We just thought you’d all enjoy this movie-based email exchange we had once:
JANUARY 2011 (THE DAY AFTER THE BEARS LOST TO THE PACKERS IN THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME)
BRIAN (HUGE BEARS FAN): That game had a worse ending than The Thing With Two Heads.
BRAD: Technically The Thing With Two Heads didn’t have an ending.
BRIAN: It was obviously set up for a sequel, “The Thing With Two Heads, Too,” but Ray Milland died of autoerotic asphyxiation right before shooting began and the crew refused to have anything to do with it, believing the production to be cursed.
BRAD: They seriously should remake it but with an old man’s head (too bad Warren Oates is dead) on a hot chicks body. Now that’s a certified blockbuster!
BRIAN: Excellent idea. Plus the old man is a misogynist and the girl was once molested by a pack of senior citizens.
I envision Brooklyn Decker and Ed Asner in the roles.
BRAD: Who the hell is Brooklyn Decker?
BRIAN: She’s the chick in the shitty new Adam Sandler movie who walks out of the surf with eye-popping boobies in the trailer.
And this is Ed Asner:
BRAD: Brooklyn Khockers!
BRIAN: Remember that scene when Rosey Greer was asleep and Ray Milland took control of his body? Now imagine that but Ed Asner taking control of Brooklyn Decker’s body and fondling her boobs. It’s a comedy goldmine, I tell you.
BRAD: You couldn’t have described the scene I had in mind more precisely. That remake could not ever be made WITHOUT a scene like that.
BRIAN: And maybe a sex scene where she puts a pillowcase over his head and she bangs her boyfriend, and Ed Asner says, “GAHHH! I can feel EVERYTHING!”
And, of course, a 20-minute dirt bike chase.
BRAD: This is 2011! That dirt bike chase has to be better than 1972. No less than 29 minutes!!
BRIAN: Since she’s a dainty girl maybe it’s a chase where she’s on rollerblades and bike cops are chasing her and crashing into shit. And the whole time Ed Asner looks terrified and keeps screaming, “How do you stop these infernal things?!”
BRAD: But between screams he can’t help but keep looking down at her huge tits and smiling.
BRIAN: Especially after she goes over bumps and they jiggle like wild.
I’m pretty sure 99% of our ideas like this would be much better as 2-minute trailers instead of full-length pictures.
BRAD: It’s too bad the creators of The Thing With Two Heads didn’t think the same thing about their idea.