Parental Guidance Suggestion: The Care Bears Movie


Care Bears Movie poster

The Care Bears Movie (1985)

Synopsis: Kids of the world are turned into uncaring jerks by an evil spell because this was made in 1985 and social media hadn’t been invented yet to do the same thing.

Would you be able to sit through it?: Absolutely not. Unless you were completely obsessed with Care Bears as a kid… you’ll still think it’s really friggin’ weird.

Any scary/violent parts?: The evil green-faced witch book is unsettling and makes an innocent boy into a creepy lunatic.

Anything that will screw up your kid’s head?: Everything.

Any lessons to be learned?: Caring and friendship are super important. Orphans like feeling part of society.

Recommended age: Any age, yet no age…

Rent it, buy it or avoid it?: Avoid. I know we all like nostalgia and getting our kids interested in what we were interested in as kids, and you may have some hazy remembrance of enjoying this when you were a little girl (if you enjoyed this as a little boy, your issues run deep indeed), but you were wrong. This is just incomprehensible garbage, even for a movie about hippie toys. Just look at this:

Friend Bear: Swift Heart, are you alright?
Swift Heart Rabbit: You bet, Friend Bear! It takes more than that to slow me down!
Love-a-Lot-Bear: Where are Kim and Jason?
Gentle Heart Lamb: Maybe they’re hiding and are afraid to show themselves.
Tender Heart Bear: Okay, Brave Heart, you round up your friends and try to find Kim and Jason. Care Bears, follow me.
Cozy Heart Penguin: What are you going to do, Tender Heart?
Tender Heart Bear: We have to try and get through to Nicholas.
Share Bear: And make him believe that we really do care about him.
Love-a-Lot-Bear: And that he really cares about everyone else.
Cozy Heart Penguin: With a Care Bear stare?
Share Bear: That’s right, Cozy Heart.
Gentle Heart Lamb: I wish there was some way we could express our feelings like that.
Friend Bear: There’s always a way around others to share your feelings, Gentle Heart. Always.

UGH. Shut up. And:

Kim: Hey, Jason, aren’t parents great?
Jason: Yeah.

Seriously? This dialogue came out of a book called “Spacey Nonsense.” And the animation and songs are just as bad. It looks worse than a Saturday morning cartoon. You’d think they’d put a little more money into the movie budget, but instead it looks like a bear wiped his bare butt with it. And… the… music…

You know what, that’s basically the same song as this:

But that’s a much more watchable movie.

I could go on further with this review, but I just don’t care.

Score: 2 possessed boy witches (out of 10)

My Daughter’s Review: “Why did you even suggest I watch this $#!*, you &@*%?

13 thoughts on “Parental Guidance Suggestion: The Care Bears Movie

  1. A lot of stuff from our childhoods is really weird. My friend and I tried to watch Thundercats a few years ago and it was bizarre!


  2. Wow. That is the harshest review I’ve ever seen from your daughter. Did you have to wash her mouth out with soap after that? Or were you too busy trying to wash any lingering memories of this movie from your brain?


  3. Pingback: Parental Guidance Suggestion: Penguins of Madagascar | Hard Ticket to Home Video

  4. Pingback: Parental Guidance Suggestion: The Lego Batman Movie | Hard Ticket to Home Video

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