Today’s Headlines presented by R.O.T.O.R.! 4-23-2014

Todays Headlines

[BEGIN MOVIE NEWS TRANSMISSION]

FOLLOWING IN THE PROUD TRADITION OF PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, THE HAUNTED MANSION, THE COUNTRY BEARS, MISSION TO MARS, AND MONORAIL MADNESS, THE IT’S A SMALL WORLD RIDE WILL BE TURNED INTO A MOVIE, IN WHICH SIX ETHNICALLY DIVERSE CHILDREN WILL BE TAKEN ON A NIGHTMARISH BOAT RIDE TO HELL WHERE THEIR WORST FEARS WILL BE REALIZED IN THE FORM OF SONG.

OH, YOU ARE THINKING THAT MAKING A MOVIE ABOUT IT’S A SMALL WORLD IS A DUMB IDEA? HOW ABOUT A MOVIE BASED ON PEEPS, THE DISGUSTING EASTER TREAT? NEXT UP, A MOVIE BASED ON “I HANKER FOR A HUNKA CHEESE.”

SCREENWRITING DUO ALEX KURTZMAN AND ROBERTO ORCI ARE SPLITTING UP AFTER YEARS OF WRITING BIG BLOCKBUSTERS WITH LITTLE TO NO SUBSTANCE TO THEM. ORCI ALSO REALLY WANTS TO DIRECT STAR TREK 3, WHICH WILL PROBABLY HAVE TIME TRAVEL AND CHEKOV AS AN MMA FIGHTER AND WHALE-SAVING.

JESSICA CHASTAIN, WHO LOOKS SLIGHTLY MORE LIKE MARILYN MONROE THAN R.O.T.O.R. DOES WHEN R.O.T.O.R. WEARS A BLONDE WIG MADE FROM THE SCALP OF A LEFT TURN ON RED OFFENDER, WILL PLAY MARILYN MONROE IN “BLONDE: SOME STUPID MARILYN MONROE MADE-UP STORY ENOUGH ALREADY.”

TODAY’S BIRTHDAYS: CRAIG SHEFFER, R.O.T.O.R.’S LEAST-FAVORITE ACTOR EVER ALTHOUGH R.O.T.O.R. IS NOT QUITE SURE WHY, IS 54.

[END MOVIE NEWS TRANSMISSION]

[TODAY’S TRAILER: DELIVERY: THE BEAST WITHIN (HOLY HELL THIS LOOKS AWFUL)]


6 thoughts on “Today’s Headlines presented by R.O.T.O.R.! 4-23-2014

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