Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas (2014)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: Kirk Cameron (playing himself) attempts to help his fictional brother-in-law from being too grumpy and downtrodden on Christmas because he feels the holiday is not Jesus-sy enough anymore and is too commercialized. 

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Tell my wife and kids that I love them. 
• Liberty University. “Training Champions For Christ Since 1971.” Jesus died in 1971?!
• I can’t believe this dud was adored in a sitcom in the 1980s.
• But dammit he’s still got that charisma and charm. Must. Resist. The urge. “Show me that smile again. Show me that smile….”

• Is this whole movie just Kirk Cameron talking in front of a Christmas themed living room chatting about the joy of Christmas and how it’s been materialized? I won’t survive 5 more minutes then.
• He actually mentioned the Druids. Hahaha. “But where are they now?”
• He’s so deluded. I kinda feel sorry for him.
• Is Kirk going to narrate this whole thing?! [*editor note: Yes!]
• I’m shocked Kirk’s wife isn’t also starring in this. But his non-famous, non-acting sister is.
• OK it’s been 10 minutes and I’m already sick of Kirk’s evangelical lecturing.

• What the fuck is an “Extra Jesus!?”
• This guy says he got baptized twice. What? Did it not work the first time?
• This brother-in-law of Kirk is complaining about the commercialization of Christmas and the materialistic rituals and downfalls and how it’s not religious enough anymore. He kinda has a point. But Kirk thinks he’s wrong. Kirk’s going to kick his ass. I hope.
• Kirk thinks Christmas is one massive birthday party for Jesus no matter what is happening.
• Kirk says the most valuable decoration in my home around Christmas time is my nativity set. Damn. I don’t even have a nativity set. I am not the audience for this fucking movie!
• This isn’t even a movie. It’s an educational video for Born-Again Christians.
• He’s talking about murdering babies at the time of Jesus’ birth. What the fuck is he talking about!!??
• Now we’re in full blown evangelical mode. We’re at DEF-CON 3 people!
• Now there’s some “comedy” with some idiots talking about random conspiracy theories of the past 5 years. Everything from Loose Change to Fox News to pink slime meat. What’s the point to all this?!
• I’m developing some sort of “growing pain” in my head right now. Like a tumor.
• The brother is now complaining about his pagan Christmas tree and why is it in his house when it’s not mentioned in the bible. He says he got his intel from Wikipedia. I must say though that Kirk has a level head about his idiot though. But he then spins the origin and reason for the Fraser fir in the homes being about the Book of Genesis. Go onnnnnnnn.
• He just said that it was God’s plan to make the Winter Solstice when he set the planets on their orbits around the sun. We’re now at DEF-CON 2!!
• We’re not celebrating the birth of Jesus in the “bleak mid-winter,” it’s the very beginning of winter. Duh.

• Kirk is really struggling with tying trees in the bible together. Sure Adam stole fruit from the tree of knowledge as the story goes but he’s trying to say that Jesus died on a tree. Not quite buddy, if anything it was a dead tree. That’s quite a stretch. And when I see a Christmas tree lot I’ll never ever see crucifixes Mr. Cameron.
• At least Kirk made this movie to prove that only getting info from the Bible is not enough. The Brother-in-Law keeps referring to it and Kirk keeps explaining to him that he’s short-sighted about these customs.
• He’s actually quite condescending to his brother-in-law. It’s obnoxious really.
• Dear lord, did the brother-in-law just say that Santa and Satan have the same letters?!?! Is he fucking 12?!?!
• This guy is a complete tool! He’s obnoxious, ignorant and callow. And he’s the writer and director of this “movie.”
• Did he just say, “St. Nicholas was bad but in a good way.” He’s trying to make St. Nick into a bad-ass Jesus enforcer!
• Now we’re treated to the origin of St. Nick with all the production value of a bad History Channel reenactment.
• “You be the guy who saves Christmas!” Who said it needs saving?! Seriously banks and all federal institutions are closed in observance of this bloody holiday. Just because I would rather say “Happy Holidays” than “Merry Christmas” to clerks and other people I don’t know because quite frankly, I don’t know what holiday they celebrate in a month that has about 3 different holidays. I’m just being fair and balanced you idiot!
• I just realized that for 45 minutes we’ve watched Kirk and his brother-in-law talk in a car about Christmas. Can you diiiiiig iiiiiiiiit!
• “Sometimes you have to be brought low, to be humbled like a little child to get the right perspective of Christmas. Look at the presents around your tree. When you see them at this perspective, see how they look like a city skyline. Imagine the New Jerusalem, a heavenly city whose builder and architect is God. And the wall of the city was adorned with all kinds of precious stones. And what’s at the center of that city? A tree! The tree of life made available by the conquering blood of Jesus to all who believe. This tree—full of healing leaves, this tree—full of fruit, this tree—full of lights that shine in the darkness, lights that shine over the city. So, see the lights, the stars over Bethlehem, announcing the birth of the prince of peace. Lesser lights that remind us that Jesus is the light of the world and that we are to let our light shine before men. And there’s another thing—look at those presents again, stacked and wrapped and made beautiful waiting to be torn open.  This isn’t bad stewardship, this is doing what God does. He has always been giving gifts to his children at the base of trees. Abraham was given the gift of a son at the Oaks of Mamre. The Cedars of Lebanon were given as materials for Solomon’s Temple. Our salvation was given to us at the base of a tree. So does this tree belong in your house? Should it be loaded with fruit and lights and presents?” We’re at DEF-CON 1. I repeat we’re at DEF-CON 1!!
• I just cringed when the brother-in-law’s wife said to him: “What do you have in mind big poppa?”
• Holy shit. Now there’s an unexplained hip-hop dance routine to a christmas song. This movie is no different from those videos my kid’s watch on YouTube of random families on vacation or kids playing with toys. It practically has the same production value.
• Man, Christian freaks have so much fucking fun.

