Sicario (2015)
New on home video today is Sicario which tells the story of Rodrigo Sicario who has the biggest man boobs in Mexico and decides to ride his national title to the World Manboob Championships in Sweden but the competition is fiercer than he imagined and he gets soundly beaten in the quarterfinal round by Vladmir Vladislavlev dubbed “The Russian Manboob Bear” and Sicario returns home humiliated and stops eating because he’s depressed and starts to lose weight and that means his man boobs shrink a bit and everyone around him is like “What are you doing you are losing everything you are a champion what the fuck” and his girlfriend leaves him because she can’t be with someone who doesn’t have bigger boobs than she does and that just makes him even more depressed and 3 months later he’s basically down to an A cup until he sees on the news that his best friend died in a manboob faceoff with Vladislavlev who shows like no remorse so Sicario decides to avenge his buddy and starts packing on the boob pounds once again and hanging weights off his nipples and stuff and then he makes his comeback at the next World Manboob Championships in Madrid and absolutely destroys The Russian Manboob Bear in the finals and everyone says they’ve never seen such gloriously amazing manboobs and the crowd hoists his manboobs over their heads in victory and freeze frame the end.
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The Green Inferno (2015)
New on home video today is The Green Inferno which tells the story of a wannabe superhero called The Green Inferno whose power is shooting green fire out of his pee hole but there never seems to be any helpful application for it and whenever he tries to use it against bad guys they just laugh at him because it only shoots out like 18 inches and the only thing it’s really good for is grilling hot dogs so he tries to set up a hot dog stand but nobody wants to eat hot dogs that were cooked with some guy’s dick fire so he gets pretty bummed out about it all until one day he sees on the news that a bus full of tourists is trapped in ice so he heads there to help but on the way there he spontaneously combusts and dies but firemen save the bus anyway so it’s not like he really would have helped.
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The Walk (2015)
New on home video today is The Walk which is a documentary about Parnell Barnabee of a small town in Arizona who is 82 years old and walks to the same store a block away from his house every Sunday mid-morning to get the paper and was filmed over the course of 5 years and contains no dialogue or soundtrack of any kind.
Hard Ticket to Home Video 