Spectre (2015)

New on home video today is Spectre which tells the story of superspy James Bond who receives a drunken phone call in the middle of the night from some dude who’s like “I’m your brother” and Bond is like “Who the fuck is this” and the dude is like “This is Blofeld motherfucker” and Bond is like “Fuck that you’re not my brother asshole” and Blofeld is like “I’m totally your brother bitch” and this goes on and on for like three hours and eventually Bond is like “Prove it dick” and Blofeld is all “Both our names start with B” and Bond is just fucking blown away and starts sobbing because he can’t believe he’s had a brother this whole time and and he’s like “Why are you calling me now after all these years” and Blofeld is all “I need money” and Bond is like “I fuckin’ knew it” and they get into another argument and after a few more hours Blofeld is like “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m drunk I’m drunk” and Bond is all “Whatever douche” and Blofeld is like “I have something real important to tell you put your ear up to the phone real close” and Bond does and a tiny drill comes out and bores into Bond’s brain and pulls out his checking account number and Blofeld laughs his ass off and is all “Now what bitch” and Bond is like “Whatever man I blew all the money in that account yesterday on weed and whores” and Blofeld’s like “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck” for another hour and then Bond just hangs up.

Own it today!

Crimson Peak (2015)

New on home video today is Crimson Peak which tells the story of of the most bitchin’ slopes in Colorado and the party animals who ski them year-round but a greedy developer comes to the mountain one day and you totally know where this is going like every other ski movie but the twist is the greedy developer is a GHOST and instead of a team of douches racing the local hero he just scares everyone on Crimson Peak to death and when they’re all dead he’ll finally own the mountain where his people where murdered and unceremoniously buried decades ago and turn it into a storage site for toxic waste from the mafia which seems like a bad idea since his people were buried there but whatever so near the end only the local hero is left and he challenges the ghost to a race but the ghost is like “No that doesn’t make sense I’m a ghost” and the local hero is like “Fuck you chickenshit” and there’s no way the ghost can back down from that so they race and the ghost just creams the local hero and he’s like the fastest ghost skier ever but he respects the local hero’s guts so he decides not to make the mountain a toxic waste dump but instead makes the local hero King Shit of Party Mountain which is cool and all but everyone is still dead so it’s pretty bittersweet.

Own it today!