• “And don’t buy into the complaint of materialism during Christmas. Sure don’t max out your credit cards or use presents to buy friends, but remember this is a celebration of the eternal God taking on a ‘material’ body. So it’s right that our holiday is marked with ‘material’ things.” Wow. That’s deep and fucking delusional. 
• This movie totally glosses over the whole season of giving and charity which most decent selfless people celebrate and keep Christmas in mind for. Fuck these holier-than-thou assholes who only think of themselves and have the nerve to justify having grand feasts and a lot of presents as the main reason for Christmas. This movie is so shallow and self-serving drivel. It’s Christmas religious masturbation since the only audience for this shit are people pious enough to want to see it—so it’s only reaffirming their backwards and narrow-minded way of thinking.
• Oh goody, bloopers during the credits. Where’s Jackie Chan when we need him drop kicking these rubes.

Is It Actually Jolly: I’m going to be fair to this “film.” I’m going to take the high secular road and give credit where credit is due and say that the visuals and reenactments of the Christmas scenes as well as the music was decently done. The movie’s dialogue, attempt at humor, and direction are complete and utter crap. If you watch the movie on mute and cut out the close-ups of Cameron and the brother-in-law, than you have a decent Christmas-themed background. 

Jolliest Moment: The part when Kirk Cameron broke his neck, falling down the stairs after the Krampus attacked him and ripped out his delusional, crap-spewing tongue. So what if I made up that scene.

Dumbest Moment: I’m guessing the dumbest moment was when whomever gave money to the filmmakers to make this Cameron Family Christmas special. Sure it was a paltry $500,000 but think of all the good $500,000 would go to for the poor and needy at Christmastime. Seriously, this movie was made for a slim and already pious audience that already have so much Jesus in their heart that it was a completely wasted time and effort. This could’ve easily been straight-to-video, nay, emailed to church-goers after midnight mass to get in more unfounded holiday cheer. Any rational Christian would see right through the horseshit that Kirk is trying to shovel down good peoples’ throats.

Overall: I really don’t know why I watched this. We here at HT2HV pride ourselves at watching crap and schlock hoping that we can nitpick, riff and poke fun for our and your entertainment but this one was already dead on arrival. It’s 0% on Rotten Tomatoes and is the lowest rated in the imdb’s Bottom 100. I’m not even religious at all and probably the farthest from the target audience. Yet, I took my precious 70 minutes and wasted it on this fuck. I’d also like to point out how action-packed the poster looks, yet 50 minutes is Kirk and the writer/director talking garbage in an SUV! If it wasn’t for the biblical reenactments and the final dance number the whole movie is the lowest IQ equivalent of My Dinner With Andre. TED Talks have more substance and plot. And I cannot be pissed at this movie because I should have never ever seen it. It’s not a Christmas movie at all but a Jesus movie.

I will give Mike Seaver some more credit for not making an anti-pagan Christmas movie per se. Whenever his brother-in-law mentions pagan rituals that some Christmas beliefs and customs are based on, Cameron never really bad-mouths pagans or says that he’s completely wrong. He just twists the reasons for the old pagan customs to be better tied to their uber-Christian beliefs. I think the film would’ve made my secular brain explode if it was made more like that. No, this movie took the whole “Christmas feels more like just about receiving gifts, wrapping presents, drinking cocoa and eating ham, taking pictures with mall Santa’s, decorating evergreens, and whiny kids who ask for too much” and tries to spin it that all that commercialized stuff is really about Jesus. 

But first and foremost, avoid this movie, not because it’s targeted for Born-Agains and Jesus-freaks, but because it’s not really a movie. It’s an instructional and educational video for weary Christians who wish Christmas was more about Christ and less about being a better charitable and grateful person. It’s devoid of what I feel is the true-meaning of Christmas—which is kindness, reflection, and resolution for the final days of the year and the coming year. Christmas doesn’t need saving. Our good-will and progress towards intelligence are what need saving. 

Score: 0 “Extra Jesus'” (out of 10)