off because that joke was awesome and that asshole ruined it so he jumps after him but doesn’t get to him before his cousin Jeff who’s the size of a McDonald’s eats the asshole and Norm splashes down into the pool so fucking hard it causes all the water and the bottom of the falls to tidal wave out and drowns a bunch of confused-looking tourists and all the other bears are like “All right Norm!” because it’s like he served up a buffet and while they’re eating the tourists’ entrails the bears ask him what his joke was and he says “What’s a polar bear’s favorite food? Icebergers!” and the other bears don’t think that was funny at all so they eat him and another shocked tour group sees the whole thing and takes a bunch of pictures and the tour guide says “And that’s why they call it The Revenant” but nobody knows what the fuck he means.